The Ritz Page #4

- I sure as hell hope not.

I didn't pay 10 bucks

to walk around with Shriners.

Sorry. I didn't know what I was getting

into when I came here tonight.

I am scared. I'm troubled.

I'm confused. I'm sorry.

Hey, that's okay.

You're gonna think I'm crazy,

but my brother-in-law is planning to kill me.

- Man, are you putting me on?

- Boy, I wish I were.

- You picked a gay baths to hide out in?

- I didn't.

I told the cab driver to bring me to the last

place anybody would look for me.

- Don't worry, you found it.

- Sure. Yeah.

And now I got

a chubby chaser after me.

Why don't you just go to your room

and try to get some sleep?

Sleep?

Yeah, strange as it may seem,

no one is going to attack you.

Someone already has.

Beginner's luck.

Now, if you will excuse me, darling,

I'm gonna try my luck in there.

And us B girls work better solo. See you.

[IN HIGH volCE] Hello, everybody,

my name is June. What's yours?

MAN:

Hi.

BRICK:

Hello.

Mr. Vespucci.

Michael Brick.

It's hard getting the goods

on someone you've never seen.

No.

No one fits your description.

TIGER [wHISPERS]:

That's him.

If you need me, I'm in room 201.

TIGER:

Mr. Vespucci, the producer.

He's here again.

That transvestite.

[WHISPERS]

He?

GOOGIE:

Cuckoo.

Duff and Tiger told me

who you are, Mr. Vespucci.

Yeah, well, I wish they had told me

what you are.

I got a little laryngitis

but the show must go on, no?

- No.

- Why not?

I don't know.

I knew there was something funny

about that Gomez woman.

She's not a woman.

When I grow another head's

when I'm leaving.

Vespucci. Vespucci.

I waited downstairs. You promised

that you were gonna come. I waited.

Vespucci, are you coming?

Vespucci, are you coming out?

Vespucci, you...

vespucci, vespucci, vespucci, you...

I waited downstairs. You didn't...

I was waiting downstairs, right down...

Excuse me. I went...

[PROCLO GASPING]

Hey, hey, hey. Oh, vespucci, vespucci...

[CRYING]

It is the same Claude Perkins.

We were in the Army together.

I thought he was dead. Why can't

he be dead? It would be nice dead.

I don't like to bug producers

just before they catch your act...

...so I just want to tell you one thing.

In my second number,

"Shine on Harvest Moon"...

...the orchestra and me

sometimes get into different keys.

But if you know, it won't matter.

Other than that, the act is fabulous

and I just know you're going to love it.

CLAUDE:
Vespucci.

- Yes. I'm sure it is.

You are too guapo to be a producer.

Guapo?

Handsome.

Who, me?

Oh, come on, I'm ugly, I'm very ugly.

Ah, with a face like that,

you could have been an actor.

You still could, it's never too late.

Look at Catrina valente, vicki Carr.

- Yeah, but they're real women.

GOOGIE:
Oh, no.

PROCLO:

They're not?

Plastic Puerto Ricans.

I am the real thing.

You are the real thing

and I knew you were in show business.

- Me?

- Oh, I knew I'd seen you someplace.

I was in the Cleveland Little Theater

Masque and Mummer's...

...spring production

of Sound Of Music...

...but I wouldn't call that show business.

- Oh, yes? What part?

It was really more of a walk-on.

GOOGIE:

I was in that show.

PROCLO:
You were in The Sound of Music?

GOOGIE:
Oh, sure.

Where was this?

Broadway. The mainstream, where else?

- The original cast?

- Oh!

I was more original

than anyone else in it.

They fired me the first day of rehearsal,

those bastards.

They said I wasn't right for the part.

What part was that?

Oh, one of those f***ing Trapp kids.

But you know what

the real reason was, mister?

They found out what you really were.

No.

Seymour Pippin.

Who?

Oh, sh*t.

Seymour Pippin.

He was the company manager.

If there is one man that I was born to kill

with my own two hands...

...it's Seymour Pippin.

But I fix them.

I picket that show until they was crazy.

I picket. I picket. I picket.

I picket that show every night

until I got a part in Camelot.

[STEAM HISSING]

- You were in Camelot too?

- Oh, sure.

Oh, boy. That's a wonderful show.

It's a piece of sh*t.

- They fired you from that one too, huh?

- Sure, they fire me.

What did you expect? Thanks to Seymour

Pippin, I get fired from everything.

- I can't imagine why.

- Oh, yeah?

You see this face? It's a curse.

All right. Come on, keep away from me.

GOOGIE:
Don't fight it.

- Believe me, you won't be happy.

I won't be happy.

You're making a big mistake.

- I am suddenly all woman.

- No, you're not.

- You're someone with a lot of problems.

- Aye, make me feel like a real woman.

That's not my department.

That's out of my hands.

GOOGIE:
Kiss me.

- Come on.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Oh, sh*t.

TIGER:
Let's go, Googie, we're on.

DUFF:
F***.

GOOGIE:

Come on, my Mr. Big Producer.

You're going to love my show.

I got you the best seat. I seat you ringside.

- We save the hanky-pank for later, huh?

- Hanky-pank, what?

Googie is going

to straighten you out between shows.

- Oh, what room are you in?

- 210. I mean, 201.

- One.

- I be there, chico.

Thanks a million for helping us out

like this, Mr. Vespucci.

[DISCO MUSIC PLAYING]

Wanna dance?

- What?

- Dance.

PROCLO:
Dance?

- Forget it.

If I ever get my hands on the cab driver

that brought me here, he's finished.

Is this taken?

MAN:

No.

CARMINE:

Stay here. Don't let nobody in.

[DISCO MUSIC PLAYING]

MAN:

And now, on the great Ritz stage...

...direct from her bus-and-truck tour

with Fiddler On The Roof...

...the sensational Googie Gomez

with Duff and Tiger...

...those amazing, now-you-see-it,

now-you-don't, golden go-go boys.

Here's Duff.

[RIM SHoT]

Here's Tiger.

[RIM SHOT]

And here's Googie.

[BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYING]

[SINGING]

[APPLAUSE]

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

And now...

...I would like you to meet

someone very special to me.

A man who... what can I say?

If I say it in Spanish

you won't understand me.

Ladies and gentlemen,

one of the all-time great producers...

...Mr. Carmine vespucci.

[APPLAUSE]

GOOGIE:

And now, a salute to Cole Porter.

[SINGING]

ABE [o vER P.A.]:

We have an urgent telephone call...

... for somebody called Wally

at the front office.

That's all they said,

someone called Wally.

Jesus Christ.

Good evening.

Huh?

I said, good evening.

Well, just watch your step, Mac.

Well, I just said good evening.

CARMINE:

Are you in there, Brick?

It's vespucci. Don't open.

I don't want anyone to see.

If you can hear me, knock once.

If you can't, knock twice.

BRICK:

"Knock once."

CARMINE:

Are you there, Brick?

[KNOCKS ONCE]

Good, our signals are working.

Now listen to me.

Have you seen that balding, fat slob

brother-in-law of mine yet?

[KNOCKS TWlCE]

What does that mean, no?

[KNOCKS ONCE]

Okay, I think I read you.

Now...

...I know he's around here somewhere.

What I don't know is how you could miss

him. He's a house. Wait a minute.

Somebody's coming.

Forget it.

Listen, Brick. None of these fruits tried

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