The Ritual

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(SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMEN AND BACKGROUND CHATTER)

(FOOTBALL COMMENTATOR

SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

(SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT)

MALE COMMENTATOR: Amira's

brought down just outside the area.

The keeper catches it comfortably.

It now looks like there will be

a substitution for the blues.

Gentry replaces Penny.

- Take your time.

- BARMAN:
You what?

Big head on that, mate. Thank you.

No problem.

MAN:
Oh, yeah, two weeks straight

drinking, man. What a great time.

Had a great time.

Felt better when I got home.

- (LAUGHS)

- Easy.

- What about... What about Ibiza?

- No, we're too old for Ibiza.

What are you talking about? You're

never too old for the island, mate.

That's what people who are too old

for Ibiza say. Where are the crisps?

Oh, I said, "Can I have crisps

for that guy,"

I pointed to you, and he said you're

not allowed to have crisps any more.

Said you're only allowed salads.

F***ing d*ckhead.

It's just what he said,

Dom, I'm sorry.

That's harsh, man.

Why don't we go to... Boom, Amsterdam?

- No, it's too touristy now, innit?

- All right, TripAdvisor.

- I'm not getting off my head again.

- Tuscany?

- Yeah, yeah, no, good wines.

- No.

- DOM:
Berlin, then?

- Nein.

- Belgium?

- Belgium?

Mate, no-one's ever been

to Belgium by choice.

- What's in Belgium?

- Beers that are like 42% or something.

What about hiking? Hiking in Sweden?

- Hiking?

- Yeah.

- Hiking.

- That's a good shout.

Come on, man, let's do something good.

- What's it called again?

- The King's Trail.

It kind of runs up between

Sweden and Norway.

You can go there in the summer.

Oh, yeah, yeah, it's like

the Appalachian Trail, right?

Yeah. Apart from there's more history

than hill billies.

We wanna do something different.

I just don't want go to Amsterdam.

You wanna mix it up.

Yeah, it's not like we're 21 any more.

Oh, look, there's that...

I'm gonna get a bottle.

- Who's on it?

- No way. School night, mate.

I wanna crack on.

So no-one...

Anyone wanna come with me?

- Nope.

- Come on, Robert.

- Yeah, go on, then.

- Oh, man.

- Bad idea.

- Anyone want any sweets or anything?

You're not involved in that, are you?

- I'm getting an Uber.

- Yeah, good.

Don't you think that it's getting

harder now to have a good time?

Do you know that Phil actually

suggested making this brunch?

F***ing brunch. I'm not, I'm not,

I'm not gonna plan a lads' holiday

over a f***ing avocado on toast, mate.

- I'm just... I'm not doing it.

- Avocado's all right.

Do you really wanna go hiking?

Hiking, for fun?

- Yeah.

- In f***ing Sweden?

Yeah, I do. I dunno,

I just wanna test myself a little,

you know. A challenge.

What would be a challenge is getting

Dom on the side of a mountain.

Where's the vodka?

Just a shame, you know. It's a shame.

It's a shame what he's become.

Yeah. Yeah, big shame, yeah.

Big successful businessman

with a beautiful wife and children.

Yeah, no, it's a...

(WHIMPERING)

- (EXHALES SHARPLY)

- Don't f***ing argue, you c*nt!

There's more!

Where the f*** is it, huh?

- (WOMAN SOBBING)

- Stop f***ing crying!

(BOTTLES RATTLE)

Don't f***ing move.

- Give me your wallet.

- MAN 1:
Right, give it to him.

ROBERT:
Okay, okay, it's okay.

MAN 1:
Don't just stand there, do it!

MAN 2:
Give me your f***ing wallet.

- What else you got?

- MAN 1:
What else you got?

- (BOTTLE SMASHES)

- MAN 1:
Just take his watch.

- Give me the f***ing watch.

- All right, no problem, here.

- MAN 1:
Do it!

- ROBERT:
Okay, all right.

