The Ritual Page #2

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You could probably walk it off,

couldn't you?

No, no, it's my meniscus.

I've done it before, it's f***ed.

We'll get him something to lean on.

Phil, can you get the rods, please?

What we thinking, Dom?

'Cause the trail goes right round

those mountains there,

and it's probably, what,

six hours till we camp?

Another eight round to the lodge.

What we thinking?

F*** me.

I'm not doing 14 hours on this.

Okay, man?

Let's get the map.

- Wanna try your phone as well?

- No, no need.

- Well, there's no reception anyway.

- Cheers, man.

Luke, my office.

What do you think?

I think we could be carrying him out

of here like

a f***ing Egyptian princess

- if we're not careful.

- Probably not as bad as he says it is.

Almost certainly not as bad

as he says it is,

but it's not gonna stop him moaning

the whole way back, is it?

There is another way out of this, man.

What?

Well, you saw it last night.

The lodge.

It's not that far as the crow flies.

Look, if we go south-west,

through here,

we cut the journey in half.

- What, through the forest?

- Yeah, why not?

Little off-trail hiking.

Could be exciting.

Might even do us some good.

We could be kicking back

by the evening time.

I think we need this.

Look, why don't me and you

leave them here with the food

and then we can go back,

get some help?

No f***ing way you're leaving us

on this f***ing mountain.

I can walk. All right?

If you know a quicker route,

let's do it.

(PANTING)

- How's the knee, Dom-Dom?

- Killing me. How's your mum?

Unnecessary, innit?

- Are there bears in this forest?

- Course there's f***ing bears.

Big bastards as well.

DOM:
Should have gone to Vegas.

PHIL:
You'd have found something

to fall over in Vegas, too.

DOM:
Yeah, a massive pile of tits.

Shithouse.

Everything in this bastard country

is a relic.

Strange place to park, innit?

My next door neighbour's

got one of those.

My eldest is absolutely

obsessed by it.

I got a hand job in one of those once,

at a festival.

Thanks, Phil. What a beautiful story.

- We sure this is a good idea?

- What's up? You scared of the woods?

DOM:
Now, is it me

or is it really quiet in here?

All right, don't sh*t your pants.

The trees soak up the sound.

That's what trees do.

DOM:
Hiking was easier yesterday.

LUKE:
We weren't

in the forest yesterday.

DOM:
No, we bloody weren't.

The sooner we get going,

the sooner we get to the town,

the sooner we get to the bar,

the sooner we get drunk.

The Swedes were big into logging,

until the 1950s.

- Then they decided to pack it in.

- That's interesting.

Which is why Sweden is

an untouched land of natural beauty

and Britain is a car park.

DOM:
If you love Sweden so much,

why don't you marry it?

Right, time out.

Dom, what did Gayle say

when you told her you were

going on a hiking holiday?

She said, "Who are you?

What have you done with my husband?"

Oh, here we go, photo op.

- Here we go.

- (CHUCKLES) Scott of the Antarctic.

- F***ing Amelia Earhart over there.

- Wallop.

Yes, that's it.

Let's get a selfie while we're here.

- DOM:
Selfie? Really?

- You too, Luke, come on.

- Let's preserve this magic moment.

- It's a beautiful thing.

Here we go.

Everyone get in.

One, two, three, and Brexit.

- (LENS CLICKS)

- Boom.

- Yes.

- Yeah, yeah, four twats in a forest.

Yeah.

(TWIGS SNAP)

My stomach is beginning to eat itself.

Yeah, I could do a steak.

Big fat, juicy steak.

One peppercorn sauce,

one hand-cooked chips.

Side salad. Nice tumbler of Scotch.

And a big fat cigar at the end.

PHIL:
Ah, man, I could go for some

sushi right now.

Yeah, some red wine instead of white.

Lashings of wasabi.

Big Mac, plastic tray, by myself,

no-one to talk to.

- Can I have a kebab, please, mate?

- Donner?

No, chicken shish, please.

Rob liked a donner. You remember that?

Yeah.

Every Saturday night at uni.

There he was, pissed,

covered in grease.

What the f***?

What the f*** is it?

(FLIES BUZZING)

- DOM:
Why is it ripped open?

- It's been gutted.

Yeah, but why hang it like that?

I mean, would someone do that?

Well, it didn't f***ing

put itself there, that's for sure.

- Could be hunters out here.

- What, bait?

Possibly.

Or it's the bit they don't show you

in the nature documentaries.

What could do that, though?

- A bear.

- Do bears do that?

I don't know, Dominic,

I'm not a f***ing bear expert.

- It's still bleeding.

- So?

So it means that whatever did that,

we should go. It's a fresh kill.

Yeah, we should go.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

(THUNDER CRASHING)

(THUNDER CRASHING)

DOM:
F***ing Jesus Christ!

- F***.

- (THUNDER CRASHING)

- Where the hell are we, Hutch?

- Let me check.

PHIL:
This is ridiculous, man.

- HUTCH:
We should pitch the tents.

- What?

We should pitch the tents!

So we're giving up

making it back to town tonight, then?

I don't see

we have much choice, Philip.

Guys.

- What is it? What is it?

- Look at this.

- Huh?

- Look.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

- HUTCH:
Well, how about that?

- PHIL:
What is that?

Is that a house?

- Come on.

- Thank Christ.

- DOM:
Hey, Hutch. Wait a minute!

- Come on!

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

- DOM:
Can you see anything?

- It looks empty!

DOM:
We should leave it alone, then.

- Let's kick it in.

- No f***ing way.

We need to get undercover, mate.

- Phil, give us a hand.

- All right, come on, then.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

We can't just break in.

We can't stay out here all night.

On three, yeah?

- One, two, three.

- (THUD)

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

(SHORT ROAR)

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

(SHORT SHRIEK)

- Luke, you're getting soaked.

- Did you hear that?

No, I didn't hear anything. Come on.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

This is clearly the house

we'll get murdered in.

HUTCH:
It's not as bad as

our uni accommodation.

That's the shape on the tree, I think.

Guys, this place is definitely

abandoned, yeah?

Abandoned? Who'd have moved in?

HUTCH:
Whoever it was,

they were packing. Look at that.

- I don't like this place.

- Not too keen on it myself, mate,

but it's a lesser-of-two-evils

kind of situation.

Hutch. I definitely

just heard something outside.

Well, maybe you did, Lukey.

We're not the only animals

in the woods.

Right, let's see

if we can get this stove working.

We'll need stuff to burn.

- PHIL:
Like what?

- HUTCH:
Anything made of wood'll do.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

PHIL:
We're gonna smash the place up,

are we?

- And what if the homeowners come back?

- F*** 'em.

Anyone who lives here

has more to worry

about than their table being on fire.

Might be some stuff to burn up there.

Go on, Phil, you're nearest.

- What?

- Go on.

- Do you want me to come with you?

- No.

(ALL CHUCKLING)

- (CHAIR SMASHES)

- HUTCH:
Wa-hey, that's it, lad!

(LAUGHTER)

D*ckheads.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

(DOOR CREAKS)

Guys, get the f*** up here right now!

What now?

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, my God.

What the f*** is that?

- That's witchcraft.

- Huh?

That's what that is,

that's witchcraft.

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