The Secret Lives of Dorks

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1

[ School Bell Rings ]

Hey, There...

Hot Stuff.

If I Could Rearrange The

Alphabet, I Would Put "I" And

"U" [YOU] Together.

Yeah?

Hello.

Are You Taking Any Applications

For A Boyfriend?

A-Are You A Parking Ticket?

What?

You -- 'Cause -- 'Cause You

Got -- You Got "Fine" Written

All Over You.

Oh. That's Okay.

Oh. That's Okay.

A-Are You Sunburned, Or Are

You -- Are You Always This Hot?

Tsss!

Oh. This One's Good.

I Wish You Were A Dsl So I Could

Have High-Speed Access.

Yeah. Thought Of That One.

All Right.

All:
D-R-A-G-O-N-S!

Go, Dragons, Go!

Whoo!

Okay, Now, That Was

Unnecessary.

Hey. Dirt Girl.

See That Trash?

You Need To Pick It Up.

Do You Believe In Love

At First Sight...

[ Chuckles ]

...Or Should I Just Walk By

Again?

[ Laughs ]

Is There An Airport Nearby, Or

Is That Just My Heart Taking

Off?

Are You From Tennessee?

Because You're The Only Ten

That I See.

Ugh.

Do You Have A Raisin?

No?

How 'Bout A Date?

Your Name Must Be Lucky Charms,

Because You Are Magically

Delicious.

[ Chuckles ]

I Do Like Lucky Charms.

I-I Really Hope You Have A

License, Because You're Driving

Me Crazy.

Oh! Oh!Y.

Did You Fart?

Because You Blow Me Away.

[ Blows ]

[ Car Horn Blares ]

Hey!

Out Of The Way, Dork Face.

And Have My Friggin' Homework

Done By Second Period.

Peace.

She's The Most Hottest Babe

In Our Class.

She Has Been Since The Eighth

Grade.

She's Hotter Than The Center

Of The Most Glorious Firework

Exploding In The 4TH Of July

Night Sky.

Come Find Me.

Yo!

Look, Dude, Clark's Gone.

Now's The Perfect Time To Talk

To Her.

Are You Crazy?

He'll Smash Me.

Look, Now's Your Chance.

You Can Do It.

Carrie!

What?

I'm Payton.

I've Always Been A Dork.

I've Always Been More

Interested In Comic Books Than

In Sports.

And Despite How Hard My Dad

Tried To Make Me One, I've

Never Been A Jock.

Ow. Ow.

My Comic Book Starts Here.

See That Handsome Devil?

Yeah, That's Me.

And Next To Me, That's The Girl

I'm Gonna Marry Someday --

Carrie Smith.

She Was Perfect --

The Mary Jane To My Spider-Man,

The Lois Lane To My Clark Kent,

The Princess To My Mario.

Of Course, There's Always

Something In The Way, Some

Thing Called Clark Hayes.

He Was Bigger Than Me And

Better-Looking Than Me -- In

The Traditional, Handsome Sort

Of Way, If You're Into That.

If I'm Gonna Defeat Him And

Make Senior Year Different Than

Every Other Year, I'm Gonna

Have To Become A Superhero.

I Need The Amazing, Incredible,

Extraordinary Power To...

Talk To Her.

Your Hair!

My Hair?

Your Light Looks Very

Beautiful In That Hair.

What?

No.

That's Really Wrong.

Y-Your Hair Is, Uh...

Oh.

[ Sighs ]

Here We Go Again.

It's Like Every Year, He

Forgets I'm A Cheerleader.

Ew. Gross.

He's Been Trying To Get Into

My Panties Since They Were

Diapers.

Can't He See The Uniform That I

Wear Every Day?

It Means "Keep Off."

Unless You're A Jock Or

Iron Man.

He's So Hot.

No! Wait! Carrie!

That's...Not What I Meant.

[ Gasps ]

Oh!

[ Laughter ]

You...

You Are Not Gonna Ruin Senior

Year For Me!

[ Scoffs ]

[ Whimpers ]

Five Minutes In, And I've

Already Managed To Screw Things

Up!

Cupcakes Were My Surefire Way

To Win Over The Teachers.

Operation Brownnose Is A Fail!

Good Cupcakes, Though.

Chocolate -- My Favorite.

W-Where'd You --

Mm.

Did Y-- Did You Just Get

That...?

What?

Come On.

