The Santa Clause Page #6

Oh, no, uh, | your pulse is great. I--

Well, l-l don't know, Scott. | Y-You're as healthy as a horse.

Yeah, Clydesdale.

Okay, look. So, what? | You put on a little weight.

A little weight? Does this | look like a little weight to you?

Well, weight can fluctuate | from year to year.

Fluctuate? You make it | sound like I'm retainin' water.

I've gained 45 pounds in a week. | Pete, what's happenin' to me?

- Well, what's your diet like? | - Milk and cookies.

- Really? | - But I don't finish all the milk.

Well, then, there is your problem. Just | try to cut back on the sweets, okay?

- Anything else? | - Yeah.

How fast does hair grow? | Facial hair?

-What? | -I shave in the morning | and in the afternoon I look like this.

Well, it could be | a hormonal imbalance.

- That would explain the mood swings. | - Mood swings?

- Yeah, well, look at my hair. | It's turnin' grey. | - Oh, it's middle age, buddy.

It happens. And with that body, | you should be thankful you have hair.

Look, i-if it bothers you, | you can dye it, and you should diet!

Ah, just kidding. | Okay, up with the shirt.

Let's take a listen | to the old ticker. Whoa. Okay.

Ooh, it's cold.

Over here, Steve! | I'm open!

What?

I want some ballet slippers.

- Hi, Mom. | - Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- Hold on now. | - Wait a minute. Wait, I'm not done.

Fax me. Hi. Hey, this probably | looks pretty odd, doesn't it?

- These kids lined up all by themselves. | - Scott,

I think it's safe to say you're taking | this Santa thing to an unhealthy level.

Here's my card. | Call me.

Scott, l-- I really have to tell you | that this is beginning to scare me.

I never in my wildest-- | Well, no, okay, maybe my wildest--

But certainly never in | my normal dreams would l--

- But then this is Scott | we're talking about and l-- | - Laura, the point.

It's just I never thought | you would stoop to changing | your physical appearance...

in order to make | Charlie like you.

- Do you have any concept of how | dangerous this is to a little boy? | - Whoa.

- Whoa, whoa. "How dangerous"? | - Mom, what's the matter?

- Come on, Charlie, we're going home. | - But we just started.

Well, a-- | You let him stay. I'll go.

If you don't get your act together, | Scott, so help me--

- Watch it, folks. | - I will just-- Oh! | - Mom! | - Come on. Move it, lady!

Kick it!

- Hi there. | - Hi. I got a delivery for S.C.

- You S.C.? | - Scott Calvin, that's me.

Sign here, please.

-All right. | -Thanks. I'll get your packages.

- Packages? | - Yeah, there's quite a few of them.

Great. I'll leave the door open. | Just leave them inside here.

Will do.

It's the list.

"Armand Assante"?

Yo!

Hold it! Hold-- Oh! | Hold it!

- You! You! Take that! Come on! Come on! | - Stay away from the truck.

What am I supposed to do with | all these packages, guys? Come on.

Aah.

You know, I knew it. I knew that-- that | something was going on. I just-- I--

What I can't believe is that he would | go behind our backs all this time,

confusing Charlie again just--

I-- I-- What are we-- | What are we supposed to do?

Well, there's one | obvious alternative.

Okay.

Aah.

- Annie, nice. | - Beep!

- Johnny, naughty. | - Johnny, wait up.

Gary, nice.

Veronica, very nice.

In your dreams, sleigh boy.

Huh?

I'm in big trouble. | Mm-hmm.

Thank you.

Judge Wayland's office.

Charlie, do you mind | if I talk to you for a minute?

It's okay, honey. Come on.

We won't be long.

Are we doing | the right thing, Neal?

-Something needs to shake Scott. | -Yeah, but--

But to-- to take away | his visitation rights.

Honey, the man is delusional.

Okay, okay, so maybe I'm having | second thoughts, kind of. I just--

I mean, what was so bad about | Charlie believing in Santa?

Well, he's a little old.

Oh, come on, Laura. | Don't you remember when you | stopped believing in Santa Claus?

I was Charlie's age, | I guess, l--

I wrote Santa a letter | every week that year.

Well, you know, okay, | you know, maybe--

Maybe not every week, but--

Boy, I really wanted | a "Mystery Date" game.

Do you remember those?

No. Of course you don't.

You know, no one does.

I-- I don't even think | they make them any more, but--

Well, anyway--

Christmas morning came and--

Oh, I got dozens of presents.

Oh, I got everything.

Except "Mystery Date."

I was three, and it was | an Oscar Meyer wienie whistle.

Christmas came. | No wienie whistle.

And that's when | I stopped believing.

You were three?

Yeah.

Oh, Neal.

-Where's Charlie? I want to talk to him. | -He's with the judge.

Dad!

It's all okay. | I told the judge everything...

about you and the North Pole.

After reviewing all | of your testimonies,

I've come to a very | difficult decision.

I'm sorry to do this in light | of the holiday season,

but in the best interest | of the child,

I'm granting the petition | of Dr and Mrs Miller.

Mr Calvin, as of today,

all of your visitation rights | are suspended...

pending a hearing | after the first of the year.

- Hey, Neal. | - Scott.

- You're not supposed to be here. | - Don't make me beat you up, Neal.

Oh, would Santa | really beat someone up?

- I'm this close. | - So you still believe you're Santa?

- I don't know. | - What do you mean you don't know?

Of course you are, Dad. | How can you say that?

-Think of all those kids. | -The only kid I'm thinkin' about is you.

Dad, I'm fine. | You can't let them down.

- They all believe in you! | - Charlie, listen.

You listen! | You think you know who he is. You don't!

Charlie. Honey, listen. | You're confused.

I know exactly who he is.

Charlie, he's not Santa!

He is too, Santa! | We went to the North Pole together.

I saw it. The elves are real old | even though they look like me.

Bernard called me sport, | 'cause he knew everything.

Right, Dad?

Remember!

Thank you, Charlie. | Thank you.

I love you, Dad.

Could you guys leave us | alone for a minute?

I mean, so I can | say goodbye to him properly?

You saw! | You saw the ball come to life.

You bet I did.

-Well, Charlie, I guess l-- I better go. | -I'll get my stuff.

Well, wait, sport. Sport. Wait, | wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I think it's a much better idea | if you just stayed here with your mom.

I wanna be with you, Dad.

Boy, I love hearing you say that.

You mean I can go?

Boy, this bird is dry. Haven't | you people heard about basting?

Bernard!

- Hiya, sport. | - Bernard, can I go? | Please, can I go, Bernard?

It's okay with me.

Charlie, if, uh--

Charlie?

Scott!

Charlie!

This is our perpetrator.

Scott Calvin, 38 years old.

Believes himself | to be Santa Claus.

Ladies and gentlemen, | this one's not gonna be easy to find.

Uh, won't the bright red suit | and beard give him away?

Charlie's got some great ideas | on how to keep you safe.

Santa, this is Quintin, | head of research and development.

- Quintin, good to meet ya. | - Hello, Santa.

Charlie and I have put our heads | together, and I think we've got | a few surprises for you.

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