The Scouting Book for Boys

- She's coming.

- She's early.

- Is today the day?

- F*** do know? They won't tell me.

Shh, blouse is coming off.

If ever get like that,

you got to promise to shoot me, OK?

- OK.

- F***, bra's coming off.

The bra is coming off!

Ugh!

- Wait up!

- Come on, come on, come on!

Who-hew!

Whoa!

Come on, we'll go this way.

No, we'll go this way.

Easy.

David, come on!

P*ssy.

I'm the king of the world!

- What the f*** was that?

- Was it one of those birds, Charlie?

I'm checking. Oi!

- We're birds, Charlie.

- Oi!

You can't just jump on someone's roof!

Oi, come back here,

you little bastards!

Oh!

Sh*t! Are you all right?

- Oi!

- Get under.

Get under.

Sh, sh, sh!

- You OK?

- Yeah.

You're not. You're bleeding.

Put your tongue out.

Aargh!

It's gonna swell, that.

You could give amazing head

with a tongue like that.

All you got to do is find a girl

before the swelling drops.

- What? I'm trying to cheer you up.

- Yeah!

- At least you didn't blub.

- Yeah.

- How many vans do you think we did?

- Well, counted 14.

- Yeah, thought it was 14, too.

- You didn't do 14!

No, counted 14, for you.

- Reckon equalled the record?

- Yeah, maybe.

- P*ssy!

- Yeah.

Come on.

"5 Years Time"

# Oh, well, in five years' time

# we could be walking round a zoo

# With the sun shining down

# over me and you

# And there'll be love

# in the bodies of the elephants too

# I'll put my hands over your eyes

# but you'll peek through

# And there'll be sun, sun, sun

# All over our bodies

# And sun, sun, sun

# All down our necks

# And there'll be sun, sun, sun

# All over our faces

# And sun, sun, sun

# So what the heck

# Cos I'll be laughing

# at all your silly little jokes

# And we'll be laughing

# about how we used to smoke

# All those stupid little cigarettes

# And drink stupid wine

# Cos it's what we needed

# to have a good time

# But it was fun, fun, fun

# When we were drinking

# It was fun, fun, fun

# When we were drunk

# And it was fun, fun, fun

# When we were laughing

# It was fun, fun, fun

# Oh, it was fun

# Oh, well I'll look at you and say

# it's the happiest that I've ever been

# And I'll say no longer feel

# have to be James Dean

# And she'll say,

# yeah well feel pretty happy too

# I'm always pretty happy

# when I'm just kicking back with you

# And it'll be love, love, love

# All through our bodies

# Love, love, love

# Right through our minds,

# And it'll be love, love, love

# All over her face

# And love, love, love

# All over mine

And really all these moments

are just in my head...

As soon as it starts to get hot,

people get so weird.

The other day this guy came

into Mum's shop and he goes to her,

" don't have any money,

but can have a lottery ticket?

" Need a lottery ticket. "

"Wednesday's a rollover

and know that I'll win. "

Mum goes, "I'll buy the ticket

and if you win I'll give you half. "

So they win, right? 50 quid!

And Mum's claimed, right? Proper.

But he ain't been round.

Mum reckons he could be an angel.

reckon that's just thick.

He probably just had to go home.

Just another f***er in a van.

I'd have bought him it

and laughed if his numbers come up.

- Would you?

- What? You think I'm lying?

If he don't come back, I'll get

one of you to dress up and claim.

- Bet she don't remember what he's like.

- I'd want a tenner of it if did.

- I'd have given you 40.

- All right, I'll have 30.

- We made a deal.

- Deals change.

'Hello, Steve?

Come in, Steve.

Yeah?

He'd give away a ticket

but he'd rip my Mum off.

Yep.

Aah.

Oi!

- You look like a cloud.

- don't want to be a cloud.

Ice-cream break? got money.

Actually, that was...

need to take you to your mum's.

It's probably nothing, Ems.

- How did she sound?

- It's probably nothing.

Let's just go, yeah?

It's written

all over your slapper face!

Don't know

why they chose him, sweetheart.

Why would...?

want you here with me.

So have to move in with him

because you're not good enough?

- Was good enough.

- You lost!

That means that officially you're not!

Tried my best. You little cow!

Little cow?

- You're the slag!

- I'll talk to her.

Could as well, if...

I'm a good mother!

Her dad won't look after her any better.

You tell her she'll apologise to me.

He's broken me in half, taking her.

You can f*** off an' all.

No, it's just...

- When's she got to go?

- Oh, f*** off, David!

- You look like a penguin.

- Yeah?

Spoke to Dad this afternoon.

- Yeah?

- Swap.

Said, if he wants me that much,

why don't he come here to live?

- Do you know what he said?

- That he's got a job so he can't?

"There's are great schools round here.

You'd be happy. "

"You could have David to stay

whenever you liked. "

Yeah?

'Unstoppable!

Right, staff kids are barred.

Come on, Betty.

You know you love us.

If you were paying, there would be

no problem, but you are not,

and so management

will be after my ares.

Off.

B*tch.

- Doesn't she count them for resale?

- Do care?

It'll be good for your tongue, this.

Oi!

Can't go. love it here.

Yeah.

Love it here.

Know.

It's just...

You know the place you know,

don't you?

Get this place.

was a kid in this place.

Oh, they can't do this to me.

It's not fair.

You'll make friends.

Loads of new mates and all that.

Well, you're rubbish with new people.

You won't make any new friends.

I'll talk to Steve.

Be a long conversation that.

He don't like you much.

- I'll be all right.

- No, you won't!

It's sh*t!

It's sh*t for us both. And why?

Because...

Because of my... f***ing mum!

Was sure an alarm was going to go off.

- Yeah.

- Don't say yeah.

Was being a spanner.

She hasn't got an alarm.

- She'll know someone's been in now.

- You think?

Can get you that mag now if you want.

You're being a real wanker tonight.

You're supposed to be my friend!

Not... Captain Sensible!

What? I'm not a captain.

- You're not even upset I'm going.

- 'Course am.

Just f*** off, Captain, would you?

- I'll f*** off, then.

- No. I'm not a captain. Emily!

Is Emily with you?

All right, Steve?

- Do you fancy a slide?

- She's not here, is she?

Is something wrong?

- She didn't come home last night.

- Who, Emily?

Don't get jumpy.

Probably kipped somewhere.

But someone broke into the shop

so Sharon thought

Emily's nicked money and scarpered.

- Oh, right.

- Too right, right.

Come on, kiddo.

I'm taking you to Sharon's.

Come on, David. She's worried.

- Get on the back.

- What?

On the back. On the back!

F***ing wonder about you sometimes.

Was just calling

to see if she was with you.

Yeah. Right. OK. OK.

She weren't with David?

Took some finding him an' all.

She's not round the park.

Right.

She's just trying to piss you off.

She'll be back tomorrow.

- Just got to put it out of your mind.

- Yeah.

Could do some phoning.

For the people who might lie to you.

No, love. Steve's right.

She's just angry with me, isn't she?

Don't take Mystic Meg

to work that one out.

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