The Rewrite Page #2

What, teach? No, I don't teach.

I learn. I'm a sophomore.

Really?

Oh, you are? That's great. That's good. It's

wonderful going back to school at your...

- Height?

- Yes, exactly.

I thought that's what you meant.

It was, it was. We're very simpatico.

Holly, listen,

I'm a little late for this thing.

Am I going the right way

to the Susquehanna Lounge?

Yes, it's straight ahead.

OK, great. Thank you.

I'm actually a psych major.

And...

We have a lit requirement,

and I've written short stories

and I've written poems. I love writing.

I have an idea for a screenplay,

I know the class submission deadline

was yesterday...

But I stayed up last night and wrote this and

I hope that you would still consider me.

Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, I've got to tell you,

I love Paradise Misplaced.

I still watch it with my girls.

Oh, your girls? Are you a lesbian?

I wish. No, my daughters.

Of course. Well, of course.

Well, I hope you watch a DVD

and not one of those illegal web sites.

Oh, I didn't know that was an option.

I'll have to check that out.

A criminal. Now I will read this

with genuine interest.

OK, thank you. Thank you.

- Thank you.

- Yeah.

- I hope you like it.

- Oh, yeah.

Thank you very much.

- That is quite... Thank you. Yeah.

- You're welcome.

Hi, Jim Harper. My dog, Henry IV, and I

were peering in your window this morning.

Yes, wow. That was, that was...

That was unusual.

Yeah. Henry kind of walks me.

- Listen, I love your movie.

- Oh, thank you very much, thank you.

I've actually written three,

and a co-writing credit on another.

Oh, wow, I didn't know that. That's terrific.

Jeez, I wish I could do what you do.

Oh, so do I. And what do you do, Jim?

I teach Shakespeare.

Excuse me. Keith, I'd like you to meet

some of our other English faculty.

This is Ron Jenson, Medieval Literature.

Pleasure. I really love your movie.

Oh, thanks, the movies...

Paul Prentiss, American Lit.

Great to have you here.

Great, thanks a lot.

- Hi, Naomi Watkins, African Literature.

- Nice to meet you, Naomi. I'm Keith.

Clara Foss, fellow writer, resident poet.

Welcome aboard.

Well, that didn't rhyme at all.

I doubt your credentials.

And this is Professor Mary Weldon.

Professor Weldon holds the Bainbridge Chair

in Comparative Literature

and she's about to publish

what will prove to be

- the definitive work on Jane Austen.

- Oh, I'm so sorry.

- You don't like Jane Austen?

- No, no, she's obviously brilliant.

It's just I find it all

a bit trivial, you know?

Really? That's fascinating. How so?

Well, isn't it all, you know,

"Who's going to the ball tonight?

"My corset is askew.

However will I curtsey?"

I'd also like you to meet...

In other words, why should

a 21st century man care

about the obstacles facing

a 19th century woman?

No, that makes me sound like a misogynist.

I love and respect women.

As long as they're not writing.

On the contrary, there are

myriad women writers I adore.

- Can you name one?

- Elaine May.

I'm not familiar with her work.

Oh, she wrote A New Leaf, The Birdcage,

she did an uncredited rewrite on Tootsie.

Movies?

We're talking about literature.

And while you may not think much

of the women writers of that period,

Austen, Woolf, and the Bronte sisters

were artists

who represented

the female empowerment of their age.

Oh, well, forgive me,

but I'm just a little bit tired

of "female empowerment."

Whoa! Battle stations.

Dr Lerner, you must

have an opinion on this?

I have a wife and four daughters.

I have no opinions.

What exactly is

your opinion, Mr Michaels?

- Another glass?

- Thank you so much, that's nice.

It's just, honestly, everything seems to be

about female empowerment nowadays.

You know, any meeting I go

to in Hollywood, someone says,

"You know what we need? A kick-ass girl.

That would be a great twist."

Except every movie has a kick-ass girl.

You know, some martial-arts,

CGI, slow-motion woman

who kicks the crap out of

every man in her path.

Can I tell you what would be

truly innovative?

A movie without a kick-ass girl.

Or, better yet, a movie where

a woman gets her ass kicked.

Perhaps you'd like to kick mine.

No, don't be silly.

I didn't mean literally.

Besides, not much of a target there.

Which I mean in a very nice way...

Cos you are in great shape.

You're... You're svelte.

This... I'm sure you'd like to meet...

Somebody.

Hey. So this worked out great, right?

Two of us living right

next door to each other.

- Yeah.

- I'll give you a lift in tomorrow.

Oh, thank you, Jim.

You know, you're a lovely man

with an unusual dog...

But I don't think I can do this.

I actually miss LA,

and I didn't think that was possible.

"O thou invisible spirit of wine,

"if thou hast no name to be

known by, let us call thee devil!"

When I was younger,

I thought having the perfect

Shakespeare quote for any situation

would make me beloved.

It's surprisingly unhelpful.

Yeah, it seems to really annoy people.

Sorry, hang on, hang on, hang on.

I'm going to have to take this.

I think I can find my house from here.

OK, sure, you go for it.

- Listen though...

- Hang on one second.

Give teaching a shot, OK?

It gets its hooks in you, you'll see.

With all respect, I don't believe

that anything worth knowing

can be taught in a classroom.

And I intend to do as little as possible

while carrying on with this charade.

Yeah, if I gave it any thought,

I'd probably feel the same way.

Yeah, hi.

Oh, hi. I'm stuck in traffic,

I thought I'd check in. How's it going?

I'm very, very, very, very cold, and,

I have to read a huge box of scripts,

and I just got into a fight with

Professor McGonagall about Jane Austen.

You know, it's interesting

that you should bring that up.

You know what J.K. Rowling said?

"Where did I put

that last billion dollars?"

She said that failure was the best

thing that ever happened to her

cos it freed her from the inessential.

It allowed her to concentrate on the

thing that mattered most. Writing.

Maybe the time has come for me to write

that sequel to Paradise Misplaced

that you've been hounding me

for all these years.

Hey, hey. I thought

you weren't interested.

You said the story was over,

and if I remember correctly,

continuing it would be creative suicide.

Yeah, well, that was when I was young

and believed in myself.

So now is the perfect time.

"Flo Bai."

Hello, Flo. Congratulations

and welcome to the screenwriting class.

"Dave Fenman."

You're a good-looking guy, Dave.

Get your own screenwriting class.

Not even close.

Hello. Good morning. I'm Keith Michaels.

Oh, thank you.

Thanks very much. Thanks, yeah.

Thank you.

Well, now...

Since it will be easier for me

to evaluate your material

if I read an entire script,

and you've all turned in 30 pages

and the average screenplay is 120,

that leaves roughly 90 to go.

So if you write three pages a day,

six days a week,

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