The Sasquatch Gang

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Getting down

to the concession stand.

Speaking of

the concession stand,

who likes beer?

We've got a special

on blue ribbon down there.

Now, get down there and get it.

All right, now, y'all ready

for the main event?

Listen to them rides revving.

Y'all ready for some

powerhouse crash-up?

Now, on my mark.

Nobody start till I say go.

Whoa, it looks like we've got

an early guy.

Looks like an early birdie.

Hey, Mrs. Gore.

Can Gavin play?

Gavin, Hobie

and Maynard are here.

You're right on time,

gentlemen.

I commend you.

Be careful out there, Gavie.

I put a little perilax

in your Drink.

Mom, I told you,

I'm fine.

I know, dear,

But this will loosen you up

just in case.

Be careful out there, guys.

What's perilax?

It helps you

to get squirty dumplings.

Shut up, Hobie. How do you know?

Do you use it?

I don't know.

Come on, guys.

Let's fight already.

Fine; if you're so ready,

I accept your challenge.

Choose your weapons,

gentlemen.

I choose excalibur.

What?

Since Maynard has chosen

my weapon of choice,

I am forced to use

a secondary weapon.

The mace and dagger.

Where are you going,

the bathroom?

Just setting the mood,

gentlemen,

Setting the mood.

What the crap is this?

Warriors, prepare

to cross swords.

Attack!

Hit.

Warriors ready?

Attack.

That's it.

Gavin, you stupid dingleberry,

what you listening to,

wuss tunes?

Turn it off!

Hit.

Oh, God.

My eye. You--

that's an illegal hit.

You're disqualified.

I win.

That's what you get

for listening

to that fairy music.

Shut up, Zerk.

Yeah, Zerk jerk.

Hey, pipe it, sissy.

And shut that crap off

before I shut you off.

Make us.

Make you?

All right,

why don't we fight for it?

Me against you, Gavin.

No way; I just got hit

in the face.

Oh, you got hit in the face.

Fine, be a little wussbag.

I'll take Andre the nerd

over here then.

Okay, but I have to get

the longsword.

All right, I don't really

give a crap.

Give me

that other long thingy, then.

It's called a spear,

crap face.

I don't care what it's called,

you stupid nerd.

Just give it here.

Come on, Hobie,

stay on the offensive.

You'll be fine, okay?

Come on.

Sparring partners,

prepare to cross swords.

Look at him.

Look at the big nerd

dance around.

Whatever, man.

Let's just fight.

Attack!

Look at him.

What you doing?

Come on, Hobie.

Come on, Hobie.

Little nerd's

cheering him on.

Look at the big man.

Get out of here.

Hey, look at him.

He's like a big old beetle

what's on its back.

Hey, illegal hit.

You're disqualified.

He wins.

Get out of here.

Yeah, Zerk,

poke that piggy.

Hey, you big bully,

quit it!

Face shots are illegal.

How would you like getting hit

in the face?

You better mind

your manners, boy.

Enough.

Save your strength

for the hike

to Deer Cliff Falls

tomorrow, Hobie.

You know how your knees

start aching under your girth.

What's at Deer Cliff Falls?

None of your business.

Yeah, none-ya.

Yeah, right, retards.

Probably looking

for arrowheads or something.

So what if we are?

Shut up, Maynard.

Sorry.

Yeah, well,

there ain't none,

'cause if there was,

I would've found them

When I went looking for them

three months ago.

Maybe you were too ugly

to see them.

Yeah, you're so ugly,

all the arrowheads

ran away and hid.

Whatev, you little dorks.

Can't make this out of foam

and duct tape.

Yeah, Zerk.

Let's just get out of here.

Stupid nerds.

Oh, hello.

I am Dr. Artimus Snodgrass,

and welcome to the world

of the Sasquatch.

Today I will attempt to answer

some of the penetrating

questions we all have

about the animal--

or human being,

depending on whom

you listen to--

common referred to

as bigfoot.

Questions like,

what is a Sasquatch?

Gavin, you have visitors.

Not too long.

Lunch is almost ready.

And the question--

Okay, boys.

Mrs. Gore.

Hello, gentlemen.

What brings you to my part

of the region today?

We just want

to get a video, dude.

Wait, don't I always see

you two guys

hanging out

with Shane Bagwell?

Yeah, well, we used to.

But he was so annoying,

we stopped.

Okay, which one

were you thinking?

What about that one

with Michael Jackson?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Captain Eo.

No can do, brethren.

The last time

someone borrowed that one,

they lost my 3-D glasses.

Okay, what about

the bigfoot video?

Excellent choice.

I was watching

that one myself.

Sweet.

That will be $3,

and it's due back

next Tuesday.

Later,

Dude.

Ah, I've been hit.

Ah.

Ah!

So why do they call it

Deer Cliff Falls?

Well, Indians used to chase deer

with bows and arrows,

and deer would get

so frightened

that they'd run right off

the big cliff up here

to their death.

And then the Indians

would climb down the mountain

and get the deer

and cook it.

That's why people find

so many arrowheads up here.

Whoa!

It stinks.

Hey, guys,

do you see this?

The Sasquatch.

Who?

Haven't you ever heard

of bigfoot?

Like, the big hairy guy?

Exactly.

He's been here.

Look.

It looks like he stopped to take

a big dump right there.

At least he doesn't take

squirty dumplings.

Shut up, Hobie.

Come on,

we've got to tell the cops.

Screw the cops.

Let's tell

the Clackanomah County Herald.

We'll get our pictures

in the paper.

Screw it.

Let's tell both of them.

All right.

Sweet.

Nice.

Nice shot, Shane.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,

what's the rush, ladies?

We found Sasquatch tracks.

Shut up, Maynard.

Sasquatch?

Yeah, right.

Like that video of yours

we watched last night?

You guys

let Shane watch it?

That's it.

You're banned from renting.

We don't give a crap, yo.

What's she doing

with you guys?

She's just

a friend of mine.

I bet she's walking out

ahead of you guys,

wasn't she, Maynard?

Yeah, so what?

So I just figured out

who laid the Sasquatch tracks.

That's all.

Shut up, Shane.

Make me.

We really did find

those Sasquatch tracks.

You just wait

and see, jerkwad.

Why don't you put your money

where you mouth is, punk?

Fine, I'm not afraid.

Okay, well, if there are

real "Sasquatch" tracks

up there,

then I'll give you this.

If they're not, I get

your entire video collection.

No way.

Told you so.

His girlfriend laid the tracks.

Fine, it's a deal.

Thanks.

In the meantime, I'll hang on

to the other video we got.

Don't trip over

your girlfriend's fat feet

on the way home.

They weren't too fat for you

with the nickelcade

the other day.

Oh.

You better put

that metal-mouth dog

on a chain, Gavin.

Shut up, Shane.

She's not a dog.

You're a dog.

Ooh, you're scaring me.

Boo!

Ugh!

Get up, Gavin.

Get up and fight me.

Muffin.

Come on, Tinker Bell.

Come on, Gavin.

It's not worth it.

Yeah, we've got to get

to town.

Come on.

Lucky, you know that?

Yeah, Gavin,

you better run along.

Gosh, that guy's

a stinking ugly butt.

You know, we really did find

those Sasquatch footprints.

So he's the one

who's gonna lose.

That Chinese Star

is as good as mine.

Come on.

Yeah, he's screwed.

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