The Ridiculous 6

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Lookie here.

My day is made.

I didn't even finish breakfast

and I get to kill me a stinkin' Injun.

Injun?

Nah.

I just dress like this so's I don't get

scalped out on the prairie.

Oh, well, that's a convincing outfit.

Yeah, you can't be too safe out there...

with all of them savages runnin' around.

So, what can I do you for?

Need some flour.

Five sacks.

And a carrot with peanut butter on it.

Now, what's that gonna run me?

Well, sack of flour's 45 cents.

So, five sacks...

is 40...

Wanna get back to me on that?

Yeah, look...

Now, the flour's in the basement.

You can fetch it yourself.

Much obliged.

Well, lookie what we got here.

Sweet piece of red prairie meat

out all by her lonesome.

- What do you make of that, Nelly?

- Oh, I think she's waiting on you, Will.

Go on, get on it.

It's on now.

Yeah.

Go get her, Will.

Oh, oh, oh.

Here we go.

Now, you must be wondering why five badass

hombres with perfect jawlines...

all sport the same stylish eye patch.

Not my business.

We all carved our eyeballs

out our skull

to show how devoted

we are to this gang.

We the Left-Eye Boys!

Yeah!

Hey!

You got real pretty eyes, miss.

You reckon we can,

I don't know, borrow one?

Can we borrow one?

Now, is that a proper question

to ask a lady?

Who are you, slick?

The boyfriend?

Soon to be the husband.

Oh, wait a minute!

That's a white boy under that getup.

That's a white boy? Oh, sh*t.

You partial to pale faces, Poca-hot-tits?

Huh?

'Cause I can show you

what a real white man's like.

- Yeah, show her, Will. Yeah, go on.

- Yeah, shuffle up, Will.

- Dance now, boy.

- Shuffle on over.

- There you go.

- That's some white boy sh*t right there.

Now, I do want to carve my eyes out.

- What'd you say?

- Hey, fellers...

I'd hit the trail before you get hurt.

Before we get hurt?

Before we get hurt.

I think you've been smokin' too much

of that peace pipe, kemo-slobby.

Now, from what I see, there's one of you,

and there's five of us.

Four of you.

What just happened?

You wanna see it again?

Uh... yes.

- I don't like this sh*t.

- Shut up.

Well, that's some, uh...

real fancy footwork.

But I think this hullabaloo has escalated

to the firearms stage.

Boys, let's ventilate this.

What the sh*t that just happened?

What the hell?

What in the hell?

"Hit the trail. "

It was so simple.

You must stop doing this, White Knife.

One day, there will be too many.

But not today, Smoking Fox.

Please, my love...

we must go.

What the hell

happened out here?

Injuns.

They went that way.

You ain't no white man.

You're that orphan, White Knife.

Raised like an animal with those Apaches.

You think you can fool ol' Clem?

Sorry, Ringo.

Well, now I'm gonna shoot you

and your Injun whore.

Gotta cut breakfast short.

You suck, mister!

You suck!

What are you?

Yes, White Knife.

Go, White Knife.

Yay!

You lucky, Smoking Fox.

White Knife all man.

Bravest of all braves.

Not brave. Foolish.

I want to be wife, not widow.

Afternoon, ladies.

This is Apache land.

I'm not here to take your land, Chief.

I'm just looking for a particular boy.

I'm Frank Stockburn.

This boy's mother was my wife.

And the boy, Tommy...

he's my son.

It is wise to be slow to trust,

White Knife.

But every new journey begins

with a single step.

Speak with your father.

But you are my father,

Screaming Eagle.

Ever since my mother...

Ever since you found me...

you taught me to hunt,

to fight...

when to speak and when to be silent.

- To be a man.

- A good man.

And this Frank Stockburn,

he is filled with lies,

just like every other white man.

Sometimes, the white man speaks the truth.

Like, one in 20, 25 times.

I believe this is one of those times.

He knew your mother, White Knife.

Maybe he can give you some peace.

Talk to him.

Maybe after I close my eyes to dream.

Mommy!

Oh, no.

One look at me, and you knew your old man

had done a lot of bad things, didn't ya?

I cheated men, I killed men...

So I deserve whatever's comin' to me.

The only one that ever saw any good in me

was your mother.

Oh!

Why have you come here?

Not a man for chitchat, huh?

Well, me neither.

Kid, I'm dying...

of consumption.

Don't worry...

I'm not looking

for no big father-son hoo-ah.

"I love you, son. "

"I love you too, Daddy. "

No.

I've come for a more tangible reason.

Tommy, I've been stealing from folks

since I was nine years old...

and that's the way I've amassed

a good little fortune.

I wanna do something

decent with it.

I want to give it to you, son.

I don't want your money.

But maybe you could give...

$50,000 to these nice Injuns

who raised you.

We'll take it.

Go back to bed.

Sorry.

Seriously, though,

we'll take it.

Look, it's buried in the meadow

just up the trail,

next to a big ol' pine tree.

What do you say

we go dig it up in the morning

and start playing Santa Claus?

I don't remember much about my mother...

but I do remember her telling me...

you were dead.

Maybe it was because...

she didn't want

you to come looking for me.

She was a smart lady.

Only stupid thing she ever did

was fall for me.

Meeting Betty Dunson...

was the luckiest thing

that ever happened to me.

From the first day I laid eyes on her...

she was bawlin' out this...

half-drunk, big ol' burly blacksmith...

down at Silver Canyon.

She's been the only one, Tommy.

Mom had a temper?

Temper?

When she got her dander up, look out.

We was in a saloon once.

This fellow sitting next to her

starts talking about the perfect way

to make a cherry pie...

So your mom says to me,

"Frank, come here a minute.

Tell me again,

just where did you get them flowers?"

I said, "I know that you think

I stole them from the graveyard. "

Good morning, boys.

Morning, Never Wears Bra.

I had dream about you last night,

White Knife.

Oh, that's nice.

Not nice dream.

In dream, you naughty.

You naughty, White Knife.

Mmm, somebody's got an admirer.

Yes, yes.

But like you,

there's only one woman for me.

I guess we Stockburns are...

partial to the sweet ones.

Yes, sir.

Like your mother.

How did she die, Tommy?

You tell me?

Well, there were these big kids at school

fixin' to beat me up.

Instead of facing them myself,

I had her walk me there.

This feller comes out of nowhere...

walks right up to her and shoots her dead.

So that's how she died,

protecting her gutless son

instead of being home,

safe where she belonged.

Who's that?

Is that Bony Express?

Bony Express

don't come around here.

Giddyap!

He's here somewhere, boys.

Let's burn him out!

Oh...

Next one goes through your forehead.

Hey, hey!

No need to burn nothing, boys!

Howdy, boss.

Cicero...

you're not gonna let a man

enjoy his retirement, are ya?

No, Frank, I salute your decision

to turn from your sinful ways.

But the money...

that belongs to all of us.

Touch that steel, boy,

I got plenty of bullets left over

after I put one in...

your father.

Oh, you finally found your long lost son.

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