The Sasquatch Gang Page #2

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Officer, we'd like

to file a report--

We were up on the trail

to Deer Cliff Falls,

and we found a number

of large tracks.

We think it's bigfoot.

Bigfoot.

Hey, Chillcut,

got a lead for you.

What do you got?

Okeydokey,

We'll wait for you

at the trailhead.

Chillcut out.

There's gonna be

reporters there.

Satisfied?

I guess.

Are you sure it's legal

to have four of us

stuffed back here

withouts seat belts?

Oh, relax, big boy.

The way you're all wedged

back there

is probably better

than a seat belt.

Now, if you excuse me, I've got

some personal business

to attend to.

She-Ra, this is He-Man.

Over.

That's a go for She-Ra.

It's the Sasquatch again.

Drop everything

and meet me

at the Deer Cliff Falls

trailhead. Over.

Which one of you kids

found this?

I guess

maybe I figured it out.

Well, you've got yourself

quite a cache of evidence here,

don't you think?

Do you think

it's the Sasquatch?

Well, if it wasn't

the Sasquatch,

We sure got some big dude

walking around here,

dumping the biggest feces

I've ever seen in my life,

And I've seen a lot.

Ain't that the truth?

Oh.

Blondeen.

These tracks are fresh too.

You can tell that

from the poop?

No, it rained last night.

That means...

this would have been dumped

early this morning.

So it's, like,

a morning dump?

I better get some caution tape

out of the cruiser,

rope this area off.

You guys stay here and make sure

nobody messes with it.

Blondeen, better get Artie

on the phone.

He's gonna want to see this.

Okay, Melvin.

You get a shot of this kid

standing in front of that find,

and I'll ask

the questions, okay?

What did you say

your name was?

Gavin Gore.

And have you ever seen anything

like this before, Gavin?

I think Hobie laid one

like that a while back.

Tell them about the corn.

As you can see right behind

my right shoulder,

there is a very large

selection of feces

from what we think

could be

the Sasquatch.

We're bringing

in Artimus Snodgrass

to determine whether this

is indeed a real find.

He is the world's

foremost authority

on Sasquatch

and Sasquatch scat.

And when will he be arriving?

Well, he should be

arriving here

within the next three days.

What led you to find

this Sasquatch feces?

Well, we were--

I came to get my video back.

No way, lamewad.

You lost.

We told you

we found Sasquatch footprints.

Look, it's on the news

right there.

Well, the truth

of the matter is--

Yeah, right.

Officer Chillcut's my uncle,

and he wouldn't know

the difference

between a deer track

and a snack pack.

So?

So.

He said he called that guy

from your stupid video.

Artimus Snodgrass?

He said he'll be here

in a couple of days

to see if the tracks

are real or not.

This is so stupid.

We didn't even bet on whether

the tracks were real.

We just bet on whether

we found some tracks.

I don't give a rat's boot

what the bet was, all right?

If he says it ain't real,

we get your videos.

Come on, just give me

my video back.

I don't even want

your stupid Chinese Star.

All right, let me go get it.

Yeah.

What?

Hello?

I'm out back

grilling brats, Shirts.

Are you Ezekiel Wilder?

Zerk Wilder, yeah.

Who wants to know?

I'm Mr. Ernie Dalrymple.

I represent Bilford, Cohen,

and Gregg Collection Agency.

Sir, do you have

in your possession

a credit card issued

by the New Bank of Flanders?

Yeah, I know I got one,

but I don't ever use it,

'cause it's

for emergencies only.

Sir,

It was used July 17, 1999,

At a Burgerville, for $5.17.

What?

Could I have one semi-huge

Walla Walla onion ring...s

and four fresh

raspberry milk shakes?

Oh, yeah.

The reason I'm here today,

Mr. Wilder,

is that

for the last six years,

the bank has attempted

to reach you by letter...

Bills?

Whatever.

Yes, they got

the new sabbath tabs.

Rock on.

And by telephone...

He doesn't live here anymore.

Stupid telemarketers.

And finally they have sent me

to give you this bill,

indicating

that you owe $1,438.93,

which has resulted

in a lien on your property,

principally

your Pontiac Firebird,

in that you rent this home.

All right,

this is all nerd talk.

That I don't get it.

You have until Monday next

to come up with the money,

otherwise the title

of your automobile

will be transferred

to the bank.

Here's the paperwork

indicating such.

Thank you so much

for your time.

Have a lovely day.

Hey, Mr. Dalrymple.

Oops.

It's burning.

Look at his face.

Lookit.

Stupid bald nerd.

Uh-oh. Hey, I'll pay it.

Oh, wait, I can't.

It's burned.

That stupid--

Sucks, man.

Where am I gonna get

1,400 bucks from?

How can I owe that much

for a $5 meal at Burgerville?

It doesn't make sense.

It's them finance charges,

I reckon.

They build up.

No crap, genius.

Where you from, Harvard?

Hey, you know what?

Why don't you stop telling me

things I already know

and come up with a way

for us to make this money?

'Cause ain't no one taking

the Firebird away from me.

Now, is this

or isn't this America?

I thought we lived

in a place

where the government

can't screw you over.

I don't think the government

is the one screwing you.

Fire in the hole.

Whatever, man.

This whole country

is founded

on not taking crap

from anyone, you know?

It's all about freedom, man,

like this,

you know, freedom

to hang out with a buddy,

drink some beers,

squeeze off a couple rounds.

Man, if I could get

within 50 yards of Bin Laden.

Check this out.

Remember when we was at Repticon

and that guy

was selling them chameleons?

Oh, great.

Again with the lizards.

And you was like,

"how much?"

and he was like, "$300."

And you was like,

"yeah, right."

Yeah, dude, I was there.

I remember.

What's your point?

Well, what if we got

a boy and a girl

and got them suckers

to mate?

Then we can sell

them baby chameleons,

but we sell them

for $299.

Then people will be like,

"why am I gonna give

that old guy $300

"when I can get them

same chameleons

for a dollar cheaper

from those other guys?"

How long would that take?

If the chameleons

are in heat,

probably...

three or four months.

Three or four months.

I need the money

in ten days, idiot.

Took you three or four months

to say that.

Well, then how about

a lemonade stand?

Lemonade stand.

How are we gonna make lemonade?

Will you idiots

shut up, please?

I'm trying to watch this.

Why don't you shut up?

Yeah, Frankie,

why don't you shut up?

And what is this,

more of that lizard crap?

Oh, it's one of them lizards

that can run on water.

Big whoop,

I can do that.

Whatever, dude.

Yeah, whatever, man.

I can.

It ain't that hard, dude.

All you need

is some flippers

and get going fast enough.

I could totally do it.

Yeah, right, it's not

even physically possible.

Oh, yeah, what are you,

the lizard wizard?

At least I graduated

high school.

Why don't you pipe it, Frankie,

be a little positive?

It ain't that hard, man.

You don't have to graduate

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