The Ritz Page #6

You're looking at a man

of great and terrible passions.

- Well, I can see that, Bunny.

CARMINE:
What happened?

That's how you do it around here.

Now get under this bed.

CARMINE:
Yeah.

- Yeah, go ahead. Get under the bed.

I'll leave this door open,

you see, so he can come in.

Go ahead. I'll be right up here on top.

- Now, shh. Don't say another word now.

CARMINE:
Right.

ABE [OVER P.A.]:
Tonight's

double feature in our mini cinema...

... is All About Eve

and A Star Is Born.

Hey, you know any good stories?

- As a matter of fact, I do, sir.

- Skip it.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

That must be him.

Hold your horses, stud.

It's open.

Oh.

BRICK:

See something you like, buddy?

You've gotta be kidding.

False alarm, Mr. Vespucci.

CHRIS:
Where is your friend?

- He's under the bed.

Why not? Everybody else is.

I always wondered

what you straight guys did together.

Oh, now that I know,

I'm so glad I'm gay.

Oh, yeah, that brother-in-law

of yours, that maniac?

- Yeah. He's just down the hall.

- What?

- And he's got a gun.

- What?

Now he's after you, Mr. Vespucci.

You didn't mention anything

about a gun.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

CHRIS:

That's him.

- I'm scared.

- You're scared? Move over.

- No room.

- I can fit.

- I was here first.

- It's my brother-in-law.

- It's my ass.

PROCLO:

Answer the door.

- Where you going?

- It's not him.

- Who is it?

- It's that transvestite again.

What are you talking about?

Oh, hello.

- Who's there?

GOOGIE:
I know you're in there, chico.

- Now, look.

- Shh!

Don't speak. Don't say nothing.

Say one word,

then Googie is out on her ass.

She is breaking every book

in the rule doing this.

Do you know why

you don't like women?

Because you never try it, that's all.

Or maybe you try it and that's why.

She was a bad woman.

Forget her. Believe me, chico.

It don't hurt. It's nice.

You just lay back there,

and Googie is going to show you how nice.

- Look, I'd like to help you out...

- All right, all right. Shh.

Think...

...of a tropical night.

Think...

...of a beach.

What "b*tch"?

The moon is shining on the sea.

And in the distance, over the waves,

you hear music.

[SINGING]

[GOOGIE, CHRIS

AND BRICK SINGING]

This is not gonna work, Mr. Googie.

- Mr. Googie?

- There's just no way.

Mr. Googie?

You thought I was a drag queen?

No such luck, chico.

You mean to tell me

that you're really a miss?

This is all real.

Yeah, they feel real.

I just hope I'm going to find me

some huevitos.

- What are huevitos?

- These.

- Oh!

- Aye!

- Oh, chico.

- Oh, no.

They're real too.

I know we're going to make such

whoopee together, chico.

- No, there's one thing wrong.

- Yes.

My brother-in-law's out to kill

and somebody's under this bed.

Oh, no, you don't. I'm not falling

for that old hat-and-dance routine.

You're not pulling no wool

over my ears so easy.

I swear to God there is.

- Never try to sh*t an old pro, chico.

BRICK:
He's not.

There is someone

under this bed.

Us. If you wanna bounce around up there,

I'll gladly go back to my own room.

That is a rotten stunt, mister.

I could lose my job for this.

I throw the whole wind

into the caution to come here.

- Look, I can explain every...

- I don't need no explain.

You would rather make:

Hee, hee, hee, poo,

poo, poo, ha, ha, ha...

...with that maricn you

got hiding under the bed.

- Two maricns, Googie.

- Who's that down there?

CHRIS:

It's me, Chris.

Oh, hi, Chris.

What are you doing down there?

- I wish I knew.

- You lose something?

BRICK:

See, the reason we're under this bed...

You. Not only do you got a fat boyfriend,

you maricn hump, you got a mean one.

I'm not his boyfriend and I'm not gay.

With a voice like that,

you're no straight arrow neither.

I was born with this voice.

So was Yma Sumac.

[PROCLO GRUNTING]

Where do you think you're going?

I'm just someone

in a lot of trouble, see.

You're not staying for my second show?

I am not a producer.

It was your two friends' idea.

Wait a...

Hey.

- Wait a minute.

- Hmm?

- Seymour Pippin.

- Who?

You don't fire Googie Gomez from no show

and get away with it, you bastard.

You think I forget your face?

I'm gonna tear all of your eyes out.

That's Mr. Vespucci.

- You promise?

- I promise.

Oh, what do you know?

I thought it was Seymour Pippin.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR

THEN GOOGIE GASPS]

It's for you.

BRICK:
If it's him, Mr. Vespucci,

you just give me...

what the hell happened to you?

You said you'd be on top.

I've been under that damn bed so long

I can hardly walk.

- See something you like, buddy?

CARMINE:
What the...?

You looking for a good time, Mac?

You're not Brick. Where's Brick?

What have you done to him?

Lie down.

Get your hands off me.

[BED SPRINGS RATTLING]

- Somebody's under there.

- Just lie down and stretch out on the bed.

CARMINE:
What are you doing?

BRICK:
I'm trying to seduce you.

CARMINE:
Get your hands off,

I'll lay your head open.

BRICK:
Is it him, Mr. Vespucci?

CARMINE:
Yes.

Vespucci? I'm vespucci.

BRICK:
Is it?

PROCLO:
Yes, it's him, it's him.

I know that voice. What the hell is this?

One of them goddamn "transvestitites,"

sure you are.

Seymour Pippin.

I kill you, pendejo.

I tear your eyes out.

You think you can fire Googie Gomez

from a show...

...and get away with it, you bastard?

[GOOGIE SHOUTING IN SPANISH]

Hey, fight fair, you f*ggot.

You lay one hand on her, Mr. Proclo,

and I'm gonna break...

- Proclo? Proclo?

- Get him, for chrissake.

Step aside, miss.

[GIBBERING]

[SQUEALING]

[GLASS SHATTERING]

PROCLO:

Get me out of here, will you?

Oh, we were just starting

to have such fun.

Hey, do you know something?

This man is not Seymour Pippin neither.

- I wonder who he is?

- It's my brother-in-law.

[GASPS]

- Is he in show business?

- No, he's in garbage.

A gay garbage man?

I'm a detective.

Mr. Vespucci here hired me...

...to get something on his brother-in-law,

Mr. Proclo here.

So that Mr. Proclo won't inherit half

of the family business.

So that's it.

GOOGIE:
Amigo.

- I'll kill...

GOOGIE:

No, no, no.

Mr. Vespucci wanted to catch

Mr. Proclo and I together...

...so that he could commit

a delitto di passione.

- Look out now, you'll be in the picture.

- Oh, picture. What picture?

Hey. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

I see what you do.

If that man want to be here,

let him be here.

What do you care?

Listen, I don't stand still

for no blackmail.

I tell Tiger and Duff what you do

and you are on your ass, big boy.

And I thought you were nice.

Come on, Chris.

I still like Evelyn.

- Happy birthday, honey.

- Thank you.

Can't you hit him again?

Oh, come on now, Mr. Vespucci,

that wouldn't be ethical.

Ethical?

Your line of work and you're telling me

what's ethical? Come on.

Well, you really blew it this time,

Carmine.

By the time you get out of this place,

I'll be in Cleveland with vivian and the kids.

Fat man in 201. Come and get it.

He's all yours.

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