The Secret Lives of Dorks Page #3

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Got To Run A Post Pattern.

Even You Know!

I Know That, And I'm Not Even

A Coach!

I Know.

Kills Me.

Yeah.

Hey, You Know, I Was Looking For

A Good Place To Watch The Game

This Sunday, And I Was

Wondering -- Do You Know Any

Good Places, Any...

Recommendations?

[ Exhales Deeply ]

I, Uh...

Well, Uh...

Not Really.

[ School Bell Rings ]

[ Indistinct Conversations ]

Stay On The Pavement, Fellas.

Yeah, You Heard Me, Smirk Face.

Took Me All Night.

Wow.

Nice Balls.

Dude, They Got You Again.

[ Chime Tone Plays ]

"Let Me Teach You A Few

Things About Girls."

You Know That Line In "Hamlet,"

"To Thine Ownself Be True"?

Lesson 1 -- Don't Do That.

Lesson 2 -- Compliments Are

Good.

Over-Complimenting Shows

Desperation.

Women Sense Desperation Like

Dogs Sense Fear.

[ Chomps ]

Or Food.

[ Chuckles ]

I'm Not Sure Which.

Lesson 3 -- Really Don't Be

Yourself.

Can't Stress This Enough.

Carrie's Shirt Is Way

Boobalicious.

No, Seriously.

Way Boobalicious.

Boobalicious?

Really?

She's A Person With Feelings,

You Know.

I'd Love To Be Feeling All Up

In Her And Sh*t.

Don't Hate The Playa,

Home-Diggity.

[ Chime Tone Plays ]

Rolling Hills Dragons Rule,

Baby!

Waaahooooow!!

Lesson 4 -- Pay No Attention

To Clark.

Pay Attention To Things Like...

Her Nail Polish.

Girls Like When You Notice That

Sort Of Thing.

And Lesson 5 -- Possibly The

Most Important Lesson You'll

Get From Me.

Always Tell Hot Girls They're

Smart And Smart Girls They're

Hot.

Okay.

Payton.

[ Smooches ]

Payton.

This One Is So Good.

What You Guys Watching?

Football.

But It's Wednesday.

They Don't Have Football On

Wednesday.

Oh, Yeah.

Uh, This Is One From The, Uh,

'85 Season.

Super Bowl Game?

No.

Championship Game?

No.

Look -- The Fog Bowl.

Fog Just Came In.

It Looks Like They're Playing On

Mount Olympus.

You Need Help, Dad.

Well, I Think It's Important

That Gale Has A Sense Of

History.

Go, Bears!

That's My Girl.

Hey, You Know, You Could Sit

Down And Watch With Us, You

Know, Like A Family.

Families Do More Than Just

Watch Football Together.

It Wasn't Like This Before Mom

Died.

Okay.

Just Don't Say Her Name.

I Didn't Mention Her Name.

I Said "Mom."

Why Can't We Talk About Her?

You Know -- You Know, Parenting

Is More Than Just Learning About

Football.

You Know What?

You Can Learn A Lot Watching

Football.

Like Mike Ditka Says, "If Things

Came Easy, Then Everybody Would

Be Good At What They Did."

Okay, Dad.

All Right.

And We Watch...

Movies, You Know?

Right.

Because "Snakes On A Plane" Is

Appropriate For A 6-Year-Old.

Stay Black!

S-Stay Black.

Easy.

See?

I'm Gonna Be In My Room.

All Right.

Fine.

It Was Clear I Could Not Go

To My Dad About This Kind Of

Thing, But It's Okay, Because

Most Superheroes' Dads Are Dead

Anyway.

If I Use My Superpowers To Get

Samantha To Like Me, Then

She'll Go On A Date With Me,

And I'll Use My Mind Control To

Tell Carrie That Clark's In

Trouble, And She'll Come

Rushing To His Rescue, But

She'll Get Trapped In That

Alley On Fourth And Western

Where The Bums Beat Up

Cheerleaders, And I'll Come

Flying In And Save Her By Using

Samantha As A Shield.

Carrie Will Fall Madly In Love

With Me And Go To The Halloween

Dance With Me.

Then We'll Get Married And Have

Superbabies That All Have My

Awesome Powers And Use Them

Mostly For Good.

And We'll Be The Ultimate

Crime-Fighting Family!

[ School Bell Rings ]

Did You See Their Uniforms?

Ah!

They Were Gorgeous.

