The Ritz

CARMINE:

Holy Mary, Mother of God...

...pray for us sinners now

and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

Hail Mary, full of grace,

the Lord is with thee.

Blessed art thou among women and...

Hail Mary, full of grace,

the Lord is with thee.

Blessed art thou.

Blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God,

pray for us sinners in our death.

Hail Mary, full of grace,

the Lord is with thee.

Blessed art thou among women.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with

thee. Blessed art thou among women...

[SPRAYS]

[WHISPERING INAUDIBLY]

I wanna go back to Cleveland.

PROCLO:
Your grandfather

is very sick, sweetheart.

Papa!

Viv, don't. Please, viv.

- Daddy.

- Yes, angel?

Who are all these people?

PROCLO:

Your relatives, sweetheart.

GILDA:

I don't like them.

[DOOR OPENS]

Carmine.

Vivian.

Vieni qua.

VIVIAN:

No!

Vivian.

VIVIAN:
Speak to us, Papa.

CARMINE:
Give us your blessing.

Vivian.

[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]

Oh, yes, Papa.

Get Proclo.

VIVIAN:

Get Proclo, Papa?

Yes, Papa. He's just outside.

I'll bring him in for your blessing.

Oh, Papa, he'll be so pleased.

He thought you hated him

all these years.

Oh, Papa.

[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]

- Carmine.

- Yes, Papa. I'm here, Papa.

Get Proclo.

Get Proclo, Papa?

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

Kill him. Kill the son of a b*tch.

Papa, he's my husband.

Get Proclo.

[COUGHING]

- Papa!

- Aah!

[PEOPLE SCREAMING

AND DoG BARKING]

Get Proclo?

[CHURCH BELLS CHIMING]

That's 219 coming up, 219.

BEN:
Good evening.

- Yeah.

BEN:
Nasty night.

- Is it?

I'm one big puddle.

Well, watch where you're dripping,

I just mopped.

Sorry. I'd like a room, please.

Sure you would.

So you can go drip in there.

Ten bucks.

You sign the registration.

- I'll check your valuables.

BEN:
I know.

You're dripping.

- What?

- I said, "You're dripping."

Well, of course I'm dripping.

It's pouring out there.

Well, try not to.

They don't like you dripping here.

Thank you.

See you.

- Hope not.

- That's 416, coming up.

- That is 416.

- Well, that's a good floor for that one.

Nobody ever goes up there.

Well, look who's back.

Hello, stranger.

Hello, Abe.

Oh, no.

- I thought you'd sworn off this place.

- Well, I thought I had too.

ABE:

You got homesick for us, right?

Didn't have much choice.

Been barred from the Atheneum.

ABE:
Come on. Nobody gets

barred from the Atheneum.

How did you manage that?

- Well, there was this man there...

- A fat man, right?

Fat?

He was the Magic Mountain.

He drove me into one of my frenzies.

I went berserk and kicked his door open.

So they threw me out,

told me never to come back.

I was willing to pay for it.

I just wanted to talk. You know how I am.

- Hey, you wanna check that?

- Oh, no, no. That's my costume.

I'm entered in a talent contest tonight.

It's good to be back, Abe.

I feel strangely optimistic

about this evening.

- Yeah, well, don't kick any doors in.

- I hope I don't have to.

Driver, I left my money.

Will you wait? I'll be right back.

320 coming up. That is 320.

- I'd...

- Good evening, I wonder...

There's a line, buddy.

CHUCK:
There's a line.

- Surely.

I'd prefer something on 3.

Did they ever put you on 4?

It's Siberia up there.

Thank you.

That's 421 coming up. That is 421.

Hey, can you...? Could...? Could...?

Could you...?

Can you cash a check for me?

It's on ohio State National.

What do I look like, a teller?

You don't understand.

I got a cab waiting. I'll be back.

I am planning to come here.

That's why I got a cab to go

somewhere and stay. I've come, see?

ABE:

You got a credit card?

PROCLO:
Right here, yeah.

- I can take that.

Yeah, well, he can't.

[HoRN HoNKING]

You hear that? That's him.

Look, I got all the identification

in the world.

Blue Cross, Rotary Club,

driver's license.

Here. Here's my business card.

"Proclo Sanitation Services,

Gaetano Proclo, president."

That's me.

- I'm sorry.

PROCLO:
Oh, come on.

Do I look like someone

who would try to pass a bad check?

Yeah.

Yeah, of course I do.

Now can you see me?

Everything else is real.

Who are you running from?

My maniac brother-in-law who's gonna

kill me tonight if he can find me.

You're looking at a potential dead man.

I'm begging you.

It's a matter of life and death.

CHRIS:

Hey, all right.

- Does anybody have a cab waiting?

PROCLO:
What?

- Is that your cab out there?

PROCLO:
Yeah.

You've also got

one very pissed off driver.

PROCLO:

How pissed off is he?

On a 10 scale, 10.

Darn it.

Please!

Well, I really shouldn't

be doing this, but...

- You're a good man...?

- Abe.

Abe.

Abe, I'm gonna have a novena said

for you when I get back to Cleveland.

- What's your last name? Abe what?

- Leftkowitz.

I'll still have a novena said for you

when I get back.

Thank you. Excuse me.

[HoRN HoNKING]

I had a novena said for me once.

- I asked to wake up gorgeous.

ABE:
So, what happened?

Well, look at me.

[CHUCKLING]

- Hey, Chris, you wanna sign in?

- You bet I will.

- How is that gorgeous son of yours?

- You're too late, he's getting married.

- Terrific. You give him my love, will you?

- Sure thing.

- He need someone to practice with?

- He's been practicing.

- That's why he has to get married.

- Yeah.

Well, compared to me, Abe,

she would have to be an amateur.

Ronald Reagan? Oh, come on, Chris.

Oh, you know he used to be lovers

with John wayne.

ABE:

Sure he did.

Right after he broke up

with Xavier Cugat.

People like you think the world

is queer.

Well, it's lucky for people like you it is.

[CAB DRIvER LAUGHING]

All right.

CAB DRIvER:

Change a 10.

He can't change a 10. Do you believe it?

New York City, one of the great cities of the

world. This driver I have can't change a 10.

Hey, did I ever have you?

- What?

- I've got a rotten memory that way.

- You never used to live in Rego Park?

- No.

CHRIS:
You look like someone

I knew from Rego Park.

PROCLO:
I'm afraid not.

CHRIS:
He was a large man like you.

He was in ladies shoes, I remember.

Well, I'm from Cleveland

and I'm in refuse. Excuse me.

CHRIS:

I guess not, then. Sorry.

PROCLO:

Perfectly all right.

A gay garbage man?

You never can tell.

That's so true. I mean, look at me.

If you just saw me walking down the street

you'd think I was a queen.

[WHISTLE BLowlNG]

Try to hold out, men. Help is on the way!

340 coming up. That is 340.

She's here, boys.

[IN HIGH volCE]

I'd like a room, please.

One of your private rooms.

How much is that?

ABE:
You want what?

- A room.

- I was told you had private rooms?

- Yeah, we got rooms.

Well, then I'd like one, sir.

How much is that?

How long?

- Is what?

- How long do you want the room for?

Three or four hours should be sufficient

for my purposes.

I don't care what your purposes are.

Twelve is our minimum.

- All right, 12 then, sir.

- All right, that's 10 bucks.

You check your valuables

and sign the register.

Tell me something.

Has a...

Balding, middle-aged, fat man

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