The Road to Wellville Page #8

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Something has come to my attention

that I think you should be aware of.

It is your wife.

Yes. To my displeasure...

she's been seeing an outside physician.

Not Badger. No.

Although he is no doubt responsible.

No, it is worse.

It is a German.

- A German?

- Yes, sir, a German.

By the name of...

What is it, Jarvis?

Spitzvogel. Dr. Spitzvogel.

It seems that Eleanor's

been taken by...

Die Handhabung Therapeutisch.

Is it serious?

It is not a disease.

It is a treatment.

- I'm sorry, I don't follow.

- It is her womb.

Her womb?

She's been having it manipulated.

Manipulated?

Is that dangerous?

There are certain things a doctor and

a priest cannot share with his flock...

but I will say this,

look to your wife.

You're neglecting

a beautiful woman, sir.

And now I will move on.

Into the next room, please.

Miss Jarvis, item two,

if you will.

Into the room, sir.

Thank you.

- Morning, ladies.

- Morning, Doctor.

Nurse Bloethal found this apparatus

under your bed, sir.

Don't you know this thing

can kill you?

How could you be so foolish?

Let me tell you this, sir...

build up your resolve...

not your genitals.

That will be all.

Masturbation is the vilest sin

of self-pollution!

The most loathsome reptile rolling...

in the slush and slime

of a stagnant pool...

would not demean himself thus.

It is the sin of Onan.

Do you bicycle?

Oh, what a shame!

There's some beautiful terrains.

Charles?

We're over here!

- Aunt!

- Oh, my dear boy.

Oh, how are you?

You look so different.

Have you lost weight?

Are you growing a beard?

You look wonderful as always.

It's so nice to see you.

I'm so sorry to hear

about your nerves.

Listen, about our little visit

to the factory.

I think it would be best if we postpone

it for a few days, perhaps a week.

I understand you know

Eleanor Lightbody.

- Of course.

- Yes, we've met.

How are you? May I introduce my friend,

Virginia Cranehill. Charles Ossining.

- It's a pleasure.

- Pleasure's mine.

And how is the breakfast food

tycoon today?

Just fine.

If you'll excuse us.

You're not joining us

for the luncheon?

Virginia and I are sneaking off.

Mr. Ossining.

- It's very nice meeting you.

- Ladies.

Sadly, so must I. So much to do, so

little time. You know me. Work, work.

Nonsense. We're going for lunch.

Give me your arm.

Now, tell me all about the factory.

Will.

Irene. You look very pretty.

I hardly recognized you

with your clothes on.

- I mean, out of uniform.

- Thank you.

Is Eleanor here?

No, she's off

to a vegetarian seminar.

They're going to eat

dandelions with Badger.

Both guaranteed to make me vomit.

I was thinking of going

to Goguac Lake.

That's nice.

We could go together. That is,

if you're not doing anything.

No. That would be very nice.

I want it to be perfect for you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

good afternoon.

I do not wish to spoil the festivities

of celebration day...

a special day that marks the

anniversary of this establishment...

founded by those visionaries

of vegetarianism...

the Seventh-Day Adventists

some 42 years ago.

No, my friends, I will be brief because

I have an unpleasant duty to perform.

Quite simply, friends,

we have among us an impostor.

A charlatan. A fraud.

A criminal of the very worst stripe.

A man so heinous

and without conscience...

that I have taken time out of my

busy schedule to ensnare and expose him.

A man who has violated

every principle of human decency.

To defraud his own patron.

The very woman who

took him up from poverty...

to dress him, educate him

and give him a start in life.

That woman is Mrs. Hookstratten,

and that man was you, sir.

The factory?

The letters?

Charles, how could you do this to me?

It wasn't me. I tried. I really tried.

It was this man, Bender!

Oh, yes, Mr. Goodloe Bender.

Who I once knew as Nevada Ned

of the Kickapoo Indian Medicine Show.

A villain of the very first order.

He's now safely in police custody

in Buffalo.

You took advantage of this good woman,

sir, for vulgar profit.

Oh, yes, you did.

Oh, yeah.

Not just profit!

It wasn't just profit.

I had hopes, great hopes!

What's wrong with profit?

Don't you profit, sir...

from these good people who you've

conned into eating grass and sawdust?

So that they'll defecate and you can

suck it out of them with enemas?

So that you can feed them

more sawdust?

Don't you have workers who strive

through the night for a pittance?

Is there one nurse

in this whole sanitarium...

who dabs ointment...

on the piles of rich, fat asses...

who washes out the bedpans...

who makes more than...

the cost of this pile of horseshit

you call food, sir?

Mr. Farrington,

the manacles, please.

Lock him away, and as far as I'm

concerned, you can throw away the key.

- I can't do this.

- I know, because...

Certain things have to be avoided...

like feather beds and romantic novels

and the touching of one's organs.

No, that's not the reason.

It's got nothing to do with the doctor.

I love my wife.

It's Eleanor.

That's why I can't do this.

Good-bye, Irene.

I'm sorry.

You're really very beautiful.

Sex is the sewer drain

of a healthy body, Will.

I'm sure that you'll see that.

Any use of the sexual act

other than procreation...

is a waste of vital energy.

An erection is a flagpole

on your grave.

Eleanor, you're naked!

It's Die Freikorper Kultur!

- And you're being manipulated!

- It's Die Handhabung Therapeutisch!

Don't give me that German crap!

He was handhabunging you!

You let a stranger handhabung you!

Herr Spitzvogel is a doctor!

And you, you ginger-haired pig balls,

you were masturbating!

Sir, I was not!

I saw you with my own eyes!

I was massaging my colon!

Massaging your colon?

I know where the colon is,

and it doesn't stick up in the air!

Will, I know how all this must look,

but understand he's a doctor.

Doctor, my ass!

Nurse, my ass! What have you

been doing with Irene Graves?

Nurse Graves! Nurse Graves.

And your green friend, Miss Moss.

Miss Muntz.

Shut up! Shut up.

Shut up! Shut up!

If I hear one more German word...

I'll shove this stick

right up your alimentary canal!

Eleanor, wait!

Eleanor, don't you think

I deserve an explanation?

It's not what it looked like.

You're overreacting.

Overreacting?

A man had his hand up your crotch.

- It was medicine!

- Medicine? He was up to his elbows!

Stop it, Will! All right, maybe I went

too far, but you know something?

It felt good! It felt very good.

I felt good!

- You'd never understand.

- But I do understand.

You don't know how to feel good!

You're incapable!

But I feel good.

I feel great!

As a matter of fact,

I never felt better in my whole life!

You do?

Then I guess we can go home.

Hello, Dr. Vegetable.

You get out!

You can't wait to stick that tube

up your ass, can you?

I said get out!

I'm gonna burn this place

to the ground.

You're mad, and you're drunk.

Too late for that.

Do you like fireworks?

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