The Secret Lives of Dorks Page #2

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Oh. Looking At Porn, Dork?

What Do You Want, Clark?

To Kick Your Ass.

[ Chuckles ]

What Else?

Boo!

Actually, I Need Your Help.

I'm Already Doing Your Math

Homework And Your Biology Essay.

This Is Different.

This Is Important, Okay?

I Need You To Teach Me

Everything You Know About...

Comic Books.

Why?

Y-You Don't Need To Know

About That.

Okay, Fine.

Meet After School At The

Comic-Book Shop.

[ Sighs ]

I'll Have To Bring Carrie.

I'm All About The Sexy

Ah, Yeah

Uh, Uh

Ah, Yeah

I'm All About The Sexy

Ah, Yeah

Come Closer, Payton.

Well, I Mean...I Guess I-If

You L-- If You Have To Bring

Her, Then, You Know, I Guess...

I Guess It's All Right.

And She Can't Find Out About

This.

I Guess You Could Tell Her

The School's Cracking Down On

Cheating And I Have To Pass You

Your Homework Inside Comic

Books.

What -- And She'll Believe

That?

If You Tell Her It Was My

Idea, She Will.

[ Chuckles ]

Cool. All Right.

Dorks.

Who Would You Rather Do?

Oh, My Favorite Game.

An Adam Hughes Girl Or A

Dave Stevens Girl?

Oh, Well, I'm Surprised By

The Question.

Because Why?

Well, Because I Thought It

Was Going To Be This Super

Heroine Or That Super Heroine.

My Question Is Tres Crafty.

I Think The Stevens Women Are

A Bit More Subtle.

You Know, Like, I Want To Marry

A Stevens Girl.

Well, Then You're A Fool,

Payton.

I Would Make Sweet Love To An

Adam Hughes Drawing.

I Mean, Not Even One Come To

Life -- I Mean The Actual

Drawing.

Hmm.

Don't Worry.

You Know I Always Use

Protection.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Sighs ]

This Girl Razor Is...

Quite Fetching.

Be Gentle.

I'm Still Mint.

[ Sighs Deeply ]

Now You've Done It.

[ Gasps ] Oh, No.

Ollie, I'm Sorry.

I Know You Have Dibs On Razor.

And You Say That You're My

Friend?

No Hard Feelings.

I'll Give You My Claim To

Night Nurse.

Not Good Enough!

Uh, Excuse Me, Sir.

Is This Where One Might Find

Information On...Comic Books?

Oh, Hey, Clark.

Nice Jacket.

Oh, Wow.

It's Carrie In A Comic-Book

Shop?

Could My Day Be Any More

Awesome?

Oh, God. He's Looking At Me.

I Got To Get Him To Stop

Drooling All Over Me.

Hey, Carrie.

Hey, Carrie.

Hey, Carrie.

[ Record Scratches ]

Hey, Man, Nobody Knows We're

Here, Right?

Have You Ever Danced With The

Devil By The Pale Moonlight?

What Is That, Comic-Book

Lingo?

'Cause I Never Read Any.

He's Making Fun Of You,

Dumb Ass.

Here.

These Are Good To Start With.

"Spider-Man"?

[ Scoffs ]

Saw The Movie.

Don't Need To Read This One.

Actually, The Comic Book Is

Completely Different From The

Movie.

Whatever. Let's Go.

Hi, Payton.

Have You Ever Checked Out

"Li'l Depressed Boy"?

It's My Favorite Webcomic

Series.

It's About A Shy Guy Who Has A

Hard Time Talking To Girls.

Webcomics Are For People Who

Can't Get Dates.

All Comics Are For People Who

Can't Get Dates.

I Bet Payton Could Get A

Date.

Uh, The Entire Romero Saga Is

Playing At The Tivoli This

Weekend --

"Night Of The Living Dead,"

"Dawn Of The Dead,"

"Day Of The Dead,"

"Land Of The Dead," And

"Diary Of The Dead."

[ Chuckles ]

That's A Lot Of Hot Zombie

Action.

Well, I Don't Know Anyone Who

Wants To Go, And I Don't Want To

Go Alone.

Really?

Because I Also Want To Go, And I

Don't Have Anyone To Go With.

That Sucks.

I Guess We'll Both Miss It.

Hey, Carrie, Do You Like

Zombies?

[ Scoffs ]

What A Dork.

Hey! They're A Perfect Pair!

