The Rewrite

1

So thanks very much for having

me in and here's my pitch.

This is a movie I've had in my head for

a long time. It's a comedy. Hopefully.

Anyway...

Let's say Jack Nicholson decided

that he wanted to know

what people truly thought of him.

Whether his life had

actually amounted to anything.

So he fakes his death

and stages his own funeral.

I just think the possibilities

are pretty hilarious.

Ultimately, amid all the clich eulogies

and insincere expressions of grief,

he discovers one grandson

who truly misses him.

It could be very heartwarming.

I don't get this.

Just like I didn't get it when

you pitched it to me six months ago.

I did? Where was that?

At the Red Sunset premiere.

Glad I left such an

impression that night.

Oh, right, sorry, yeah, yeah.

I knew I knew you.

Sorry. Yes! Yes!

Yeah, you were between jobs

and looking for a development position.

So, bravo! No, that was a great night.

Oh, of course, there's no reason

why it couldn't be a woman.

You know, everyone loves Betty White.

Keith, we love you.

We're huge fans.

This is the studio that made

your Paradise Misplaced 15 years ago,

when Jenny over here was just an embryo.

It's a fun idea, it's just not for us.

We're looking more for edgy comedies

with a kick-ass-type woman.

Now if you have something like that,

we'd love to hear it.

You are a fantastic agent

as you have frequently told me.

I just wanted to ask, do you think

you could possibly find me just...

Just one job, you know? Just any job.

OK.

There is something.

You have to hear me out.

If it pays, I'll take it.

My brother-in-law is a chem professor at

Binghamton University in upstate New York,

and they're looking for a writer

in residence this semester,

cos the one they had died,

so I thought of you.

You thought of me for a teaching job?

Look, you're going to teach

a screenwriting class.

You're going to take some time

to figure out your life

and write something great.

And they're going to give you a car,

a house, a salary.

Yeah, a pitiful one I don't doubt.

Well, it's a lot more

than you're making now.

Yeah, but I can't teach

and I hate teachers, you know.

They're frustrated losers who haven't

done anything with their own lives

so they want to instruct other people.

Oh, forget it, I will just

write my script on spec and...

Keith?

OK. Where exactly is Binghamton?

The city of Binghamton is

2,754 miles from Los Angeles

and 172 miles northwest

of New York City.

IBM was founded there.

Sir, is this your bag?

- Yeah.

- Well, we have to check it.

OK.

Rod Serling, creator of Twilight Zone

grew up and was raised there.

I admit there's a somewhat

ominous quality to that factoid.

What is this?

"Best Original Screenplay."

Dude, you wrote Paradise Misplaced?

I did. Yeah, yeah.

That's such a great flick.

- Thank you. Thanks very much.

- Yo, Kevin, Ali, come here.

This is Keith Michaels.

He wrote Paradise Misplaced.

- You wrote that?

- Yeah, yeah.

- A long time ago but I did, yeah.

- Oh, I love that movie, man.

- My kids love that movie.

- Thank you, thank you, I appreciate it.

- Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you, too.

Wow, look at this.

I could have brought a bomb on board

and no one would have minded.

Don't say that. That's not good.

Oh, you're so right. I'm sorry.

I apologise. I used to know what was funny.

Thank you. Thank you.

Binghamton is also the

birthplace of the Spiedie,

a sandwich consisting of cubes

of marinated beef, chicken, or pork

grilled over a charcoal pit.

Binghamton is amongst the top 10

most cloudy and rainy American cities.

On the plus side, it is considered

"the carousel capital of the world".

It has never been the

site of a major riot.

And from what I can tell so far,

it is the absolute end of civilisation.

It's impossible to know what

anyone could have to teach here

except "get out".

Can I help you with something?

Oh, sorry. I'm just a bit jet-lagged.

I just flew in from LA.

- You came here from LA?

- Yeah. Yeah.

I have come to teach at the college.

- What are you teaching?

- Writing. Screenwriting.

You're Keith Michaels?

I submitted a screenplay for that class.

He wrote Paradise Misplaced.

Are you kidding me?

Come sit with us.

No, I don't want to impose...

Dude, you have to. It's only

my favourite movie of all time.

OK, I will... I will obey.

Thank you.

I'm Karen. This is Judy and Chloe.

Right. What are you

all majoring in then?

- I'm pre-med.

- Really?

And where do you

stand on full body scans?

Would you say helpful or would you say

cancer-causing cash conduits?

- Well, I mean...

- Nice alliteration.

I'm an English major.

I thought I recognised

a fellow sufferer.

And Chloe is majoring in...

Telepathy?

I can't believe you wrote that movie.

That's absolutely, truly cool.

Nice assonance.

- Assonance is the repetition of vowel sounds.

- Vowel sounds.

Look at me. Teaching already.

I really want to take your course.

Well, that's good news.

I thought maybe no one would.

Fantastic.

Henry, no. Sorry. Henry's not used

to seeing people in the house.

I'm Jim.

Hi, Jim. Henry.

I've got to get ready for work.

Right. No problem.

Hey.

Good morning.

I unfortunately have to go. I'm supposed

to meet the head of the department.

Dr Lerner. I had him for Chaucer.

When you say you

"had him" for Chaucer...

- This was really fun.

- Yeah.

- See you later.

- Yeah.

I like being a teacher.

Harold Lerner. How was your trip?

It was nice. Thank you.

We could have had somebody

meet you at the airport.

I'm sure one of our nerdier English majors

would have been happy to do that.

Oh, no, no, that's fine.

Although I have actually met

some of the students,

and they're extremely generous

with their time.

Oh, sure, yeah, they're friendly.

Most of them are high.

US Marine Corps.

I... I like to follow the rules.

Well, Writers Guild of America.

I feel exactly the same.

Excellent.

Let me grab something

and I'll show you to your new digs.

Yeah, yeah.

Good use of their parents'

tuition money.

Well, here's your new home

away from home.

That's lovely. Yeah, thank you.

Oh, there's a little faculty get-together

at 5:
00 tonight in the Susquehanna Lounge.

Give you a chance to meet

the rest of the department.

Good. Great.

- All right. Give me a call if you need anything.

- Yep, yep, yep.

Thank you. Oh, Dr Lerner,

you forgot your box.

Oh, I'm sorry, no. That's yours.

That's the 30-page screenplays

submitted by all the students

who wanna take your course.

About 70 of them.

And you teach day after tomorrow,

so we're going to need

your selections right away.

You only have to pick 10.

We would have let you know sooner,

but we didn't know you were

taking the job until a couple days ago.

OK.

- Happy reading.

- Yeah.

Mr Michaels! Mr Michaels!

Hi.

Hi.

Oh, I'm glad I caught you

before the faculty reception.

I'm Holly Carpenter.

Hello. Hello.

And what do you teach, Holly?

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