The Ritz Page #7

Fat man in 201. Come and get it.

He's all yours.

Fat man in 201.

Fat man in 201.

[PHoNE RINGS]

Come and get it.

Hello?

I'll fix you. You'll get nowhere

without your clothes.

- Come and get it.

BRICK:
Michael Brick speaking.

Fat man in 201.

BRICK:

I'll see if I can find him.

- It's for you, Mr. Vespucci.

PROCLO:
Who is it?

Who is this, please?

It's Mrs. Proclo calling from a bar

across the street.

Shh. Mrs. Proclo?

My God, that's vivian.

Tell her I left.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Proclo, but he just left.

She doesn't believe me.

Tell her she has to believe you.

He says you have to believe me, Mrs...

She says she's coming over now.

Nothing's gonna stop her.

She's putting on a man's hat and coat.

Hello?

- I didn't even get to tell her the good news.

- What good news?

We got our man.

MAN:

I'm sorry, mister, but you can't...

oh! Ow! Ooh.

MAN:

You take the next one, will you?

[CLAUDE MOANING]

I'm giving you one more chance.

I don't know about you, Claude.

I'm in desperate...

- Did you say Claude?

- I never said that.

- Wait a minute. What...?

- No.

- Guy. Guy. It's you, Guy.

- Absolutely no.

Gaetano Proclo. The 5th division,

special services, the Philippines.

I was 4-F. I never served.

No, no. It's me, Claude. Claude Perkins.

Get away from me, Claude.

That's right. Get-Away-From-Me Claude.

[GRUNTS]

We had an act together.

A trio with Nelson Carpenter.

We pantomimed to Andrews Sisters'

records, remember? "Rum And Coca-Cola."

[SINGING]

The Andrews Sisters?

I hate the Andrews Sisters.

You hate the Andrews Sisters?

Look, mister, I'm in desperate trouble

and I wish you'd leave. Now get out.

Wait till I write Nelson Carpenter

about this.

ABE [OVER P.A.]:

313 coming up. That is 313.

You're not gonna believe

what's coming up, boys.

It's vivian.

There are other fat fish in the ocean,

Gaetano Proclo.

And 313 may just be one of them.

Not 313, Claude. Don't touch 313.

Just not 313, Claude.

[PHONE RINGING

IN DISTANCE]

Oh, I had a hunch it would be bad

but nothing like this.

- Welcome to the city morgue.

- Aah!

Oh, forget it, mister.

That is not my scene.

[GASPS]

CLAUDE:

Looking for 313?

Right this way.

[CLAUDE STAMMERING]

I know it's this way.

It's around the corridor.

Here we go, 313, right...

That's it.

Jellyroll baby.

You're my jellyroll man.

[VIVIAN SCREAMING

THEN THUD]

[CLAUDE Mo ANS]

You... I'm gonna kill you, you bastard.

You son of a b*tch,

I'll break every goddamn bone in your...

MAN 1 [oN RADIo]:

- Or eight-track tapes.

That's right, 500 all-time favorite

super hits for only 9.95.

MAN 2 [ON RADIO]:

The first lady was in town...

[GUNSHOT]

CARMINE:

My clothes. Somebody stole my clothes.

Okay, Gaetano, I know you're in here.

I'm gonna find you,

if it's the last thing I do.

CLAUDE:

All right, all right, all right.

Just lie there like a beached whale.

Look, I'd love to stay here

and play Sleeping Beauty with you...

...but I've gotta get ready

for the talent contest.

What's in the bag?

You bring your own lunch?

What becomes a legend most?

[SINGING]

[APPLAUSE]

Thank you.

ABE [OVER P.A.]:
Just a reminder,

it is amateur night at the Ritz.

Oh, well, you can say that again.

Brick.

Oh, hi, there, Bunny. How's tricks?

Hey, listen, is that thing loaded?

You're lucky I'm not using it on you.

Where is he?

- Who?

- My brother-in-law, dick.

He was just here.

- And?

- He went right in there.

All right, get out of here.

Get out of here.

CLAUDE:

Oh!

- Who is it?

- You know goddamn well who it is.

