The Rear Guard

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Much has been written about

those gallant soldiers of world war II

who met and defeated the enemy.

But there were those who stayed behind

to defend our shores.

They were the men of the civil defence,

to whom this show is dedicated.

Right. Right.

Right.

Right.

Right. Right.

Who were you talking to,

general Eisenhower?

You're close. My wife.

Raskin, sign that radio off, and go out

and call the men to attention, will you?

Why don't you call them to attention,

Rosatti, you're already buttoned up.

Because I'm the commanding officer.

So, are your lips painted on?

Raskin, you are the sergeant,

I am the captain.

To the civilian defence, you're a captain.

But to a captain, are you a captain?

Raskin, you're out of uniform.

In the garment district,

this is the uniform.

Attention!

Alright men, dress

it up, dress it up.

Shoulders back, come on,

come on, look smart.

Look smart? How do you

look smart in this uniform?

Again you're starting with

the uniforms, Crawford?

Raskin, I'm a professional actor.

I'm used to being dressed

in the proper wardrobe.

These uniforms are from the wrong war.

So? You're a professional actor.

Act like it's the right war.

I ain't ashamed of these khakis.

In World War I, I marched all

across France in this uniform.

Don't you think it's time

you had it cleaned?

Alright, now look men.

The army ain't got enough uniforms

go around for the real soldiers.

So we're just going to have to make do.

I think someone already

made do on Kirby's uniform.

Now as you men know, father Fitzgerald

is doing his part for the war effort

by allowing us to use

this hall in the church.

Except on Fridays when they play bingo.

So I don't want anybody

throwing cigar butts down the john.

Even if you're catholic.

- Oh captain Rosatti?

- Marsha?

You guys are supposed to be at attention.

Snap snap. Shoulders back!

Not you, Marsha,

don't make it any worse!

- Mr Wagner, the new volunteer is here.

- Ah good, send him in.

Now you guys look sharp for the

new man, he's a war veteran.

Bert Wagner reporting for duty, sir.

That's by you a war veteran?

This uniform looks like it's from

the Spanish American war.

He's two wars behind.

I rode up San Juan Hill with

Teddy Roosevelt. Charge!

Oh Mr Rosatti, you're

wanted on the phone,

Frank Sanicola from the fishing

pier, he says it's urgent.

Oh thanks Marsha.

Raskin, take over.

Alright, Wagner, standard

formation with the other men.

Can I sit down for a minute? I walked

all the way up here from the bus stop.

- The bus stops right in front

of the church. - That's right.

- Rosatti speaking.

- Rosatti, this is Frank Sanicola,

down at the harbor.

- Yeah, Frank.

Hey look! Now we've just come

back from a fishing trip

and we've picked up a German U-boat

captain and five members of his crew.

- No!

- Yeah!

Their submarine was sunk, and they

were drifting in a rubber dinghy.

Alright Sanicola, keep them

covered, I'll be down to get them.

- Right.

- And save me two pounds of flounder.

- Hello Wood. The battle of the Marne.

- Hey, men, men.

Frank Sanicola's fishing boat

just picked up a German U-boat crew.

- What! - Yeah. And we're going

down to the harbor to get them.

- You mean really?

- Hold it! Hold it, hold it.

Why us? Why not the army?

We'll call the army later.

They're 85 miles away.

We are the only ones who

can handle those nazis.

I'm, I'm not supposed to handle nazis.

I'm, I'm a 4-F.

We are operating as a fighting unit,

we are fighting men.

One of your fighting men is taking his nap.

Alright you guys, line up outside.

Crawford, Henderson,

while we're gone,

I want you to put detonators

in all the handgrenades.

- Yes sir.

- Rosatti, you're out of your mind.

What's the problem,

there's only six of them Germans,

there's twelve of us, we got

them outnumbered two to one.

Can we get better odds?

- Charge!

- Charge!

Well, I'd better be leaving now.

Marsha, if you're going out

with another man,

I'm going to throw myself

on this hand grenade.

Don, I told you, I'm on the night

shift at the aircraft plant this week.

Gee, that's terrific. Are there a lot of

women working at your air craft plant?

I'm the only woman on the night shift.

- She keeps the morale up.

- I try to.

But last month, there was

a 50% rise in accidents,

and nobody knows the reason why.

I can give you two reasons.

Well, I'd better get going.

So long.

Keep 'em flying!

Bobby, bring that box

of detonators over here.

This box is dummy detonators,

for training purposes only.

Bobby, this outfit isn't trained

to handle live hand grenades.

But we've all seen war pictures!

Gary Cooper just pulls the pin out

with his teeth, and throws it.

Bobby, nobody in this unit

has his own teeth.

We'd be throwing grenades with dentures.

Captain Rosatti said to...

Look, kid! I don't want to the first

4-F to win the purple heart.

Left, right, left, right, left, right...

Left, right, left, right, left, right...

Platoon, halt.

At ease men.

Not you, you Nazis!

They can take their hands down, Raskin.

I knew an Italian would be

soft on the Germans.

I was born in Bayonne, New Jersey.

I ain't no Italian, I'm an American.

You can take the boy

out of olive oil,

but you can't take the

olive oil out of the boy.

Krupinski, go get the machine

gun, set it up on that stage

so you got a clear sweep

of this entire hall.

- Right, sir.

- Foster, go get a stepladder.

- Right, sir.

- Wagner.

- Charge!

- Never mind.

Raskin, I want you to

get all these prisoners

in a tight group in the

middle of the hall.

Achtung! Mach schnell! Mach schnell!

Wow, real Germans!

Just like in the movies!

That one looks like Erich von Stroheim.

Did you put detonators

in the hand grenades?

I can honestly say, sir, that all the

grenades now have detonators in them.

All right, because the army's going

to pick these guys up in a few minutes

and I want to have maximum security!

Captain... Captain...

If you want maximum security,

why don't you cut the

buttons off their pants.

What for?

They can't run very far with their

pants down around their ankles.

You wouldn't dare

do anything of the sort.

The Geneva Convention clearly states

that prisoners of war will not

be put into degrading positions.

One more word, and I'll put

this in a degrading position.

And don't threaten me,

you silly old fool, und call me 'sir'.

- Charge! Why, you...

- That's all right, Wagner.

You get back in the middle of the hall,

and you speak when you're spoken to.

I'm warning you too, Captain.

Foster, bring that ladder over here,

Henderson, get up

there with your gun

so you've got a clear

sweep of the entire hall.

- But Captain Rosatti...

- I gotta go call Colonel Walsh.

Captain Rosatti?

Mr Raskin?

You know I'm afraid of heights.

- This is war, kid.

But I brought a note from my mother.

"I brought a note from my mother..."

Get up the ladder!

Yes sir, yes sir,

we got 'em all right here.

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