The Rehearsal Page #4

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Lunch is ruined.

Lunch is ruined."

You've really got to see my mum

in her high heels,

and her perfect Easter dress,

and her perfect Easter makeup.

And my dad just picks the lamb

up off the floor,

and he just says, uh,

"Here it is. It's fine.

Don't be silly."

Um, and "don't be silly,"

uh, when those words

hit the fan, um...

the sh*t shortly followed.

And, uh, she just screamed

at my dad about filth,

about germs,

about that f***in' little dog!

You know,

my dad doesn't like to hear

anything bad about the dog,

'cause he loves that dog,

more than he loves my mum.

(light laughter)

It was true, by the way.

(laughter)

All of a sudden, uh,

my dad's just had enough.

He goes right up to her face

and he goes really quietly:

"You... are a compulsive,

neurotic woman.

And you're going

to have to accept that."

And, uh,

Mum just ran off to the study.

We were trying

to bring it round,

seeing if there was an organic

butchery still open.

And we couldn't just ring up,

uh, Countdown or New World,

because, you know, we're...

we're a little bit higher class

than all that.

Anyway, Mum comes back in

and she's holding

this stack of A4 paper

that she's printed out

in this huge 36-point font,

right?

And she... she starts

sticking them everywhere.

Like, all on the fridge,

all on the oven,

on all the walls,

on the windows.

They're everywhere,

all these posters.

And, um,

on each one is written:

"You... are a compulsive,

neurotic woman.

And you're going

to have to accept that."

(laughter)

And, um...

thus concludes my story

for the day.

(laughter)

- Stay there!

Why did you choose this

as your most intimate moment?

- Because... that was the day

that I learned about revenge.

- Really? Or is it just easiest

for you to make everyone laugh?

So you just took

the easy way out?

- Yeah.

- Deep trust has been created

in this room.

I do not see...

an iota of trust in you!

Do you have a girlfriend?

Is there any aspect

of that relationship

you would not wish

the group to see?

(sighing)

That is intimacy!

Is it so f***ing hard?!

- You should probably

pick that up.

This is the last place I'd share

anything intimate.

(soft music)

I think I might bike up north

for a while.

Go to Hokianga.

- No way.

Not until this is finished.

- Nah...

I'm failing.

- He's not failing.

- If you say that, you will.

That's what my ex-coach says.

- The failure.

- Yeah.

(chuckling)

- Okay...

I'll leave you two... kids

to do whatever you'll do.

Have fun.

- You sure?

- Yeah. Yep.

- Thou, nature...

art my goddess.

To thy law...

my services are bound.

(William):
Whoo-hoo!

(screaming and laughing)

(chuckling)

(down-tempo funky music)

Hi.

- Hello.

- Can I get a long black?

- Sure.

- What's this music?

- My friend's band.

(banging)

- I'm out of touch.

- You're that coach.

- Yeah.

- My mother plays tennis.

She says you've been

really misrepresented.

- Oh, I like the sound

of your mum.

- Sorry.

I'll let you have your privacy.

- Sure.

- Are you being prosecuted?

It doesn't seem fair.

I mean, okay,

it might be a personal problem

for your wife and such, but...

seems crazy for the cops

to get involved.

You are married, aren't you?

- Yeah. Yeah, I'm still married.

We're just not living together

at the moment,

till this blows over.

Which it will.

Everyone's just gotta have

their little shake

of the pitchfork.

- Yeah.

I saw the comments thread

under one of the articles

- Yeah. I don't go online

much anymore.

(scoffing)

- His wife's left him.

He was totally putting it out.

- To who?

- To me. He wasn't even there.

- Me. I'm gonna kill him.

- Who?

- You know Saladin,

that tennis coach?

He's better-looking than on TV.

I think it's current.

It's generational, it's sick.

- Tennis skirts.

- I heard there were others

and she was just the one

they caught him with.

- Yeah,

but they found her toothbrush.

Maybe it's love.

- Are you shitting me?

She's 15. She was 15.

- So? Haven't you been hot

for a teacher?

- They've been hot for me.

- Mmm...

- Mm. No,

I've been hot for attention.

But I was a teenager.

It's not a cute excuse.

- Oh.

- Hannah would love it.

Don't you think?

- I know her sister.

- What? That's crazy.

How come?

- Ooh. Access, then.

- No. No, no. No access.

She's my friend.

- Friend?

- Oh. A man with a secret.

- She more than a friend.

(laughter)

(softly):
Give us the access.

(laughter)

- Oh, is that the tennis girl?

- Mm-hmm. Victoria.

It's not like we have

any better ideas right now.

- She's muscly.

- Alright. Red, you're Victoria.

Black, you're Saladin.

What's she like?

- Uh, I've never met her.

I heard she has a tidy room.

- Well, that's super helpful.

- It is helpful.

- Black.

- Don't show anyone.

Can you pick another card,

please?

- Cool. Prepare overnight.

- Yeah.

- I got the Joker.

- So it can be, like,

a tap dance or...

(whistling)

- Frankie first?

- Frankie first.

(William grunting)

Yeah, bruh.

- This is the song.

I'll be five minutes.

(electronic music)

- I paint in oils

in my spare time,

just as a hobby.

Um, obviously,

I never painted her,

because that would've been

evidence,

and I'm not that stupid.

But I really wanted to,

because, you know,

when she came,

all the blue map veins

on her sternum and her throat

would rise up to the surface

of her skin just for an instant,

and I knew

that if I could've...

you know, captured her

just at that moment...

(sighing)

...it would've been the best

thing that I've ever done.

- See, they're too relaxed.

If they were doing it,

they'd be way more careful.

- What's this?

- Just... just a YouTube video.

- Did you like it?

You're a bunch of sluts.

That is people who do not

clean up after themselves.

- Hey.

- When are you gonna tell

your girlfriend?

- Soon.

- Yeah, you keep saying that,

but...

- Well, who said

we're doing this anyway?

- Who says we're not?

(indistinct chatter)

- He calls her Bunny.

- Really?

- Yeah, it's embarrassing.

He's like family to us.

I babysat his kids.

Dad hates him now.

Dad keeps trying to connect.

He just really, really wants

Victoria to start playing again.

Everything's

about eating together,

as if that solves everything.

We do it like a ritual.

No one touches their food

until everyone's sat down.

And we all thank Mum

and pass the sauce or whatever.

- Sounds normal.

- Yeah.

We're having a barbecue

this Sunday for the new coach,

Demetri.

You should come.

Bring a friend.

Can I pet him?

- Yep.

- Thank you.

What's his name?

- Charlie.

- Oh. Hello, Charlie.

(pop music)

Dance all night

I know you aren't the type

Expect to see him home

by dawn

Pick and choose

Dog friend knows what to do

Dog friend

he's home from school

- Hi.

- Hello.

- Hi. Is Isolde here?

- Hi. Mum, this is my friend,

Stanley. And William.

- William. Stanley.

- Come on in.

- Did you paint that?

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