The Ritz Page #3

- Hey, can't you take a little joke?

My career is no joke.

- Nobody's career is never no joke.

- We were just trying to build you up.

Listen, I tell you something,

and I mean this.

You ever hear of instant laryngitis?

No producer be out there tonight.

That's what I got.

Instant laryngitis. And you and Duff

are going to do the show alone.

Those are my words.

They come from the heart.

And I am now officially sick.

Come on, Tiger. Showtime.

- What do you mean?

- Googie's Mr. Big Producer just checked in.

- He's gonna be sitting poolside.

- Well, how we gonna manage that?

We're not. But with a little help

from our friend here... Are you 210?

- Yeah, something like that.

- No, I meant your room.

- Oh, so did I.

- It's right this way.

- Follow us.

- Thank you.

Boy, this place is like a Chinese maze.

Just try to stay out of 105 from here on,

all right?

What's in 105?

That's the room I had to pull you out of.

You could hurt somebody doing that.

Wait a minute, I thought that guy

was taking me to my room.

You don't think I went in

because I wanted to?

You trying to tell us

he's a chubby chaser?

A chubby what?

You know. It's somebody who likes...

- You mean, like me?

- You're right up his alley.

I knew a guy like that once.

I didn't know what to call him.

"Get-Away-From-Me Claude"

was all I could come up with.

Chubby chaser. Hey, that's pretty funny.

Unless you happen to be the chubby

they're chasing.

Thanks for the tip.

- Now if you need anything, Mr...?

- Vespucci. Carmine vespucci.

DUFF:
I'm Duff, he's Tiger.

TIGER:
You just holler.

Not so fast. What about slippers?

- Slippers?

- Slippers.

Well, where do you think you are,

New York Athletic Club? Slippers.

Boy, you could catch athlete's foot

in a place like this.

You're lucky if that's all you catch.

Seclusion.

A little simple seclusion.

Is that asking too much, God?

ABE [OVER P.A.]:
All guest are

requested to shower before entering the poo/.

That's not us, men, it's a city ordinance.

PROCLO:
Yeah?

- Are you there?

PROCLO:

Who is it?

Room service.

PROCLO:

Who?

- Go away.

CLAUDE:
I've got a box of Hershey bars.

PROCLO:

I said, go away. Ow!

CLAUDE:

Peter Paul Mounds, Milky ways.

PROCLO:

Go away.

I can make you very happy.

PROCLO:
I know what you are now.

You're a chubby chaser.

- I know.

PROCLO:
Stop it.

- How?

- I don't know.

Are you still there?

CLAUDE [SINGING]:

Love, your magic spell lis everywhere

Someday he'll come along

The man I love

Along came...

who? Who? Then along came who?

Vespucci?

[SINGING]

Vespucci

I just met a boy named vespucci

PROCLO:

Okay.

- And suddenly that name, yeah

PROCLO:
All right. You win.

- Will never be...

PROCLO:
You win, mister.

What?

PROCLO:

What's your room number?

- 105.

- 105. All right, you go...

You go down to 105

and I'll be right there.

CLAUDE:
Do you promise?

- On my mother's grave.

Get away from the door. If you're still there

when I come out the whole deal is off.

Yeah, and if you're not down

in my room in five minutes...

...then I'm gonna come up here

and break your knees.

Don't push your luck...

...with Claude Perkins.

[MoUTHING]

Claude Perkins?

No.

No, it can't be the same one.

No, he's dead. He has to be dead.

Claude Perkins.

That's all I need now.

No.

Oh, no.

Oh, please, open up. Oh!

[DooR RATTLING]

Hey, boy, you with the key. Boy.

[IN HIGH volCE]

Hey, you boy, you with the key.

Oh, boy. You with...

[SQUEALS]

[CLEARS THRo AT]

My throat, I'm sorry.

Too many cigarettes, you know.

I hear the Knicks tied it up

in the last quarter.

Crisco.

What?

Crisco oil party.

Crisco oil party?

Room 419. Pass it on.

Pass what on?

- Bring Joey.

- Who's Joey?

You know Joey.

Don't bring Chuck.

You got that?

Crisco oil party.

Room 419.

I can bring Joey but not Chuck.

Check.

What's the matter with Chuck?

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Chuck is definitely out.

Hey, you won't be disappointed.

PROCLO:

Okay, wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Be calm.

Stay natural. Don't get hysterical.

It's just...

Haven't you ever heard

anyone talk to himself before?

CHUCK:

All the time in this place.

Hey, is your name Joey?

CHUCK:
It's Chuck.

- Stay away from me!

[KNOCKING]

- Excuse me.

- I'm resting.

- May I come in?

- No. No, I said, I'm resting.

- Oh, I'm looking for someone.

- No, no. I told you, I'm resting.

- That's okay, I just wanted to ask you...

- Hey.

What do you need,

a brick wall to fall on your head?

Resting.

It's a euphemism

for not interested, skinny.

[HUMMING]

MAN [ON TAPE RECORDER]:

Oh, I couldn't. Are you...? No.

[MAN STAMMERING]

Yes, yes, yes. Oh, yes.

Oh, yes, yes. Oh, God, yeah.

[MAN GRUNTING]

Cigarette?

[TAPE RECORDER WHIRS]

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING

ON TAPE RECORDER]

Telephone call for Joe Namath

in room 340.

That's long distance

for Mr. Joe Namath, 340.

There, you see,

I knew I wasn't a crazy person.

I mean, Joe Namath.

There's no way that the man...

...who led the Jets to so many

victories could be a... You know.

"Mr. Namath,

I wonder if I might have an autograph."

It's not for me,

it's for my 10-year-old Gilda.

"She's a big fan of yours,

Mr. Namath, and I wondered if..."

"Mr. Namath, excuse me,

I wonder if we might have an autograph.

It's not for me, it's for my..."

Mr. Namath?

[CHUCKLES]

You're not Joe Namath.

Neither are you.

- I thought you were Joe Namath.

- Oh, it's the lighting.

- I was praying you were Joe Namath.

- I don't blame you.

- I mean, you just had to be him.

- Are you eating your heart out, honey?

I don't know what I'm doing.

Join the club.

It's like some strange heterosexual

gypsy curse was put on this place.

- How's the orgy room?

- I haven't...

- The steam room?

- No. No.

Well, no wonder you haven't made out.

- That's my son you've got in there.

MAN:
Buzz off.

One mark on that boy's body, wanda,

and I'm calling the police.

I tried. Come on, I'll show you around.

No, thanks,

I was on my way to my room.

Come on.

Hey, I don't do this sort of thing

for just everybody. I'm an expert guide.

- Hey, there's something I better tell you.

- Sweetheart, relax.

You are not my type.

I just wanna help you find yours.

Hello.

We said hello.

[KNUCKLES CRACKING]

Margaret Dumont.

We thought you were dead.

There's a reason some of us

don't ride the subway.

I'm looking right at it.

Is that supposed to mean me?

Screw you, honey.

If there's one thing I can't stand...

...it's a queen without a sense of humor.

Die with your secret.

Miserable piss-elegant fairy.

Dusty. What are you having?

Hey, look.

There's something I wanna tell you.

I'm afraid...

Look, I'm afraid I'm not...

BARTENDER:

There you go, Chris.

- You're not gay?

- No.

CHRIS:
What are you,

a social worker or something?

Hey, wait a minute.

You mean to tell me

that everybody here is... Is...

Gay!

It's not such a tough word,

you might try using it sometime.

- Nobody the opposite?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes