The Sandlot: Heading Home Page #5

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No, no, no. I'm the new kid

that's asking you politely...

to let the kid go on his way.

- And if we don't?

- Do you really wanna find out?

You're outnumbered seven to one.

Yeah, and the odds

aren't exactly in your favor.

[D.P.]

Everything cool over here?

[Whistles]

Saved by the cavalry.

I don't need them to take you on, E.J.

You'll need anything

you can get your hands on...

- "Santa-smelly."

- Okay, look.

I'm not gonna get into this sophomoric,

name-calling contest with a kid.

Frankly, it's beneath me.

Well, maybe it's because

you're a "lame-oid" loser...

- with pimple breath.

- That's an intelligent comeback.

Got any more, Einstein?

Or is that all your pea brain is capable of?

- [Laughter]

- "Pea brain"? That's a really good one, man.

You gonna let him

get away with that, E. J?

You know, you should

spend more time...

working on your baseball practice

than your weak insults.

- Insulting you isn't work.

- Oh, yeah?

It comes pretty easy.

Dog face. Turd mouth.

Rotten-faced bonehead.

Ignorant, pathetic

sociopath-in-training.

I have no idea what that means,

but it sounded good, guys.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

At least my girlfriend

doesn't wear a collar.

I heard your girlfriend got

kicked out of an ugly contest...

because they said

no professionals allowed.

[Laughing]

Now, is it true that your mother

smacked the doctor when you were born?

- [Imitates Rim Shot]

- Oh. Speaking of mothers...

do you guys need another player?

'Cause my mom plays ball pretty good,

and she's better than all you fools.

[Chattering]

Sorry. What was that?

Go ahead.

Go ahead. Go ahead. I can't...

I can't hear you. I'm listening. Go ahead.

Well, at least my mom's not sick.

You ever say something

like that again, I will ruin you.

- Oh, yeah?

- Don't mess with me on this, E.J.

I'll go Tarantino on you so fast...

- you won't know what hit you.

- Tear a what?

That's some kind of martial arts.

In moron terms...

it means I'm gonna hurt you.

I'm gonna hurt you real bad,

you got that?

And you, weirdo.

Next time be a man.

Fight your own battles.

Let's go, guys.

Yeah, beat it.

- Get out of here.

- We don't like you here anyway.

You okay, man?

- Do we get to play him?

- [All] Yeah.

Sure do.

- I'm in.

- [All] Yeah!

[Cheering]

Hey, Mom, I was thinking

about joining a team...

with those kids from the movie

the other night.

That's if you're feeling okay.

Are you down with that?

Honey, I'm feeling fine.

And why would you possibly think

I'd be down with it?

I'm definitely up with it.

Cool.

- [Door Opens, Closes]

- Groovy.

- If you want it to ride?

- Mm-hmm?

- Throw it two-seam, okay?

- Two seam?

Come on, Timber, let's go.

- Two seam.

- Right down the middle.

Ow! Timber, take it easy.

Come on, D.P. You're such a wimp.

Get in the game.

What are you whining about?

Why don't you come and play catcher.

- That's where you belong anyhow.

- Just because I'm husky doesn't mean

I have to play catcher.

- Two Ton?

- What?

- You're not husky.

- See?

- You're fat.

- That's it.

The death of Wok and Roll,

right here, right now. Come here!

- Whoa!

- Run!

- Guys!

Can we play some baseball?

- Is practice always like this?

- No.

- Sometimes Two Ton chases somebody else.

- Come on, Timber.

- Just pretend like I'm not here, okay?

- Batter up, guys. Let's go.

- Two seam again?

- Two seam.

Just try to hit my bat, okay?

- [Groans]

- Ooh! Sorry.

Gee!

[Groans]

Wrong bat, Timber.

- Guys, look at this.

- [Groaning Continues]

What are we gonna do

about Timber's control problems?

I bet Wings has got

some good ideas.

[High Voice]

Timber, if I live, you're dead.

I don't know about you guys,

but I'm gettin' a cup.

- Hey, Two Ton.

- What do you want?

I got a hurts doughnut.

You want one?

- Doughnut? Sure.

- Okay.

Ow!

- Hurts, don't it?

- Hurts, don't it?

You know something?

You guys are better than I remember.

With a little help from me,

I can hammer you into a winning team.

How ever can we repay you,

your holiness of baseball?

Look. All we wanted you to do

was play with us 'cause you're real good.

We didn't ask you

to coach or anything.

Squints coaches the games,

and Benny comes by when he can.

- We just needed another player.

- How often can Benny come by?

His team's hanging on by a thread...

and with me gone,

he's got nobody to work with.

What you talkin' about?

I heard Benny the Jet hurt his knee

in Cincinnati last night.

I heard it's pretty serious. Uncle Chops

said he was gonna be out for six weeks.

Hey, knowing Benny, he'll be playing in two.

That knee's always trouble.

Yeah? In '96, he got that replaced

and it ended his car...

- Car... Career?

- 1996?

- I've gotta go.

- [D.P.] Replaced his knee?

But if we are gonna be a real team,

we're gonna need some equipment...

bats, balls, a new glove for Wings

and some pads for D.P.

The last thing I wanna be is a coach.

I just figure

that if we're gonna play...

we should play like pros

and play to win.

See ya.

[Indistinct Conversations]

- Order!

- [Chattering]

Please, people.

- Mr. Needman still has the floor.

- Thank you, Mr. Chairman.

I know most of you have a sentimental

attachment to that old sandlot.

Heck, I even used to play ball

there myself, back in the day.

The truth of the matter is...

that old sandlot is sitting

smack-dab in the middle...

of some very profitable land

for this town.

Now, I am not gonna stand up here

and lie to you fine people...

and tell you that

I'm not in this to make a buck...

because I am,

and I sure will.

The fact remains, this town

has seen some hard times lately...

and we could use this.

Now if this council votes

to allow me to build...

the condominiums I'm proposing

will bring nice, affordable housing...

more jobs and more pride.

Now let's be honest.

Who couldn't use a little of that nowadays?

I can't believe this.

Come on, folks.

The only thing that Earl Needman

has ever cared about...

- is fattening his wallet.

- [Man] That's right.

Now, if we vote

to let him do this now...

we're losing something more important

than any of us can imagine.

And what would that,

Mr. Palledorous?

- Our history.

- [Man] Yeah.

And our future. How many of you

grew up playing ball in that field?

- [Man] I did.

- And how many of you...

are willing to take that

opportunity away from your kids?

This man is,

unless we stop him now.

[Cheering, Chattering]

Well, it, uh, seems

we all have a lot to consider.

We'll reconvene next

on July the second...

and we'll decide

on this matter then, huh?

- Meeting adjourned.

- [Chattering]

People, this is the chance

of a lifetime.

Chance of a lifetime! People...

[Thunder Rumbling]

[Echoing]

Chance of a lifetime...

[Echoing]

Tommy.

Wake up, darling.

- [Groans] What happened?

- You crashed after the game.

You've been asleep for a few hours now,

but Lou's here to see you.

- Lou? What's my agent doing here?

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