The Revenant Page #2

and this sh*t is not f***ing funny.

(UNLOCKS DOOR)

Jesus, f***! What the f***?

Who is that?

OK, it's me.

I swear to God it's your friend.

What the f***? What the f***?

Who is that?

It's Bart.

Please, open up, man.

F***! Bart?

It's me. it's Bart.

F***!

Get the f*** out of here!

Ow!

Get out of here, dude!

F***!

Get out of here!

Jesus.

What the f*** did you do that for?

What the f*** is going on, dude?

I don't f***ing know, man.

I don't know.

You're supposed to be dead.

So I gather.

Look, I'm not gonna hurt you, OK?

I just need your help.

I'm not gonna hurt you.

Oh, God, this is just a dream,

this is just a f***ing dream

and I gotta f***ing wake up.

Wake up. Wake up, wake up right now.

Wake up.

I tried that. It doesn't work.

So it's not a dream.

So I'm f***ing insane.

That's it. I'm f***ing...

I lost my mind.

Maybe we're insane communally,

together.

And if I'm insane, that means

you're not f***ing here.

But if you're insane...

F***, you can't be f***ing insane,

'cause you're f***ing dead.

Oh, God, f***. How do you know

I'm not just f***ing imagining you?

I don't know the test for that, man.

Let's just pretend that you're not insane,

I'm actually alive and we're having

this f***ing conversation, OK?

That'd be more productive right now.

F***, I feel like sh*t.

Yeah, but you look terrific.

Oh, f***! Look at your f***ing eyes!

Sh*t!

F***, yeah, it's f***ed up.

Look at them.

Jesus! F***, that is not f***ing cool!

Nasty. Oh, f***ing sh*t, you smell!

F***, you got a f***ing reek on you.

God!

You're really making me feel a whole lot

better about this whole situation.

You're f***ing decomposing.

Jesus Christ, you're f***ing rotting.

Dude.

This is not f***ing happening, dude.

This is not f***ing happening.

I was at your funeral, man.

About that - that was a mistake.

I think I was buried alive.

No, dude.

Yeah.

I f***ing touched you, dude.

You were f***ing dead.

It was f***ing cold.

It was nasty...

(THUMPING)

F***ing neighbours. Really?

Nothing changes.

They're still doing that?

Yeah, still.

F***.

MAN:
Turn that thing down!

My funeral. My f***ing funeral.

Really? Yeah.

How's Janet?

She's fine.

She's fine. I mean terrible.

Terrible, devastated.

You know, destroyed.

Um, and, you know,

she's just trying to deal.

We all are. You know, we were nervous

when you went over there.

We just wanted you to come back safe

and, you know, that...

Your uncle Dave called

and was real nice.

He told me, and then I had to

call and tell Janet,

and she was just...

But...but you're f***ing here.

F***ing Jesus Christ!

It's a f***ing miracle, right?

Jesus...

What's wrong? What's wrong?

Everything- Yeah?

I think it's my f***ing liver, 'cause

I don't know anything about livers...

We gotta f***ing get you

to hospital, dude.

F***ing... You are awful.

No.

We gotta f***ing find a doctor,

find out what's wrong with you.

No doctors. it's just my stomach.

Your stomach?

'Cause you f***ing haven't eaten

in three weeks.

I'm gonna go get you a snack.

You want a f***ing snack,

you got a snack, huh?

I got pizza. it's cold, but, um,

you know, it's cold pizza.

I can nuke it, 'cause it tastes better

if I throw it in the nuker.

No, just bring it.

OK.

You found the medicine cabinet.

Yeah.

OK.

Anchovies?

Yeah.

Since when?

Just"

That's disappointing.

(GROANS)

Oh! F***ing... Dude, that's my rug.

(THUMPING FROM UPSTAIRS)

WOMAN ON P.A.:

Dr Forrest, dial 114, please.

Dr Forrest, please dial 114.

Buried alive?

Yeah.

I was definitely, um...

I was definitely buried.

Um...it's the 'alive' part.

I thought I was dead.

Everybody thought...

You were dead.

Here, check this out.

Do you have any STDs?

Syphilis, hepatitis, anything?

I was killed to death in a gunfight.

Can you lean forward for me, please?

And just look straight ahead.

I'm kind of decomposing.

(SNIFFS)

(RETCHES)

Can you take your shirt off for me,

please?

I need you to cough and...

Sure.

Military issue.

(COMMOTION)

(ALARM BUZZES)

What's the problem?

No, no, I can't explain!

What's going on? What's going on?

Get down here!

What is it? What's going on?

Is it Bart? Barthenoy Gregory?

(ALARM CONTINUES)

Dude, cops. We gotta...

We gotta go. There's cops.

I think that this is maybe more

than just a bug.

F***.

What now, man?

I know what I need to do.

Smoke some dope.

OK, uh, so you take the couch.

The couch is all yours.

Um, yeah, and, you know, I think we just

gotta put a positive spin on this.

You know what I mean?

Put it into a positive light.

You know, in Korea,

the word for 'problem',

same word, 'opportunity'.

So, really, we don't have a problem here.

We have an opportunity.

A gargantuan, f***ed-up opportunity.

We'll figure this all out tomorrow,

buttercup.

Jesus!

Sh*t.

Oh, Jesus!

Bart?

Christ... (GROANS)

Argh!

Oh, f***, Bart.

F***! F***, Bart.

(GURGLES)

F***! Bart! What the f***, dude?

Bart?

(GURGLING)

Bart? Oh, Jesus.

(SILENCE)

What the f*** is happening?

Jesus. I just don't believe it.

I know, right?

And what did the doctor say?

We didn't really get

a reasonable diagnosis.

(EXHALES HEAVILY)

God, it's unbelievable.

Promise you're not gonna

tell anybody, right?

No. I mean, yes, I swear.

Not anybody - not Janet, not his mom,

not until we figure out, you know,

what's going on.

So he's not breathing, right? I mean...

Oh, God.

I couldn't find a pulse.

This is disgusting.

Yeah.

Like, he smells dead, at least.

So, why don't you want to tell Janet?

I don't want to tell nobody nothing,

not till we figure out what the f***.

So what's the prognosis?

Well, his aura looks like sh*t.

Oh, his aura looks like...

Is he dead?

Yeah, he's dead.

Dead dead?

Doornail dead.

What the f***?

He was walking around,

puking up blood,

being a general pain in the ass

not four f***ing hours ago.

And then he just arrested?

Arrested?

Died.

Oh.

Maybe, like, his vital signs are so low

he just appears to be dead.

He's been embalmed, Joey.

So...what do we do?

Chop off his head.

What?!

You have to chop off his head

and drive a stake through his heart.

Why would I do that?

Because he's undead.

Undead?

He's a vampire.

A vampire!

Yes, Joey, a vampire,

a creature of the night.

And tonight he'll probably

come back again from death.

A vampire? You're a f***ing idiot.

What's wrong with you?

Joey, I'm serious.

Yeah, I'm serious, Matty.

You're a f***ing retard, OK?

There's a science explanation

for what's happening here.

OK, like what?

Like he's sick.

He has a virus. Gulf War syndrome.

Joey, I'm a nurse.

He died over a month ago.

We buried him two days ago.

What does this look like to you?

OK. Alright.

Vampires have fangs, right?

Look, huh?

Eugh, gross.

No fangs.

Maybe they take some time to grow in.

Yeah, maybe your theory is sh*t

'cause he died, like, a month ago.

OK, so what's he doing on your floor?

I don't know.

That's what I called you for.

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