The Relationtrip

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1

[melancholy music playing]

[window squealing]

[instrument strings squealing]

Hey, what's up, man?

Nothing, working.

You're... Oh, right.

I still can't believe that people

pay to watch you play video games.

Teenagers, man.

But why stop there?

I mean, why don't they just watch

someone watching TV or something?

- Ridiculous!

- [computer dings]

Thank you, MilfBlaster69.

That's very cool.

Hey, I forgot to tell you.

I went to the post office

the other day.

There's a new girl

working there,

and she is very cute.

[woman]

Uh, what was that, buddy?

What the hell's that?

- Is that Sara?

- Yeah, she's playing from the house.

Uh... Hi, sweetie.

Can you...

Aren't you supposed

to be working?

[Sara] Yeah, here's an idea.

Why don't you tell me about this woman

you got pregnant at the post office?

No, no, no. I was gonna suggest

that Liam should ask her out.

Right? I mean, she's not

even my type. Okay?

You're my

one and only, babe.

Okay, you're forgiven.

- So what do you think?

- Pass.

What are you

talking about "pass"?

She's probably gonna

say yes.

You know, because she

works at the post office,

so she doesn't have, like,

a lot of options.

A hard pass.

[woman] Okay.

You got it, Charlie?

- Yes.

- [chuckles]

Thank you, sweetheart.

You're welcome.

I'll be over here.

- Okay.

- Right over here.

Maybe you and Charlie

should... date.

Jesus, dude!

No! Why are you so obsessed

with me dating someone?

Because you can't be

a full time hag forever.

"Full time"?

I am not full time.

I'm more like weekends and

select week nights.

- Uh-huh.

- Speaking of...

What are we doing tonight?

Me and my boyfriend

are going to this guy,

Shane's curated salon.

Ew. You just said that

way too casually.

Well, it's serious.

He hosts a monthly

Salon De Musique.

Oh, wow.

Mars, Mars, Mars, Mars, Mars,

Mars, Mars is gonna be playing.

- No.

- What?

Uh-uh.

Oh, okay.

Well, you know what? At least

one of you moved today.

If this is gonna

be it though,

you're gonna be playing

video games and masturbating

in our guesthouse

for the rest of your life.

Liam does not masturbate.

It's true. Not anymore.

Well, you know what?

Maybe you should, you know, get

the blood pumping a little bit.

- Ew, I don't need to imagine blood and d*cks together.

- [cell phone buzzes]

You don't picture that?

- Huh. Interesting.

- What?

Shane wants F*** Dragon

to play the salon tonight.

- Are you serious?

- Yeah.

"SOS. Can F*** Dragon

play the salon tonight?

Mars, Mars, Mars, Mars, Mars, Mars,

Mars canceled at the last second.

Please help.

Lots of people."

No, I don't think so, man.

A salon?

You know, it's like a place where

like-minded people get together

and they sort of,

like, appreciate art.

It's like a Victorian thing.

Right. And they want

F*** Dragon to play?

'Cause we're so good.

We are so good.

Word.

I think we should do this.

It's gonna be a lot of fun.

Um...

Come on, man. We'll bring

the f***ing house down.

Just like the old days.

And you're gonna get out

of the guesthouse

and you're gonna

talk to some people.

This is a win-win for us.

Hey, look, we haven't

performed since high school.

What if I don't remember

the words?

What if we mess up? We're

gonna look like a**holes.

I... Pass.

Hard pass.

Well, I already said yes.

So now we gotta do it,

or Shane's gonna be furious.

This is gonna be

really good, man.

I'm very excited.

And I gotta go work, 'cause

I got a big meeting today.

I'm gonna see you tonight.

Okay?

F*** Dragon

Don't do that with your hips.

F*** Dragon.

Where the f*** is Buddy?

We gotta get this thing going.

The audience is

getting restless.

He's gonna be here, okay?

Don't worry about it.

Hi. Welcome to

the latest installment of

my Salon De Musique.

Slight change of plans.

Mars, Mars, Mars, Mars,

Mars, Mars, Mars...

Uh, they can't be here.

- What?

- What?

[Shane]

We have somebody else.

Please give it up for...

F*** Dragon.

- Do you know this guy?

- No.

- Um...

- [feedback whining]

Uh, check, one, two.

One, two.

Oh, my God.

This is embarrassing.

Test one.

One, two...

- [phone alert dings]

- ...three.

[Buddy on voicemail,

amplified] Hey, man, uh...

- [feedback whining]

- I'm really sorry,

but it turns out that

I have to work late tonight.

You know, we have

a conference call

with these bankers in China.

The f***ing time zones,

am I right.

Anyway, just go on

without me.

You're gonna be fine.

Those idiots aren't gonna

care if I'm there or not.

F*** Dragon...

[plays backing track]

Um...

So we are...

I am F*** Dragon!

This is a song about

friendship and sandwiches.

Um, it'd supposed to be a

conversation between two people,

so you're gonna have to use

your imagination a little bit.

When I'm here,

it's gonna be me,

so just picture me.

Right? Uh...

And then when I'm over here,

picture like a really tall a**hole guy

that's a dick to all of his friends.

[laughs]

- Yeah. Okay, so...

- He's funny.

Here we go.

[clears throat]

Now listen up.

I said I'm hungry, man

So pay close attention

To the master plan

It goes

Now get up off

Your lazy ass

Run into the kitchen

Better make it fast

Yo, look around

In the cabinets

For the sh*t that I'm

Reading off my list

I want three things

And it ain't that tough

And two out of three

Won't be good enough

I want peanut butter

But not that chunky sh*t

I want it smooth and brown

Like I like my b*tch

I want jelly

Cream and strawberry

Put it on some white bread

And do it in a hurry

I want some peanut butter

And some jelly on a sandwich

I want some peanut butter

And some jelly on a sandwich

I want some peanut butter

And some jelly on a sandwich

I want some...

Okay, now, like the big,

tall, like jerk a**hole guy.

Yo, don't tell me

What to do

Go make it yourself

And make me one, too

Potato bread

Is what I like it on

It's really soft

And it's got it going on

And, man

You must be tripping, son

Chunky is the sh*t

And creamy is done

I like grape jelly

I'm a picky-ass dude

Now get off your ass

And bring me my food

I want some peanut butter

And some jelly on a sandwich

I want some...

[both giggling]

Cool show.

- Yeah.

- Mm.

Seriously.

It was hilarious.

Glad you found it funny.

That whole bit with

the, uh...

the voicemail.

So meta.

Right.

Yeah. No, well, yeah.

I workshopped that

for a while,

and I got a positive

response, so...

Yeah. I mean, it really

sets up the whole

loser friendless character

clinging to his past thing.

Yeah.

That voicemail's real?

Are you ki...

- I'm so sorry!

- It's okay.

Oh, stupid!

Well, you have to admit,

it was kind of funny.

Do I? Is it?

I mean, my best friend told me

he doesn't have time for me

through a PA system in a roomful

of judgmental elitists.

It's a little funny. Yeah, okay.

I'm with you.

- Kind of funny.

- Yeah.

- Also kind of sucks.

- Mm-hmm.

I... Sh*t, I can't believe

you still played.

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