The Ritz Page #2

come in here recently?

I don't believe

what just came in here recently.

You're not a cop, are you?

I'm a detective.

Michael Brick, the Greybar Agency.

What do I do now?

Through there and up the stairs.

- Someone will show you your room.

- Thank you, sir.

- And let me give you a little tip, Brick.

- Yes, sir?

Stay out of the steam room.

- Why, sir?

- It gets pretty wild in there.

Oh, I can take it, sir.

In my line of work,

I get to do a lot of wild things.

This is my first seduction job.

- Wish me luck.

- With that voice you gonna need it.

Save your money. Ten bucks for this place

is 10 bucks for nothing.

[CHATTERING IN SPANISH]

No rain, he tells me.

No rain, he says.

No rain.

F***ing weatherman.

That little maricn.

One spot on this dress and I am finished.

The biggest night of my life,

it's pissing dogs and cats.

That's cats and dogs.

Are you a producer?

No.

Are you sure?

- Yes.

- Oh.

That's okay. You never know, huh?

[SCREAMS THEN

CHATTERING IN SPANISH]

My hair. Not my hairs.

All right. Go ahead, say it.

No, it's okay, I can take it.

Tell me I look like sh*t.

Why would I say something like that

to such an attractive young lady?

You boys really know how to cheer up a girl

when she's down in the dump.

My boyfriend Hector see me do that,

he killed you with a knife this big.

He hates maricnes, that Hector.

It's okay.

He's a ball-breaker with me too, mister.

But I'm going to show them, chico.

And tonight is the night

I'm going to do it.

I heard on the grapevine...

...there's going to be a big producer

out in the front...

...watching your show tonight. Unquote.

Some day you're going to see

the name of Googie Gomez in lights.

And you are gonna say to yourself:

"Was that her?"

And then you gonna answer to yourself:

"That was her."

But you know something, mister?

I was always her, just nobody knows it.

- Who the hell was that?

- Googie.

- I thought this is a bathhouse.

ABE:
It is.

- No, I mean, a male bathhouse.

- It is.

- What she doing in here?

- Googie sings in The Pits.

The pits? What pits?

- The nightclub.

- You got a nightclub in there?

We got nightclub, movies, swimming

pool, steam room, massage table...

...discothque, bridge, amateur night

and free blood tests every wednesday.

ABE:

How did it go today, Mo?

Eh.

[SIGHS]

Oh, boy. I don't wanna

even think what she does.

Mo is just our accountant.

When I couldn't get a plane,

I told the cab...

...to bring me to the last place

Carmine would look for me.

You found it.

Now, you put your valuables in there.

- And you sign the book.

- Thank you.

Except everybody in the world's

already in there.

- I need calm, safety, privacy tonight.

ABE:
All right.

Keep your door locked

and stay in your room.

Don't worry, I will.

"Ronald Reagan"?

ABE:
You can write John Doe for all I care.

- Any name at all?

Abe, I'm gonna talk to the pope

about getting you canonized.

"Carmine vespucci."

Bensonhurst...

"...Brooklyn."

Who's that?

My maniac brother-in-law.

He was gonna kill me tonight.

- What did you do?

- I got born and married his sister.

Listen, do you mind

if I ask you a personal question?

The man who save my life

can ask me anything at all.

- You ever been in a place like this?

- Oh, sure.

We got a Jack De Lane's in Cleveland.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

ABE [o vER P.A.]: 210 coming up.

That's 210. Tiger, make sure it's c/ean.

Hey, where's room 210?

- It's up there.

- Thank you.

[GASPING]

Hello there.

Hello.

What seems to be the trouble?

Well, I'm looking for room 210.

Oh, well,

you just come right along with me.

Thank you very much.

It's there.

There will be an orgy beginning

in room 340 in exactly four minutes.

Orgy in 340, four minutes.

I couldn't resist

taking this panettone back with me.

I just love panettone

and you can't get this brand in Cleveland.

Do you like panettone?

- It's right here.

- Oh, thank you.

Uh...

Uh...

This doesn't look like room 210.

See, there are clothes here.

You'll never guess what I made for dinner

so I'm going to tell you.

- I beg your pardon?

- A nice, rich, ground-pork meatloaf...

...with mozzarella cheese center, gobs

of mashed potatoes swimming in gravy...

...carrots floating in butter and for a salad,

avocado chunks with Roquefort dressing.

Could you just die?

I could just...

- I don't know what I could...

- Then, Dutch chocolate cake...

...with big scoops of mocha walnut

ice cream...

...and a fudge malted.

- It sounds delicious.

- You could have been there.

- I was in Brooklyn.

- Lf you'll excuse me.

- Oh, wait, wait, wait.

How about an clair?

Some homemade brownies? I know.

- A corned beef on rye with a nice dill pickle.

- No, really, I'm not hungry.

[CLAUDE SQUEALS]

How much do you weigh?

- What?

- What is your weight?

- Two-ten, 220?

- Two-twenty.

Two-twenty.

Jellyroll baby.

- You're my jellyroll man.

- I think there's some confusion here.

Jellyroll cupcake,

I'm your jellyroll fan.

In fact, I know

there is some confusion here.

Stop. You're hurting me.

I'm hurting you?

Help. Help. Help.

[CLAUDE SQUEALING]

All right, fat man,

leave the little guy alone.

Come. Aren't you supposed to be

in 210?

You get up there

and don't cause any more trouble.

What do you think this is,

the YMCA?

Listen, I'm sorry. It won't happen again.

Oh.

Well, I certainly hope not.

Hello.

Boy, I had

quite a little experience in there.

That guy's got quite a problem.

People like that shouldn't be allowed

in a place like this, you know.

My, what unusual pants.

They look like cowboy chaps.

They are cowboy chaps.

Yeah, I was just thinking

I thought they looked like cowboy chaps.

Well, if you gentlemen will excuse me,

I'd like to get out of these clothes.

Goodbye, it was nice talking to you.

[CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

BRICK:

Hello.

Mr. Vespucci?

My name is Michael Brick.

I'm with the Greybar Detective Agency.

You hired my partner

a couple of hours ago...

...to get something

on a Mr. Gaetano Proclo tonight.

Only my partner's sick,

so I'm taking over for him.

Now, I believe you said

we'd find him at the Ritz.

I just got here.

Now, what exactly did you want me

to get on him, sir?

All I need is a room number

with you and him in it.

That sounds easy enough, sir.

Let me see if I've got his description right.

A balding, middle-aged fat man.

That's not much to go on, Mr. Vespucci.

But I'll do my best.

One of those transvestites is standing

right next to me. I'll have to...

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

I can't talk now.

I think he's surrounding me

for unnatural things.

Hey, chico, I was just going talk to you.

Hello, boys. Is he here yet?

- Who?

- Who?

What did you mean who?

There is only one "who" I'm interested

in you telling me about.

Listen, Tiger, you told me there was

going to be a big producer here tonight.

I dress special. I do the hairs special.

- Lf you are lying to me, Tiger...

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