The Security Men Page #4

..and you've already met Mr Caytor.

OK, we'll start by looking

at the security footage.

Yes, of course.

The whole mall is covered

by security cameras

which can be rotated 365 degrees.

Ray.

Bloody hell. They're standing proud.

That's Linda, my wife.

Oh! The old ping-pong ball trick.

Are those piercings?

Oh, yeah.

She paid for the left one,

I've treated her to the right one.

A gentleman.

Hey, if you want a copy for the lads

at the station, just ask.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Here it is.

12.07, they enter the jewellers.

What were you lot doing?

One man in the control room,

one man on his break,

two men patrolling the mall.

What is that?

Oil?

No, that's Eunice's water.

She hasn't changed it

since February.

She's a filthy cow.

Well, we're looking at two

right little short arses

or just a couple of kids.

We'd have a better look at their

faces if they weren't covered with

the stocking.

40 denier, I reckon.

I'd like to go and visit

the crime scene now, please.

Yes, of course.

It must have been a busy night

for you lads.

No, it were dead quiet before this.

We were watching the Amir Khan

fight. The Muslim Marauder.

It were a belter. Hey, he nearly

had him in the tenth, you know.

As you can see, they levered

the lock off with a crowbar

to gain entry.

The fellow who owns this shop,

his mother's from Kilkenny.

In Ireland.

According to your log,

at 11 .58, Mr Duckworth

was patrolling the perimeter.

That's correct.

What, and he saw nothing?

I mean, nine minutes later,

the robbers are breaking in here.

From the timings

of your security footage...

..the robbers left here at 12.11.

And spent only four minutes

to do all this?

They didn't hang about, did they?

Bloody hell, he's off on one,

is old Greavsie.

Thinks he's bloody Wallander.

What's he like?

A twat.

That's what he's like.

I hate working nights with him.

Never lets me have any birds back at

the station for a little look round,

feeling the truncheon.

And that's a perk of the job.

See that fella, Kenneth?

Head of security.

He washes his own mammy.

He's a mammy washer.

They know we're lying.

You can see it in their eyes.

What did you say that about the

fight for, you knobhead?

It were an accident.

They're gonna find us out,

I know they are.

Do you want to see some more

topless pictures of my Linda?

Grow up, will yer?

Can I ask you a question?

And give me your god's honest

answer.

Would you ever wash your mammy?

I mean, if she was lightly soiled.

Lightly soiled?

Not a problem. I've even washed

a few nannas in my time.

Hey, don't knock it

till you've tried it.

I tell you who I wouldn't mind

washing. Her in them photographs.

That Linda.

Yeah, yeah.

She could do with a good wash.

I'd like to take another look

at this security footage.

Officer Clarke.

Do you have a moment?

Something I want to show you.

Pause.

Right.

Pause.

Can you rewind it back to the

beginning again?

Right, come on, we're off.

I've already radioed the report in.

Bloody hell, that's a first!

You'll do all the paperwork?

Pretty straightforward, really.

Perpetrators nearly apprehended,

extreme violence used,

hazardous floor surfaces,

yada yada yada, job done.

Like you say,

it's probably just kids.

Come on, let's go down

the red light district, eh?

Do a few stop and searches.

Come on, Greavsie.

I'll treat you to a korma.

Bollocks. Come on, then.

Good man.

Good night, lads. See ya.

Cheers, lads. Hey, and well done.

Thank you.

Thanks.

Hey, nice to meet you, pal.

Nice to meet you.

Whoo-hoo. Is that the time?

Magic.

You've only pulled it off, Kenneth.

You've pulled it off!

Ole, ole, ole, ole

Ole...

Well done, Jimmy.

Kenneth, I just wanna say

that I have the height of respect

for anybody who'd wash their own

parent. Fair play to you.

Oh...

Do you know what, Duckers?

I think I will have a look

at them photos now.

Here you are, Kenneth.

They're not all stuck together yet.

What a magnificent boat.

Is that a waxing rash?

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