MAN 2:
And the ring.

ROBERT:
No. It's my wedding ring.

- MAN 1:
We don't give a f***!

- MAN 2:
Just give me the f***ing ring.

- MAN 1:
Just take it off him!

- ROBERT:
No. Look, you've done enough.

It... Just leave.

Take it the f*** off him!

ROBERT:
Come on.

MAN 1:
Listen, you take that ring off

or I will f*** you up!

- Look, I'm not...

- (ROARS)

- (WOMAN SCREAMS)

- (GASPS)

MAN 2:
Oh, f***!

Mate, what are you doing?

MAN 1:
I told you.

- MAN 2:
F***ing hell, mate!

- (GASPS)

What are you doing?

MAN 1:
It's all right.

- For f***'s sake. Leave it.

- MAN 2:
Right, let's go, let's go!

(RUNNING FOOTSTEPS)

(WIND HOWLS)

(WIND BLOWS)

(TENT UNZIPS)

(TENT UNZIPS)

Morning.

F*** me, it's cold.

I'll get the coffees on.

- Morning, bud.

- Morning.

- How did you sleep?

- (GROANS)

Like I'd just walked up

a big f***ing mountain, man.

One night down, two to go, mate.

Makes you feel insignificant, right?

- DOM:
Speak for yourself.

- Come on, man, where's your soul?

These mountains were smashed out by

Nordic gods with big bastard hammers.

You know what they have

on walking trails in England?

- Pubs.

- Yeah, whatever.

Don't tell me you're not impressed.

Yeah, yeah, these are new boots.

Reduced to 200 quid.

- Memory foam as well.

- But you still need to break them in.

Yeah, definitely.

It's just basic common sense, Phil.

Okay, I think I've found a spot.

Just up the top of that hill.

- F*** me.

- It's beautiful.

(BREATHES HEAVILY AND SNIFFS)

Jesus... Christ!

Oh, f*** every hill in the world.

Shall we do this?

- Bo will be up there waiting for him.

- Man, I hated that dog.

He was a good man.

The best of us.

It should never have happened.

It should never have happened

but it did...

- And all we can do is remember him.

- (SNIFFS)

(SNIFFS)

(SNIFFS)

Robert, we miss you, mate.

DOM:
We haven't seen her.

I can't remember

the last time I saw her.

PHIL:
Yeah, I mean,

she mentioned Gayle.

DOM:
Yeah, well, they get on.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

Rob would have loved this place.

Except we wouldn't be here, though,

would we?

We'd be on some terrible lads' holiday

that he would have hated.

I've said it before, I don't care what

anyone says,

it wasn't your fault, mate.

- F***ing hell, is that the lodge?

- I think it is, yeah.

Ah. I thought we were

further out than that.

Uh-uh.

When we get back I was thinking

I might stop on a few days.

Maybe get out there,

do a little bit more hiking.

- What do you think, man?

- I dunno, mate.

Come all this way,

we gotta make the most of it.

No, I think this is enough for me.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

What are you doing, man?

Here, give it here.

You've done it the wrong way round.

Give it here. Unclip the pole.

DOM:
Christ!

(WIND HOWLS)

PHIL:
Oh, this is awful

in almost every conceivable way.

DOM:
There are some, Phil,

who consider this character building.

Quite frankly, right now,

Sweden can lick my bridge.

- Lick your what?

- My bridge.

- Jesus Christ, the bridge.

- Oh, you mean the perineum.

- Yeah, the gooch. The bridge.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Argh!

- (THUD)

F***!

- Come on, let's get you up.

- Argh!

F***, sh*t!

All right, come on. Easy, easy.

- Come on, mate, you're all right.

- Up, up, up.

Yeah, all right, easy.

- Oh, f***.

- Walk about a bit on it.

- Argh!

- Give it a walk around.

That's it.

You're okay.

Argh! No, it's twisted. It's twisted.

- Can you put your full weight on it?

- Hurts like a son of a b*tch.

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