The Ritz Page #5

to pull anything with you, did they?

[KNOCKS ONCE]

Oh, my God.

I'll make it up to you.

Meet me in room 224 in 15 minutes.

Knock three times. Got that?

[KNOCKS THREE TIMES]

Not now, stupid, then.

You don't have to worry

about him leaving this place.

Leaving in one piece, I mean.

I got all my men waiting for him.

Ain't that great, Brick, huh?

[KNOCKS ONCE]

I knew you'd like that.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

MAN:

Stay with us. There she goes.

Yeah.

CLAUDE:

Vespucci.

- Vespucci.

- Aah!

Wait, vespucci, wait a minute.

Hold on. Hold on. Wait.

PROCLO:

Go away.

Go away. Get off.

[CLATTERING]

Leave me alone.

[CLAUDE AND

PROCLO GRUNTING]

[GOOGIE SQUEALING]

[GIGGLING]

[GOOGIE SCREAMS]

TIGER:

Sorry, Googie.

[APPLAUSE]

[SHOUTING IN SPANISH]

This way... vespucci.

Where is this skinny little man

who ruined my act?

I kill him.

[CHATTERING IN SPANISH]

CLAUDE:

Vespucci.

Vespucci.

Vespucci.

[CLAUDE LAUGHING]

TIGER:
Googie, wait.

You can't go in there.

You think I don't know

what goes on in this place?

All of you men going:

"Hee, hee, hee!

Poo, poo, poo! Ha, ha, ha!"

TIGER:

Googie, no.

[GOOGIE SHOUTING IN SPANISH]

MAN:

Ow!

[CLAUDE SCREAMING]

CLAUDE:
You could use

a good psychiatrist, mister.

- What did you call me?

- He didn't mean it.

Tell her you're sorry.

CLAUDE:
I haven't seen such tacky

drag since the Princeton varsity show.

- Tacky drag?

CLAUDE:
Thirty years ago, Sonny boy.

[SCREAMING IN SPANISH]

[CLAUDE GRUNTING]

I'm going straight.

Were you in there for all that?

You don't wanna talk about it?

- Why are you wearing your clothes?

PROCLO:
I'm going to Central Park.

CHRIS:
For somebody who's

never been in a place like this...

...you're certainly getting around.

[WHIRRING]

CHRIS:
I thought you were

gonna stay in your room.

PROCLO:

I can't.

Tiger and Duff told Googie

I was Carmine vespucci.

Claude thinks I'm Carmine vespucci.

Everybody thinks I'm Carmine vespucci.

CHRIS:
Who are you?

PROCLO:
Carmine vespucci.

BRICK:

Are you Mr. Carmine vespucci, sir?

Hello, kid, you got a light?

Are you him, Mr. Vespucci?

- Say yes. Say yes.

- Yes.

I'm Michael Brick.

My room's right up there.

I'm Chris.

My room is right up there too.

BRICK:

Hi, Chris, how are you?

[CHRIS CHUCKLES]

[PHONE RINGS]

[SCREAMS]

Now.

This is what I thought we'd do.

Get under the bed.

- Another one.

- All right, stay there. Stay there.

Now, we pretend that you're him

and I'm me...

...and the real you is under the bed.

Only this one's the worst.

Sit down, Mr. Vespucci.

Now, get the picture.

The lights are low.

He's moving down the hallway...

...when finally he sees me.

I'm leaning against the door.

I put one knee up.

I flex.

I've caught his eye.

I wink.

I kind of beckon with my head.

And finally, I speak.

See something you like, buddy?

I'm resting.

That's the tough-guy approach.

Is that your real voice?

- Why? Does it bother you?

- No. No. No.

- Some people find it very irritating.

- I can't image why.

Me either.

Of course, I'm used to it.

I've had it ever since I was a kid.

I mean, I grew up and matured.

Only, my voice didn't.

- Where was I?

- The tough-guy approach.

- Oh! And then...

- I'm having a nightmare.