Brilliant Cut, Brilliant Design,

And So Little Color Choices To

Choose From.

Sure, The Nazis Were Jackbooted

Thugs Who Wanted To Take Over

The World, But, Well...

They Looked Fabulous Doing It.

[ Applause ]

Thank You, Ollie And Carrie.

Interesting Angle, But Very Well

Argued.

It's A Close Call, But I Think

I'm Going To Have To Award It

To...

Carrie.

Oh!

You Pick The Next Pair.

[ Applause ]

Okay.

How About Payton And...

Samantha?

Payton And Samantha, Will You

Please Step Up To The Podium?

Your Topic Is...

Baby-Seal Hunting.

Payton For, And Samantha

Against.

Well, Most People Would Argue

That Baby-Seal Hunters Need To

Make A Living, But My Argument

Is Much More Basic.

Have You Ever Seen A Baby Seal's

Face?

They Just Have This Expression

That Says...

[ High-PITCHED ] "Beat Me.

Club Me.

Smash My Brains In.

Please."

[ Class Murmuring, Booing ]

[ Normal VOICE ] I Mean, They're

Practically Begging For A

Clubbing.

[ Murmuring, Booing Continue ]

Payton, Has Anyone Ever Told

You You Look Exactly Like A Baby

Seal?

[ Laughter ]

[ School Bell Rings ]

Thank You, Payton And

Samantha.

We'll Finish It Later.

All Right, Kids.

Walk, Don't Run.

[ Indistinct Conversations ]

I Love Your Nail Polish.

I'm Not Wearing Any.

Uh, Look, I'm -- I'm Sorry About

That Burn.

It Was The First Thing That Came

Into My Mind.

To Be Honest, You Don't Really

Look Like A Baby Seal.

Although, You're Both Pretty

Cute.

Uh, So...

So...

I, Um...

I Had Something Pretty Important

That I Need To Ask You,

Samantha.

Yeah?

Uh, So...

Yeah, Payton?

Do You Like The New

Rob Zombie Flick?

I Thought It Was Pretty Good.

I'll Talk To You Later,

Payton.

Payton, Have You Finished

That Extra-Credit Family History

I Asked For?

Oh. Yeah.

Mm.

Here.

Although, I'm Not Really Sure

Why The School Needs To Know

That My Dad Loves Pia Coladas

But Doesn't Like Getting Caught

In The Rain.

Oh.

Boxer Briefs.

Surprising Choice, But

Impressive.

Can I Have My Phone?

I Tried Asking Her Out.

If You Don't Ask Her Out By

Tomorrow, You're A Lost Cause,

And I Don't Work With Lost

Causes.

Tomorrow?

[ Sighs ]

I Know Exactly What's Gonna

Happen.

Hello, Samantha.

Just Wondering If You Wanted To

Rock The Hizzy With

Tickle Attack.

That's My Guitar Hero Cover Band

With Ollie And Chester.

I'll Text Her -- Later Tonight.

Wow!

You're So Romantic.

Oh.

Well, I Mean...

Call Her.

On The Phone?

Yes!

Hey, Carrie.

What's Up, Girls?

Ohhh!

Were You Two Up Here Making Out?

Yes.

Nice.

[ Both Squeal ]

Are You Gonna Have Babies?

What Are You Guys Doing Here?

Oh, We're Hiding From...

Ollie.

Hey, Girl. What's Up?

Hey, Girl.

Hey, Girl.

Hey, Girl.

In The Library?

Bad Plan.

Oh, My God.

Is This A Library?

Y-You're Probably Right.

We Should Go. We Should Go.

Definitely Go.

Let's Go.

Gross.

Okay, So, I Ran The Numbers,

And I Think It's A Better Use Of

My Time --

Oh!

I Totally Forgot --

I'm Loving The Top, Girl!

Thanks.

Mm-Hmm!

Thanks. See Ya.

Okay. Bye.

Bye.

Okay.

So, You're Going To Call Her,

Right?

Well, Actually, I've Kind Of

Been Working On These Pretty

Excellent Pickup Lines.

No Pickup Lines -- Ever.

But They're Really, Really

Good.

Don't You Realize Any Girl

With Half A Brain Hates Pickup

Lines?

Just -- Just Pretend That

You're Samantha, Okay?

[ Chuckles ]

Yeah, Carrie.

Pretend You Have Donkitis And No

Tits.

Hey. Hey.

[ Chuckles ]

Hey, Baby.

[ Chuckling ] Please Don't.

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