This Is Just Like Newton's

First Law -- An Object At Rest

Will Stay At Rest, And An

Object In Motion Will Not

Change Its Velocity Unless An

Unbalanced Force Acts Upon

Them.

So If Payton Is The Object At

Rest And Samantha Is The Object

In Motion And I'm The

Unbalanced Force, Then All I

Have To Do Is To Get Them

Traveling Toward Each Other And

Then Collide, And Then Presto!

Dork Love.

And Payton -- Well, Payton

Leaves Me Alone.

Go, Bears!

That's My Girl.

You Should Probably Teach Her

How To Say Other Things At Some

Point.

Oh, Come On.

She Knows Other Stuff.

You Know She Actually Speaks At

A Right-Tackle Level?

Come On.

Watch The Game, Or I'll Make You

Run Laps.

Okay.

Okay, Okay. Catch It.

Catch It.

Catch It!

Yes!

Run That Sh*t!

Gale!

What?

Dad!

What?

Gale Just Said "Sh*t"!

While Watching A Game.

She's 6!

Oh, Come On.

She's Not Too Young To Learn How

To Properly Watch Football.

This Is Why She Needs A Woman

Figure In Her Life.

[ Chuckling ] Come On.

You Did Okay Without One.

Great. Thanks.

What?

I Didn't Mean Anything.

[ Door Slams ]

Okay, Let's Watch That Catch

Again.

You See That?

Mm-Hmm.

See The Quarterback In The

Pocket?

Mm-Hmm.

You See All That Protection

Around Him?

Uh-Huh.

You Know What That's Called?

Good Sh*t.

Good Sh*t.

[ Giggles ]

Okay, First Step In My Master

Plan -- Find Payton.

I'm Gonna Have To Be Nice To

Him If This Is Gonna Work.

You're Paranoid.

You Like Dark, Hidden Places

Where You Know You'll Be Alone,

Where No One Can Torment Or

Torture You.

What Are You, A

Psychotherapist?

[ Clank ]

Ow!

I Saw It On "Dr. Phil."

He Did This Whole Thing On It

Last Thursday.

Pfft!

I'm Not Paranoid, Okay?

I Just Like It Here.

You're Paranoid When It Comes

To Girls.

That's For Sure.

What?

You're Too Scared To Ask A

Girl Out Who's Standing Right In

Front Of You, Begging To Be

Asked.

What Are You Trying To Say?

Come Here, Baby, Ah

Come Here, Baby, Ah

Come Here, Baby, Ah

[ Scoffs ]

Samantha's Sweet, Nice.

Most Importantly, She's Into

You.

Samantha?

[ Growls ]

H-Hi, Payton. Hi.

Hey, Payton. Hi.

Hi, Payton.

You Don't Want To Go Out With

Her.

Don't Listen To Him.

She's A Great Catch For A Guy

Like You.

Girls Aren't Interested In

Me.

They Just Want To Be My Friend.

Hey, Do You Have Any "Batman"

Or "Superman" Books?

I Want Some Of Those.

Look, It's No Big Deal If

You're Too Scared To Ask A Girl

Out.

What, Did Dr. Phil Also Do A

Show On Reverse Psychology?

Last Monday. Why?

I'm Not Gonna Ask Her Out,

Okay?

Good Call.

She's Got No Tits And A Big Ass.

It's The Worst Combination.

Seriously -- You Got To Ask

Her Out.

What's The Worst That Could

Happen?

Well, She And All Her Friends

Could Laugh At Me In The

Hallway In Front Of The Whole

School, Scarring Me For Life,

Destroying My Self-Esteem To

The Point Where I Have No Nerve

To Ask Another Girl Out As Long

As I Live, And I Become A

Miserable, Lonely Old Man Who

Dies Alone, Completely Unloved.

This Is Gonna Be Harder Than

I Thought.

[ Sighs ]

[ Stopwatch Ticking ]

[ Stopwatch Beeps ]

Come On.

Bronko.

Hi.

Hey.

Great, Um, Great Bears Game

Last Sunday, Huh?

Oh, Yeah, Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, Except In The Third

Quarter, When They Were Up

Against A Cover 2 Zone.

They Tried To Run A Tackle Left.

Oh.

Are You Kidding Me?!

Everybody Knows When You're In

That Situation, You Run A Post

Pattern For An Easy Touchdown

There, Right?

Right. Yeah.

Right?!

Yeah, Right.

That's Crazy.

Crazy.

I Mean, In A Cover 2 Zone

Situation, Everybody Knows You

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