[ School Bell Rings ]

Where's That Nerd Girl With

My Cupcake?

Hello?

All Right, Boys, Come On.

Shake A Leg. Let's Go.

Payton, Come On. Get Dressed.

Wrestling Starts Today.

I Don't Think That's A Good

Idea.

[ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ]

What Now, Payton?

Every Time We Wrestle In Gym

Class, I Get A Bloody Nose.

I Think You're Exaggerating,

Payton.

No. No, I'm Not.

I Keep Track Of It In My

Journal.

[ Chuckling ] Journal?

No One Keeps A Journal.

Let's Go.

Come On. Come On.

In The Office.

In The Office. Let's Go.

Come On! Get Ready!

Son, Son, Son.

Dad...Dad...Dad.

Payton, What Have I Always

Said?

Men Don't...

Cry, Pee Sitting Down, Ask

For Directions, Talk About Your

Feelings, Talk About Your

Weight, Shave Your Pubic Hair,

Drive A Miata, Cuddle After Sex,

Own A Pug, Wear Pink, Think The

Packers Are A Real Team, Listen

To Show Tunes, And...

Wipe More Than Once.

Done.

Men...Don't Talk About

Journals...

AROUND OTHER MEN.

No, You Never Told Me That.

It's Understood!

You Don't Have To Say It!

It's Implied!

Come On.

Get Dressed For Wrestling.

Let's Go.

Dad.

Bloody Nose.

Son, What's The Worst That

Can Happen?

Okay, The Bloody Nose Is A

Given, But Then I Lose So Much

Blood That I Pass Out.

I Miss A Pop Quiz In Math Class

And End Up Failing Because Of

It, And My Dreams Of Going To

College Are Forever Ruined.

So I Work At A Gas Station, But

They Won't Let Me Run The

Register Because They Know That

I Failed Math Class, So They

Put Me On A Night Shift, And A

Crazed Drug Addict Attempts To

Rob Me This One Night To Feed

His Heroin Addiction, But Since

I Can't Work The Cash Register,

He Shoots Me And He Kills Me

Dead.

[ Grunts ]

See?

You Didn't Pass Out.

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

[ Laughter ]

Okay, Girls.

From The Top.

Ready?

Together:
Okay!

Whoo!

Let's Go!

In The Center Of A

Paramecium, That Is Where All

The Eating Takes Place.

[ School Bell Rings ]

All Right.

That's Biology For Today.

Don't Forget Pages 49 Through

Where Do You Think You're Going,

Payton?

Do You Need To Talk To Me?

I Was Worried About You,

Payton.

You Seemed...Distracted In Class

Today.

Is It Because Your Dad Has A New

Girlfriend?

[ Scoffs ]

My Dad Has A New Girlfriend?

Mm-Mnh-Mm.

Word Around The Water Cooler Was

That He Had A Date.

I Don't Know What You're

Talking About.

There's No One Special In His

Life?

He Would Tell You If There Was

Something Serious Going On,

Wouldn't He?

Yeah, I Don't Know.

So, There's Nobody New In His

Life?

I Don't Know.

So You Don't Know.

You Don't Know.

What Do You Know?

My Dad Only Has Room For Me,

Gale, And Ditka.

Ditka.

Is That That Ukrainian

Supermodel?

No!

No, It's The Former Head Coach

Of The Bears.

Oh!

[ Laughing ] Ditka.

Right.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Inhales Deeply ]

Okay.

Well...

That Will Be All.

Okay.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckling ] Ditka.

Wow. Good Reviews.

Okay, Coach.

You Can Learn A Lot From

Watching Football.

[ Chuckles ]

Amen.

And Parenting, That's A Lot

Like Coaching.

Don't I Know It.

Now, I Know Two Things For

Certain -- Life Is Hard And

It's Not Always Fair, But It

Beats The Hell Out Of The

Alternative.

You've Got To Get Your Son In

The Game, You Got To Get Him

Motivated, And You Got To Get

Him To Finish.

I Can Do That, Coach.

Maybe Your Son's A Dork.

Maybe He's A Little Bit More

Into Comic Books Than He Is

Girls.

It's Like You're Looking Into

My Very Soul, Coach.

You Can Still Guide Them To

Be The Best Dork They Can Be.

Now, Go Out There And Give Him

Hell.

And Remember -- Go, Bears!

Go, Bears!

Go, Bears.

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