- This is where you jump out.

You see, I'm not queer.

Boy, you could have fooled me.

BRICK:
So you're gonna have to help me

find your brother-in-law, Mr. Vespucci.

What? My brother-in-law?

I can't find anyone

who fits Mr. Proclo's description.

- Who are you?

- Michael Brick.

- What are you?

- A detective.

[ALARM BUZZING]

Quick, it's time. Get under the bed.

For what?

BRICK:
I left a note by

the Coke machine saying:

"Any middle-aged, fat, balding man

whose initials are G. P...

...interested in a good time,

should meet me here at midnight sharp."

Just leave everything to me.

I'm right on top of you.

I can't tell you how comforting that is.

ABE [o vER P.A.]:

Anyone interested in forming...

...a Ritz softball team, contact Howard.

MAN:
I'm resting.

[KNOCKS]

CARMINE:

I said knock three times.

Oh, he's being masterful

with me already, the brute.

CARMINE:
That's more like it.

- I think I'm in love. Hi.

[CHRIS GRUNTS

THEN CLATTERING]

Ow.

CARMINE:

Hey, let me get a look at you.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm no judge of fruit bait,

but you'll do.

Oh, let's just cool it, sweetheart.

This is not the Meat Rack, huh?

You can can the fag act with me, Brick.

Now listen, I think I've come up

with something.

This sounds like the oldest stunt

in the book...

...but I'm gonna hide under your bed.

On the contrary, that's a first for me.

You never tried

the under-the-bed technique?

Well, not till recently.

- What kind of a detective are you?

- Now, that's a good question, honey.

Can it, Brick. Just can it.

One thing I don't like is a wise guy.

The only thing I don't like more

is a queer wise guy.

I'm calling the shots now,

and I'm getting under your bed.

- Uh, where am I supposed to be?

- On top of it, stupid.

Oh, that sounds fabulous. What then?

You know.

Do what you have to do.

- What's that?

- How should I know?

Wiggle your fanny.

Shake your towel in his face.

- Whose face?

- My brother-in-law's, you dummy.

The guy I hired you to catch.

Then I pop out, catching you both

in the act of fragrant delicto...

...and, wham, we got him.

- Your brother-in-law.

Who else?

Jesus, you're like talking to a yo-yo.

- Dumb and dizzy, that's me, darling.

- Jesus!

Listen, that's just a little more

of that gay humor.

All right, all right, all right.

Now...

...you go back to 201.

Hey, wait a minute.

- No. Not yet.

- No.

When you get there...

...you whistle like this:

[WHISTLES]

I hightail it to your room,

slide under...

...and we're in business, got that?

- Check.

- It's about time.

- Only I can't whistle.

Goddamn it, you can't whistle either?

I thought all d*cks could whistle.

Just "Stormy weather."

Look, I tell you what, Mr...

- vespucci. Carmine vespucci.

- Carmine vespu...

only don't call me that.

He might hear us.

- I need a code name.

- Evelyn.

[SIGHS]

No, I don't like Evelyn.

It sounds...

...effeminate.

How about Bunny?

Bunny's good.

Bunny, you get under this bed.

That way, I won't have to whistle...

...and you won't have to hightail it

to 201.

Hey, maybe you're not so dumb

after all, Brick.

Hey, hey, hey.

I'll tell you...

I'll tell you one thing,

with Papa gone now...

Papa!

[CRYING]

I ain't sharing no vespucci Sanitation

Services and Enterprises Inc. With no fairy.

- Your brother-in-law's a fairy?

- He's gonna be.

- What are you gonna do?

- Kill him.

Oh, good.

You know what a delitto di passione is,

Brick?

It's a crime of passion.

An enraged brother...

...catching his dear, sweet sister's

balding, fat, slob husband...

...in an unnatural act with one of

these fruitcakes from around here.

[LAUGHING]

There ain't no court in the country

that would convict.

Twenty years I waited

for this night, Brick.

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