[CLAUDE SQUEALS]

Jellyroll baby, you're my jell...

Get out of here, you son of a b*tch.

Get out of here.

Get out of here.

Okay, Gaetano, the jig's up.

[MOANING]

CARMINE:
Vivian? Vivian, baby,

what have they done to you?

Sis, speak to me.

Those crazy fairies.

They molested my sister.

Oh, you crazy fairies, I'm gonna kill you.

I'll kill every last one of you.

Where are you?

No. No.

[MUSIC PLAYING

ON JUKEBOX]

- Your brother-in-law means business.

- What do you think I'm doing here?

CHRIS:
You just gonna sit there?

- What's the use?

Well, wear a disguise.

I am. I thought you were mad at me.

I am, but I prefer you alive to dead.

I'm funny that way.

- Claude.

- Oh, sure, now you know me.

PROCLO:

You gotta help me.

I am entered in a talent contest.

I've gotta get ready.

My brother-in-law is here with a gun.

DSo that's who that maniac was.

[GUNSHoT]

CARMINE:
Brick, where are you?

- Look out.

CARMINE:

I'm gonna get you.

Come on out now. I'll get you.

[GUNSHOT]

VIVIAN:
Carmine, no. No.

CARMINE:
All right, I'm coming.

VIVIAN:

No. Carmine. No!

- No. No!

- What is it?

- What is it?

- No.

- What is it?

- My mink.

- Your mink?

- They've taken it.

Now, here's the plan.

You've gotta be Nelson Carpenter.

- Who?

- One of the Andrews Sisters.

Nelson Carpenter

was one of the Andrews Sisters?

It's a routine.

I don't know

any Andrews Sisters' routine.

Neither did he.

Nelson and I carried you.

It'll never work.

[CARMINE GRUNTING

THEN CLAUDE SQUEALS]

[GUNSHOT]

CLAUDE:
He'll never catch us down there.

CARMINE:
You'll have wings.

[WHISTLES]

Get in here and don't let anyone out.

Yeah?

[MOUTHING DIALOGUE]

Hold it.

[DOOR OPENS]

[SINGING]

[YAWNING]

[APPLAUSE]

GOOGIE:
That was Guido

Cohen singing "vesti La Giubba"...

...from Pagliacci.

GUIDo:
Terrible.

Don't be silly, you were wonderful.

GOOGIE:

Bravo, Guido, bravo.

Oh, it's going to be a close race tonight.

Our next contestant

is Mr. Sheldon Farethold.

Song stylist from north New Jersey.

- Here I go.

GOOGIE:
Here he is. Sheldon.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Huh?

[LIP-SYNCING]

Well, it's arbitrary.

Hey, Tony, take a look.

[MEN CHUCKLING]

I like the one in fur.

MAN:

It looks terrific.

Come on out, you fat slob.

Gaetano, I know you're in here.

Where are you? Expose yourself.

Oh, Jesus, no.

[GRUNTING]

- Come on.

- Come on, girl.

- Come on, girls.

PIE:
Come on, honey, take it off.

Shake it, fat man. Shake it, baby.

[GUNSHOTS]

- Come on. What's happening?

- Get away from me.

- Get out.

- Come here.

Come here. Hide.

Everybody, slow down.

Nobody's going nowhere.

And give me some lights.

I wanna see who I'm talking to.

Not on me, you dumb fruit.

I want the room lights.

Okay. I want all the fairies in the pool.

- What about us butch types, boss?

- Shut up, you.

It's me, Bunny, Brick.

You're fired. Go on. Get in there.

- Bunny, my hair.

- Get in there.

[CLAUDE SQUEAKING]

Jesus, I can't believe it.

A good-Iooking, rugged boy like you.

- Believe what, sir?

- I believe it. Get going.

Come on.

VIVIAN:

Carmine, please.

CARMINE:

You shut up too, vivian.

I just want my mink.

You'll get your mink.

Will you let me handle this?

He's in here somewhere.

JOEY:

Wait a minute.

All this because some fat woman

who lost her mink?

One more word out of you,

you transvestitite...

what did you call me?

Careful, Googie.

You make me see red, mister.

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