The Ritz Page #8

And when I see red, I tear you apart.

Sh*t. You think I'm scared of a little gun?

[BELICIC AND HUGSNY

NoT HUGGING]

That's okay, mister.

If you don't bother me,

I don't bother you.

CARMINE:
All right, the rest

of you in there. Get in there.

Come on, in there.

Come on, get in there.

Get in there, all of you.

CARMINE:

All right, pool time, everybody.

Come on, everybody. Come on. Come on.

You listen to me, idiots.

Seniors. I don't wanna see a dry fairy

in the house.

MAN 1:

Oh, my mascara's running.

MAN 2:
Oh, God!

MAN 3:
It's running.

MAN 1:
What a night!

MAN 2:
My leg...

Christ, another one.

You really know how to mess up

an act, you know that, mister?

- You know what they call people like you?

- Fashionable.

- Get in there. Get in there.

- All right, all right.

Well, I guess that makes it you.

Look at you!

I could vomit.

- Jesus, Mary and Joseph, is that her mink?

- Yeah.

CARMINE:
All right, give it back.

VIVIAN:
I don't want it.

That's not my Gaetano.

I wanna go home.

- Okay, Gaetano, the jig's up.

- All right.

Take the crap off.

The wig, the glasses, the moustache,

the mink. Everything.

Okay.

I want you all to meet

my splendid brother-in-law, Gaetano Proclo.

That's not Mr. Proclo. He is.

- Who is?

- You are.

Who? Who?

[CARMINE GRUNTING]

PROCLO:

Keep it quiet.

I don't wanna hear that voice.

[VIVIAN CRYING]

Don't cry, viv.

"Don't cry," he says.

Look at him like that,

telling me not to cry.

Do you want your coat back?

Oh, look at my husband,

the man in the mink coat.

Oh, I can't wait to go to bingo

with you like that next week.

But I won't be there, if God is merciful...

...because I'm gonna have

a heart attack here.

This is grounds for annulment, sis.

I asked Father Catini.

I don't want an annulment, I wanna die.

[CHATTERING IN ITALIAN]

Vivian. Vivian, what are you doing?

You can't even swim. Don't.

Well...

...is this what you wanted, Carmine?

Boy, I can understand you hating me

as a brother-in-law...

...but killing someone

over a garbage company?

[CHATTERING IN ITALIAN]

You're married to a flaming homo,

that's perche...

[CHATTERING IN ITALIAN]

- He came here tonight, didn't he?

- A cab driver brought me here.

Because you told him to.

I never heard of this place.

You see that, vivian? Even a cab driver

knows what a fata he is.

I just hope you're not gonna insist

on mentioning this in confession.

For my sake, for the children,

please, don't tell about this.

I wasn't planning to.

It's just a phase you're going through.

Last year, it was miniature golf.

How the hell do you prove something

like this to your own wife?

Okay, Carmine, I give up. You win.

Let him go. Let him go. Let him go.

Get off of me.

PROCLO:

Don't splash. Don't splash.

CARMINE:
Get out of here,

you pest. Get out of here.

- Let's get out of here.

- Vivian, wait.

Don't you even speak to my sister.

Come on, let's get out of here.

Thirty-seven thousand, five hundred

on the week.

The rain killed us tonight, and next week

we got the Jewish holidays coming up.

Well, good night, boss.

Who is that?

Oh, it was just a person.

- She called you "boss."

- A lot of people call me boss.

It's not what you're gonna think, vivian.

"Vespucci Enterprises, Inc.

Carmine vespucci, president."

- This is a statement.

- I was gonna tell you about it.

VIVIAN:
We own this place?

- Papa done a lot of expanding.

We own this place, Guy.

He don't have to know.

This isn't the place to talk about it.

You knew what kind of place this was

all the time.

CARMINE:

So did he. That's why he came here.

I can't help it if we own it.

It was just a coincidence.

- What kind of a cab did you come in?

- What?

What kind of a cab did you come in?

- It was the opera. Aida Cab.

- Aida Cab.

- We own that company.

- We do?

What did the driver look like, Guy?

- All I remember about him is his stutter.

- His stutter?

- Yeah, he stuttered and smoked pot.

- Cousin Tito.

I should have guessed.

It's gonna be very hard

to forgive you for this.

I don't want no forgiving.

VIVIAN:
Take the hit off of him, Carmine.

- Vivian!

- Take it off.

- No.

If you don't, I'm gonna tell Frankie...

...about you muscling in on the bingo

at the feast of St. Anthony's.

And he is gonna put a hit out on you

and you're gonna be wearing cement shoes.

There's gonna be more grief and less peace

in our f***ing family than there already is.

- "Get Proclo." You heard Papa.

- I got Proclo. Now, take it off, Carmine.

I'll lose face.

- Not under the East River.

- Sh*t!

Now, I wanna see you two

forgive each other.

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

[PROCLO SCOFFING]

I wouldn't kiss him for a million dollars.

That's exactly what's it's worth, Guy.

- I wouldn't kiss him, period.

- For me. For me.

- Kiss. Kiss him.

- Hmm?

MAN 1:
Yeah.

MAN 2:
Kiss him.

MAN 3:

Come on, kiss.

Hey.

VIVIAN:

Kiss him, Carmine.

[STAMMERING]

PROCLO:
Hey.

MAN 1:
Hey.

MAN 2:
Hey.

MAN 3:
Hey.

MEN:

Hey!

[CARMINE SCREAMS

THEN GRUNTS]

[MEN CHEERING]

You can go

fangoo/ yourself, Carmine.

It's people like you

that belong in garbage.

It's people like me that just marry into it.

Get him out of here, men.

Into the steam room, girls.

[MEN SINGING]

CARMINE:

Hey, don't touch me.

Don't touch me.

Hey, you get your hands off me.

ABE [o vER P.A.]:

Okay, everybody.

Tonight's talent contest has been won

by Claude Perkins and partners.

TIGER:

We're sorry, Googie.

You build someone up like that

and it's all a lie.

That is a low-down,

dirty trick you've made.

Hey, do you believe that?

They told me

Mr. Big was going to be here tonight.

Who's Mr. Big?

Who's Mr. Big?

Only the man who produces miracles.

A producer, who else?

- My uncle's a producer, Miss Gomez.

- Oh, yeah?

- What's he produce?

- Shows.

Legitimate shows?

I don't do no dirty stuff.

Right now, I think he's casting Oklahoma

for a dinner theater.

Oklahoma.

It's a stretch, but I could do that part.

Listen, you could get me

an audition with him?

- Oh, sure thing.

- Oh, good.

I tell you what,

I see you in Bimbi's across the street.

We run into my boyfriend, Hector,

we tell him you're my agent.

I see you two skunks later.

I thought you quit.

That's show business.

You really got an uncle

who's in show business?

Seymour Pippin. He's a producer.

Forget it, mister. Come on, Tiger.

CHRIS:
I suppose you're wondering

what happened to Bunny.

Entered her in the

Princess Margaret look-alike contest.

First prize is a gay guide to Leningrad.

We also called the 16th Precinct,

they'll be right over for him.

Hey, listen.

Thanks for helping me tonight.

Oh, you just let me know the

next time you three are coming in.

I wanna be sure not to be here.

If you're ever in Cleveland,

vivian makes a great lasagna.

That's the best offer I've had all night.

- Who was he talking about?

- Carmine.

Oh, you gotta do something

for him.

Don't worry, I will.

VIVIAN:
Promise me?

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