The Sasquatch Gang
Getting down
to the concession stand.
Speaking of
the concession stand,
who likes beer?
We've got a special
on blue ribbon down there.
Now, get down there and get it.
All right, now, y'all ready
for the main event?
Listen to them rides revving.
Y'all ready for some
powerhouse crash-up?
Now, on my mark.
Nobody start till I say go.
Whoa, it looks like we've got
an early guy.
Looks like an early birdie.
Hey, Mrs. Gore.
Can Gavin play?
Gavin, Hobie
and Maynard are here.
You're right on time,
gentlemen.
I commend you.
Be careful out there, Gavie.
I put a little perilax
in your Drink.
Mom, I told you,
I'm fine.
I know, dear,
But this will loosen you up
just in case.
Be careful out there, guys.
What's perilax?
It helps you
to get squirty dumplings.
Shut up, Hobie. How do you know?
Do you use it?
I don't know.
Come on, guys.
Let's fight already.
Fine; if you're so ready,
I accept your challenge.
Choose your weapons,
gentlemen.
I choose excalibur.
What?
Since Maynard has chosen
my weapon of choice,
I am forced to use
a secondary weapon.
The mace and dagger.
Where are you going,
the bathroom?
Just setting the mood,
gentlemen,
Setting the mood.
What the crap is this?
Warriors, prepare
to cross swords.
Attack!
Hit.
Warriors ready?
Attack.
That's it.
Gavin, you stupid dingleberry,
what you listening to,
wuss tunes?
Turn it off!
Hit.
Oh, God.
My eye. You--
that's an illegal hit.
You're disqualified.
I win.
That's what you get
for listening
to that fairy music.
Shut up, Zerk.
Yeah, Zerk jerk.
Hey, pipe it, sissy.
And shut that crap off
before I shut you off.
Make us.
Make you?
All right,
why don't we fight for it?
Me against you, Gavin.
No way; I just got hit
in the face.
Oh, you got hit in the face.
Fine, be a little wussbag.
I'll take Andre the nerd
over here then.
Okay, but I have to get
the longsword.
All right, I don't really
give a crap.
Give me
that other long thingy, then.
It's called a spear,
crap face.
I don't care what it's called,
you stupid nerd.
Just give it here.
Come on, Hobie,
stay on the offensive.
You'll be fine, okay?
Come on.
Sparring partners,
prepare to cross swords.
Look at him.
Look at the big nerd
dance around.
Whatever, man.
Let's just fight.
Attack!
Look at him.
What you doing?
Come on, Hobie.
Come on, Hobie.
Little nerd's
cheering him on.
Look at the big man.
Get out of here.
Hey, look at him.
He's like a big old beetle
what's on its back.
Hey, illegal hit.
You're disqualified.
He wins.
Get out of here.
Yeah, Zerk,
poke that piggy.
Hey, you big bully,
quit it!
Face shots are illegal.
How would you like getting hit
in the face?
You better mind
your manners, boy.
Enough.
Save your strength
for the hike
to Deer Cliff Falls
tomorrow, Hobie.
You know how your knees
start aching under your girth.
What's at Deer Cliff Falls?
None of your business.
Yeah, none-ya.
Yeah, right, retards.
Probably looking
for arrowheads or something.
So what if we are?
Shut up, Maynard.
Sorry.
Yeah, well,
there ain't none,
'cause if there was,
I would've found them
When I went looking for them
three months ago.
Maybe you were too ugly
to see them.
Yeah, you're so ugly,
all the arrowheads
ran away and hid.
Whatev, you little dorks.
Can't make this out of foam
and duct tape.
Yeah, Zerk.
Let's just get out of here.
Stupid nerds.
Oh, hello.
I am Dr. Artimus Snodgrass,
and welcome to the world
of the Sasquatch.
Today I will attempt to answer
some of the penetrating
questions we all have
about the animal--
or human being,
depending on whom
you listen to--
common referred to
as bigfoot.
Questions like,
what is a Sasquatch?
Gavin, you have visitors.
Not too long.
Lunch is almost ready.
And the question--
Okay, boys.
Mrs. Gore.
Hello, gentlemen.
What brings you to my part
of the region today?
We just want
to get a video, dude.
Wait, don't I always see
you two guys
hanging out
with Shane Bagwell?
Yeah, well, we used to.
But he was so annoying,
we stopped.
Okay, which one
were you thinking?
What about that one
with Michael Jackson?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Captain Eo.
No can do, brethren.
The last time
someone borrowed that one,
they lost my 3-D glasses.
Okay, what about
the bigfoot video?
Excellent choice.
I was watching
that one myself.
Sweet.
That will be $3,
and it's due back
next Tuesday.
Later,
Dude.
Ah, I've been hit.
Ah.
Ah!
So why do they call it
Deer Cliff Falls?
Well, Indians used to chase deer
with bows and arrows,
and deer would get
so frightened
that they'd run right off
the big cliff up here
to their death.
And then the Indians
would climb down the mountain
and get the deer
and cook it.
That's why people find
so many arrowheads up here.
Whoa!
It stinks.
Hey, guys,
do you see this?
The Sasquatch.
Who?
Haven't you ever heard
of bigfoot?
Like, the big hairy guy?
Exactly.
He's been here.
Look.
It looks like he stopped to take
a big dump right there.
At least he doesn't take
squirty dumplings.
Shut up, Hobie.
Come on,
we've got to tell the cops.
Screw the cops.
Let's tell
the Clackanomah County Herald.
We'll get our pictures
in the paper.
Screw it.
Let's tell both of them.
All right.
Sweet.
Nice.
Nice shot, Shane.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
what's the rush, ladies?
Shut up, Maynard.
Sasquatch?
Yeah, right.
Like that video of yours
we watched last night?
You guys
That's it.
You're banned from renting.
We don't give a crap, yo.
What's she doing
with you guys?
She's just
a friend of mine.
I bet she's walking out
ahead of you guys,
wasn't she, Maynard?
Yeah, so what?
So I just figured out
who laid the Sasquatch tracks.
That's all.
Shut up, Shane.
Make me.
We really did find
those Sasquatch tracks.
You just wait
and see, jerkwad.
Why don't you put your money
where you mouth is, punk?
Fine, I'm not afraid.
Okay, well, if there are
real "Sasquatch" tracks
up there,
then I'll give you this.
If they're not, I get
No way.
Told you so.
His girlfriend laid the tracks.
Fine, it's a deal.
Thanks.
In the meantime, I'll hang on
Don't trip over
your girlfriend's fat feet
on the way home.
They weren't too fat for you
with the nickelcade
the other day.
Oh.
You better put
that metal-mouth dog
on a chain, Gavin.
Shut up, Shane.
She's not a dog.
You're a dog.
Ooh, you're scaring me.
Boo!
Ugh!
Get up, Gavin.
Get up and fight me.
Muffin.
Come on, Tinker Bell.
Come on, Gavin.
It's not worth it.
Yeah, we've got to get
to town.
Come on.
Lucky, you know that?
Yeah, Gavin,
you better run along.
Gosh, that guy's
a stinking ugly butt.
You know, we really did find
those Sasquatch footprints.
So he's the one
who's gonna lose.
That Chinese Star
is as good as mine.
Come on.
Yeah, he's screwed.
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"The Sasquatch Gang" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 21 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/the_sasquatch_gang_21243>.
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