The Revenant Page #3

You have to chop off his head.

OK, or else?

Or else, Joey, he'll roam the countryside

in search of victims to satiate

his thirst for human blood.

This is ludicrous, OK?

He's not a vampire. He's a dead guy.

I'm gonna take him to the mortuary

and let the morticians deal with him.

Alright, do what you want.

It's not my problem.

But if they don't chop off his head,

he will be back.

Oh, my God, where I live,

on planet Earth,

there's no such thing as vampires.

You know, believe what you want,

but when he rises again and starts

taking the lives of the innocent,

the blood will be on your hands.

It's up to you, Joey.

He will need to drink human blood.

If he doesn't, his soul will be

in eternal agony.

If you're really his friend, you'll put

his soul to rest and chop off his head.

Mathilda, not a word to anyone.

Promise me!

I promise, I do. Kisses.

(CRUNCHING)

(PLASTIC BAG RUSTLES)

(GASPS VIOLENTLY)

(COUGHS)

Holy sh*t, dude.

You scared the piss out of me.

F***. Why am I so stiff?

I usually say that in the morning too.

Was I asleep?

You were dead.

Hey, your hanging-over favourite, huh?

Eggs, smoked oysters

and Spam with mol.

(CHUCKLES) Just the way you like it.

No? What? it's your favourite.

Yeah. I don't have much of an appetite.

I...I'm in the kitchen,

I make it special for you

and now, what, I don't have feelings?

Dig in.

Attaboy.

Mmm!

Good, right? Nice.

(GULPS)

Oh, my God!

That is so wrong.

F***.

OK, you gotta help me.

(STOPS ENGINE)

Alright. OK, this is good.

This is good.

Mmm.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

WOMAN ON P.A.:
Dr Kaple, Dr Kaple.

This is ward 819.

Dr Kaple, call the operator

(MUFFLED ANNOUNCEMEN ON PA.)

May I help you?

Um, I'm just here for some blood.

You're not a nurse.

That's true.

It's true, but, um...

But what?

I don't have all day.

No nurse, no blood.

Right. Um...

You got a security pass?

Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.

Got a security pass.

OK, OK, I don't want to hurt you, ma'am.

I just want some blood.

Oh, here we go.

OK. What type?

What?

What blood type?

I...l don't know. It doesn't matter.

Just hurry up, please.

What are you using it for?

Hey, that's none of your business.

I'm a nurse. Of course it's my business.

I can't indiscriminately dole out

pints of blood

to every strung-out buffoon

who wanders in off the street.

Someone could get the wrong type

and blam, that's it.

So, what blood type?

No, just...just give me

some f***ing blood, lady, OK?

And hurry up,

or I'll give you a bullet sandwich.

Good. Good.

Thank you.

We get your type in here

from time to time - weirdos,

jumping from one fly-by-night

hobbyist cult to another.

You know, the Gothic cult,

the witch coven, Landmark Forum.

You are searching for something,

for fulfillment.

Or maybe...maybe you're a cutter.

Maybe you're a junkie.

But have you asked yourself

if any of this is working?

If any of this is making your life better?

When was the last time

you had a stress test?

I don't know what that is.

I can give you a very simple test

to find out exactly where

your engrams are at.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Please put the blood in the bag.

Have you heard of Dianetics?

No.

You know, you don't have to do this,

you know.

Scientology can help you find

your place in life.

Thank you for your help.

Your purpose.

You're very helpful.

You don't have to...

(PLASTIC CLATTERS)

Sh*t.

Why, you poser! Give me that back,

you rat bastard!

(BOTH GRUNT)

Please.

(SHRIEKS)

Give it back! Security! (SHRIEKS)

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

What's wrong with your eyes?

(SCREAMS) Oh, my God!

You stay right there!

What's wrong with you?

You'll be full of lead, both of you.

(SHRIEKS)

(SCREECHES HYSTERICALLY)

Thank you.

(SCREECHES)

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Here we go!

Drive. Drive, come on.

Holy sh*t. Holy sh*t.

How'd you do, huh?

Oh, I f***ing did good.

Yeah?

I did good. Yeah.

Oh, f***. F***.

Oh, f***.

Where's the f***ing... Oh, f***.

(LAUGHS)

Drink up, baby.

Ah.

Drink it up. There you go.

Look at ya. Look at ya!

Drinking f***ing blood,

this is f***ing surreal.

Whoa.

This is real surreal. You feel good?

(SPANISH HIP-HOP SONG PLAYS)

Oh!

Whoa! Whoa! Not nice.

(BLEATS)

Yeah, girl. Working girl, right?

Yeah, yeah.

We should do this more.

You know, we didn't do this enough

when you were alive.

I feel like I've f***ing...

I feel like I've been

given a second chance.

You have been.

Nobody gets a second chance, nobody.

No... I-I got a second chance

and I'm gonna f***ing use it.

I'm gonna do it the way

I shoulda done it the first time.

There you go.

And no mistakes.

No mistakes.

No regrets.

No surrender.

Because I'm f***ing alive, my man.

God bless you.

(CHURCH BELL TOLLS)

(PANTS) F***.

God. God. (GRUNTS)

Oh, hi, Joey. How are you?

Hey, Mrs Agmanic.

Ah.

Is that Bart?

It's Bart.

He's...he's...

Yeah, he's real sleepy.

He's been doing...

He's drinking, so...

Is he drunk?

Yeah.

Burning the candle at both ends.

I can help if you...

No, no, I'm OK, Mrs Agmanic.

You'll hurt his head.

Yeah, he's asleep.

He fell asleep in the oar, you know.

I'll bring you some...

He's sleepy, I don't wanna wake him.

I'll bring you orange juice.

No, thank you.

I'll bring you coffee.

OK, Mrs Agmanic.

(SPEAKS INDECIPHERABLY)

God. Alright, get you down here.

Come on, baby. Ahh.

Oh, f*** him, alright.

No? Not...not even a tingle?

This is stupid.

OK, alright.

No, let's just experiment.

Alright, so the crucifix

doesn't work.

Hold out your hands.

Joey!

This is actual holy water, OK.

An actual Catholic priest

blessed this sh*t right in front of me.

Please, just hold out your hands.

No, this is ridiculous.

This is ridiculous, OK?

This whole thing is f***ing ridiculous.

Hold your hand out.

(SIGHS)

OK.

Well?

Oh, f***.

That's not wat...

What the f*** is...

Holy sh*t!

What the f***?!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

F***, Bart, I'm f***ing sorry, dude.

Oh, my God!

Why did you do this?!

F***. What do I do?

What's wrong?

WHY DID YOU pour water on my hand?

It didn't do sh*t.

Oh, you f***ing a**hole.

Such an a**hole, man.

Who was stroking your hair last night

when you were drinking blood?

You were, yeah.

Human blood. F*** it.

Look, alright, OK, OK,

I did some research,

and you're either

a zombie or a vampire.

Good. Zombie or a vampire.

I knew there had to be

a scientific explanation for this.

Well... Look, we basically

categorize you as definitely undead.

Alright. There's one catch, Joey.

There's no such thing

as vampires or zombies.

Not according to the internet.

God, the internet.

What do they say about Bigfoot

on the internet?

Bart, you're clearly not Bigfoot-

you're way too short,

you're not covered in hair,

your feet are too small.

OK, OK, alright.

So, zombie, check this out.

A zombie is a dead human

or animal corpse

that has been resuscitated

from death

by virtue of a curse, plague

or other unnatural cause.

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