The Rise & Fall of a White Collar Hooligan

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[man whistles tune]

[man] Un visiteur pour le prisonnier

de la cellule 18.

[French accent] Looks like

you made yourself a pretty home in here.

How long are you planning to stay?

You've been here a month now.

No one came for you.

You've had no visitors.

No one even asked for you.

No one wrote you a letter.

Don't you have family? Don't you have

a nice little girl you want to see?

I mean, I can make that happen.

I can put you on a train

back home today.

Just tell me what you know.

Your problem. Have a nice day.

[narrator] They think I'm just a thief.

I prefer the term white collar hooligan.

[man] Allume la lumiare

dans la cellule 18.

[narrator] This is my story.

[rap music]

[man] This is the police. All crowds

should disperse this area immediately.

[narrator] The beautiful game.

Our great nation's number one sport.

Every week,

hundreds of thousands of people

cram their way into these places

to follow their team.

I love it, and if you love it too,

you don't need me to explain.

If you don't know what I mean,

no explanation will ever

make you understand.

Being a part of the crowd, the mob,

gives you a great sense of power,

like animals in a pack.

We're strong because of the group.

We'll always be OK

'cause our mates have got our back.

I f***ing love this game,

the skill, the dedication

and the finesse on the pitch,

the awesome power

of the crowd in the stands.

F***ing fruit! Yeah, you!

Yeah, you, you f***ing pig c*nt!

- Oi, Mike.

- Come on, you f***ing mug!

- D*ckhead!

- F***ing hell. Oi, Mike!

Ed. Eddie Hill, mate.

What you doing here?

- Same thing as you.

- Hey, f*** you, you c*nt, you d*ckhead!

They're bringing the f***ing

tear gas out. You wanna go for a drink?

- The Duke's open.

- Let's go, mate.

Come on, let's f*** off.

Watch out, lads. Go on.

[Mike] A great man once said football

wasn't a matter of life and death.

It was more important than that.

He was right.

- What f***ing happened to him?

- F*** knows.

He's probably an accountant

by the sound of it.

- Oh, sh*t, mate.

- What?

- Oh. F*** me. I'm gonna have to go.

- F*** off.

- I thought we were going for a drink.

- Yeah. It's work, mate.

Not really something I can say no to.

I'll tell you what, let's have

a big one tonight, a proper catch-up.

- D'you know Terry's on Gloucester Road?

- I know it.

Perfect. Freshen up and we'll meet in

a couple of hours. We'll catch up then.

- A couple of hours?

- Two hours.

Two hours. All right, sweet.

Oi! Look at me

when I'm trying to talk to you.

- What you been doing with yourself?

- Bit of this, bit of that.

- Oh, sh*t. Unemployed.

- No, just not many jobs out there.

- Know what I mean, Ed?

- Bollocks.

There's f***ing hundreds of jobs around.

Loads of them.

Just nobody wants to do them.

Well, except retards.

Nobody wants to f***ing flip burgers

or wipe arses for minimum wage, do they?

- And who can blame them?

- I've been doing a lot of interviews.

Yeah, no, course, mate.

I'm not slagging you off.

I respect you. I think you've got

the right idea. Know your worth

Wait for the right opportunity

to come up.

You know the England manager

position's open? You should go for that

Yeah, very funny.

[laughs]

Give it up, mate.

Nicey Pricey is bad news.

She would chew you up and spit you out.

Actually, mate, I do have a bit of work

on I could throw your way.

Give me a call on this number if

you want a bit of cash for some driving.

I really appreciate that, Ed.

I'm just not looking

to get into anything dodgy right now.

- You know what I mean, mate?

- Nothing dodgy. It's all above board.

Easy money for a bit of driving

I'm trying to throw my mate's way.

Yeah, I bet. With dodgy little packages

in the back seat of the motor.

Mike, that is really harsh.

Ed, you grew up five minutes

away from me, son. Look at you now.

With a whistle, birds wrapped

round you in a place like this.

You're either a drug dealer

or you're in the music industry.

You wanna be a singer?

[whispers]

Mate, I gotta shoot off for a minute.

Let me take care of something.

I'll be back in a bit.

- Handwriting's good.

- What?

Handwriting.

Um...

If you bothered to take a look,

which, I'm not gonna lie to you,

I'm pretty sure you haven't,

you'd notice that I've taken great care

to make everything nice and...

nice and legible.

Full of all the jobs

I've been applying for here.

- Mm-hm.

- And... And not been getting.

It's a competitive market.

Have you considered

going back to university?

- I left university a little while ago.

- Got kicked out?

Well, no. I didn't complete my degree.

Look, I just need something

that's a bit better than minimum wage

that takes half a brain to do,

you know what I mean?

Yes, but we've been sending you

on interviews.

But there's not many jobs around at the

moment and a lot of people out of work.

But do try again in a week or so.

I really am trying, babe. I sent my CV

to those agencies you gave me.

But, to be honest,

I ain't gonna hold my breath.

Well, don't lose hope, OK?

You'll find something

that not only pays well,

that's enjoyable

and that challenges you.

You'll find it soon.

Thank you.

Thank you for making my lunch break

more bearable.

Well, thank you for buying me lunch...

...and maybe renewing my season ticket?

Baby, do you think we should be

a little bit more careful with money?

Just until we're both earning.

I know, football is part of you,

I love you,

ergo I must understand

and love your love of football

even if I don't share it.

Now, I'm not gonna start moaning

about buying you a season ticket.

Just don't let me down, OK?

I won't, I promise.

Safe.

Oh, what, the short slee...?

Don't worry, they'll grow back, mate.

What attracted me most

to working in a ladies clothes shop?

Ladies.

Huh. You all right there? Wanna...

Job like this

must take a lot of restraint.

Yeah, seriously,

you wanna be quiet a little bit?

This is lovely.

This is a bit of me, this, look.

Oh, it's a bit tight, though, innit?

F***ing hell, have I put on weight?

Do I look fat to you, bruv?

Have you got any experience

recording live music?

Not much live music per se,

but I do remember recording the radio,

and it takes a lot of skill to press

stop before the DJ starts talking.

Listen, listen, don't, don't...

I'll do anything, all right?

I'm... I'm a bit f***ing desperate,

to be honest.

I like gold, really, 'cause

you should always invest in gold

'cause it's... available.

But I've got a bird

and she obviously wears clothes.

You know. Pretty much makes me

a f***ing expert really, doesn't it?

You ever used an MX380 before?

No worries. I should be sweet with that.

I prefer the blackberry, though.

Now, seriously now, yeah?

I'll do cash in hand, all right? Just

under the table, no questions. Yeah?

- Can I have a job?

- No.

All right, can I have a doner and chips?

Hold the salad.

Leave us alone, would you?

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