The Rise & Fall of a White Collar Hooligan Page #2

---

What the f***'s all this?

Well, maybe it's time

to just lower your sights a little bit

You've been out of work for a while,

which doesn't look good on your CV.

And not to mention they've stopped

paying your Jobseeker's Allowance.

Mm.

There is one more place I could try.

[whistling]

Hey-

- Sorry I'm late.

- About f***ing time.

- Have you seen this?

- What's that?

There's a recession going on

and we're spending 18 million quid

on a centre back.

He's too f***ing short.

Here, listen, good things come

in small packages. Don't worry about it.

- Is that what the missus told you?

- Shut up.

Speaking of small packages,

that, my friend, is yours.

It's a f***ing hairdryer.

I'm gonna get f***ing laughed at.

No, you're not, mate.

Come on, look at it.

It's the embodiment of inconspicuous.

It's great on fuel economy.

It's fully insured

and it is all 100% yours, for work.

Come on, mate. Look at it.

I can totally see you in this car.

- Mikey, the successful hooligan.

- F*** off.

All right, well, how about this?

New phone.

Brand-new work phone.

New phone, new car, fully insured.

List all the good things

I'm doing for you.

Work phone, work car. Yeah, great.

Not gonna do me much good

getting the sh*t kicked out of me.

You're not gonna get the sh*t kicked

out of you. It's not rocket science.

It's easy money for a bit of driving.

All you've gotta do

is take packages I give you

to an address I tell you to go to.

- Bang, you're done.

- And they give me the money?

Y... No.

Nobody said anything about any money.

Look, you just take the package

to the address I give you.

Give me a call.

I'll phone the guys. They'll come down.

They might give you a package back.

Look, it's got nothing to do with drugs.

- Yeah, but it is drugs, though, innit?

- No, it is not drugs.

The sentence for drugs is ridiculous,

which reminds me, mate,

I don't want you drinking or driving

in this car, insured or not.

Keep the tires fully inflated.

Make sure the lights work.

I don't need you pulled over.

Because you don't want the Old Bill

finding the drugs.

There are no drugs in this f***ing car.

I'm telling you. Come on.

I've actually got a date tonight, I've

got somewhere to be, you know that?

Right, this is gonna be

your first assignment.

You take this to that address.

- What, now?

- Yes, now.

Do you have a pressing dinner engagement

I don't know about?

No, but I just thought...

That you wouldn't have to do the job

in order to do the job? Come on, mate.

I don't know.

Look, Mikey, if you don't wanna do this,

you don't have to do it.

If the dole money is keeping you happy

and you're just trundling along fine

with Katie, then don't do this.

It's easy money for a bit of driving.

I'm just trying to help a mate out.

Oh, mate, look,

it's not f***ing drugs, is it?

It's not drugs.

First week's wages.

- I need the f***ing money.

- Good boy.

- And the keys are in the ignition.

- Yeah, yeah.

Oh, Mikey, that feeling in the pit

of your stomach? That goes away.

F***ing hell.

Great. F***ing delivery service

for PC World.

[voice-mail bleeps]

[Ed] Hello, mate. I bet you looked

inside that box already.

I told you it wasn't drugs.

Listen, the boys are gonna be there

in 15 minutes. Just sit tight.

[bleeps]

[Mike] I was shitting it.

In my head, every car behind me

was undercover police

and every speed limit

a chance to get pulled over.

Eddie said it was all legit.

But if it was,

why the hell weren't we using DHL?

It did cross my mind to call him

and tell him I'd changed my mind.

But the prospect of more job interviews

and queuing up at the dole office

resolved me to stick it out.

After all, money's money.

I soon got into the swing of things

[rap music]

[inaudible]

Speaking of which,

you've been doing good at the job.

- It's a piece of piss.

- I know, but you never ask questions.

Well, you pay me to drive, deliver sh*t.

It's what I do. It's nothing.

Mike, any idiot can make deliveries.

I think we both know

you're more capable than that.

Mate, I want you to think

of the last few months as a warm-up.

- A trial for the real job.

- Yeah, go on.

How would you like to earn

1,000 a night?

Ed, man,

what the f*** is it that you do?

Credit cards.

- Credit cards?

- Yeah.

What the f*** do you do

with credit cards?

Use the credit.

You remember about 10 years ago,

banks and businesses,

encouraged by the government,

introduced the chip and PIN system?

Mate, that opened up

the floodgates for us.

You know the chip and PIN pads

the small little things in

petrol stations, shops, bars and clubs,

you enter your number into,

they were sold to the businesses on the

premise that they were 100% tamper proof,

the idea that if somebody tried

to open them up or modify them,

they would just shut down

and more importantly

the customer data would be safe.

What they didn't tell anybody was

that was a lie. It isn't safe.

We found a way

to modify the chip and PIN pad

so that they record the data

without affecting the transaction.

I'm gonna show you how.

We pay somebody

a couple of hundred quid

to swap their machine

for our machine for a few days

whilst it racks up the customer details.

We take those details,

download them onto a server

and then put them

onto clean cards for us to use.

F***ing took you long enough.

And it is completely 100% untraceable.

We end up with thousands

of credit and debit card details

which nobody knows have gone missing

until after we've swiped

one of these magic cards

[Mike] F***ing hell.

[Ed] And the geeks put

all that information onto blank cards.

Yeah, they're all in order, thank you.

The hardware is very interesting, I'm

sure, but this isn't the Dixons. Thanks.

They get a bit possessive.

- Jack, how's it going this week?

- Yep, good, thank you.

All the hardware's in,

software's loaded,

and we're set for the week, I think,

and thank you for the new games console.

That's OK, mate. I didn't pay for it.

Come on.

It always amazes me

that they spend all day on a computer

and then in the evening wanna relax

by playing another computer game.

But that's geeks for you.

- So, mate, what are you thinking?

- What do you do with them?

Oh. Dinner and a movie.

Sometimes a new pair of shoes.

What do you f***ing think

we do with them?

- We withdraw cash from them.

- From people's accounts?

Or their credit cards.

Mate, we withdraw whatever the machine

will allow us to withdraw.

Anywhere between

250 and 300 a night per card.

But then we ditch the card after one use

and then we move onto the next one

and the next one and so on and so on.

- Yeah, it's still theft, mate.

- Mike, we're not mugging people.

We're not stealing from grannies.

We're not walking into a jewelry shop

with a shotgun

giving somebody a f***ing heart attack.

The money's all insured. The only people

that lose are the f***ing banks.

They're the biggest c*nts of all

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes