The Security Men Page #3

what my mother always taught me.

Lying is the best policy.

When they said I took that money out

of the church collection, I lied.

And when I went to confession,

I lied again. Hmm!

Pass me a resignation form, please.

They don't have one, Kenneth. Well,

I'll adapt an Incident Report form.

Hang on.

What about if we make it look like

we DID do our job?

How do you mean?

Well, we could rewind the tape,

somehow re-stage the robbery,

only this time with us doing our job

properly.

How would that work?

Well, two of us

could play the robbers.

The other two could chase them down

and have a bit of a scuffle -

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Make it look like a real scrap.

Make it look like

we nearly caught 'em.

I could chuck my karate in.

That's it, that's it!

Do you know, we can come out of this

looking like real heroes. Exactly.

No. No. No!

Kenneth, I need this job.

My Linda can't get work

with her police record.

We all need our jobs, Kenneth. I'm

having my drive flagged next week.

You're having your drive flagged?

Hmm.

Look, the whole system

is security encoded.

If we start tampering with it,

Head Office will know.

Yeah, but you know our Clare's son,

asbo Rhys,

they took his tag off last week.

He's a genius with computers,

an absolute whizzkid.

I bet you he could reset it for us.

Come on, Kenneth.

Just give it a go.

Yeah, that's it. Just give it a go.

We've got nothing to lose.

If anyone can pull this off,

Kenneth...

..it's you.

Come on, Kenneth.

Right. Gentlemen, gather round.

Now then, this is the plan

I've formulated.

To begin with, whoever we choose

to be robbers, enter by aisle four.

It's by the Pound Shop.

They will then proceed

in a north-westerly direction,

passing Greggs the bakers, Shoe Tree,

Spoilt for Choice,

arriving at Denbys, whereupon they

gain entry using a crowbar

to 'break the padlock'

on the shutter.

Who's playing the robbers?

Well, two of us will be the robbers,

two of us will play ourselves.

I don't fancy playing myself.

I couldn't pull it off.

I've got a brother who looks like me

but he lives in County Clare.

What's that got to do with anything?

I'm just saying,

if anybody was looking for

a look-a-likey to play me,

you should talk to him.

I'm not gonna be a robber.

That's all I have to say.

Myself and Ray will be the guards.

You two the robbers.

Why am I a robber? I went through

all this on the cruise.

A woman's bag went missing and mine

were the first cabin they came to.

Mind you, turns out Linda

HAD taken it.

Now then, camera three will pick up

two security guards in aisle six.

They will spring into action, racing

past Quality Save and Superdrug,

arriving at Denbys just as said

robbers emerge with a holdall.

A scuffle ensues and the robbers

manage to break way.

Hello? OK, mate, I'll buzz you in.

That's our Rhys on his way up.

Oh, good.

The robbers break away -

You know what this is like?

A remake of The Great Escape.

Different characters all working

together on the big plan.

Which one will you be, then?

Do you need to ask?

Steve McQueen, of course.

I wanna be Steve McQueen.

You can't. I am.

Anyway, it's Steve Mc-Queen,

not Steve O'Queen.

He weren't a Paddy. He wasn't

a Chuckle Brother, either.

All right, Uncle Ray?

Oh, good boy. Come in.

Meet the lads.

Pleased to meet you, Rhys.

How are you, son?

Bloody hell. I've underpants older

than him. And he's wearing 'em.

You weren't busy, were you?

Not really. Just watching porn.

Fair play to you, son.

So, Rhys, can you do this?

It'll be encrypted.

I'll have to override it.

And a firewall to get through.

I'll bounce it off a remote i-drive.

Fecking bounce away, son.

I'll have to shut down,

reboot, re-route everything

through a remote server.

Was that a yes or a no?

- Well, I'll give it a go.

- Good boy.

Hey, Jim.

See them, there?

My Linda's used to be like that.

Always very perky, they were.

Then suddenly the springs

went in 'em. Yeah, they do go.

My missus can make balloon animals

out of them now.

Good one, good one.

Hey, what do you think?

These ones... or...

..these ones?

These are...60 denier

and these are 40 denier.

I-I don't know. I'm in two minds.

Look again.

These ones...

..or...

..these ones?

I think the first ones.

Good. I can see feck all

out through them ones.

This is an old system.

I'm not sure if it can read

the programme.

Come on, download will you, crap

remote hard drive.

Sorted. Right, it's all ready.

Oh, excellent. Well done, Rhys!

Good boy.

I'lll tell your mum.

She'll be very proud.

She's took a restraining order

out on me. What, again? Yeah.

Right, Ray -

Say hello to my little friend.

Go ahead, punk,

make my fecking day.

Are you talkin' to me?

You talkin' to me?

Yes, I am talking to you, Ray.

We need to get on.

Yeah, stop titting about, lads.

We haven't got much time.

Hands up who thinks

I should be a guard?

You're not being a guard

and you're not having guns.

Ready?

Red Leader to all units.

'Stand by.'

In position, Red Leader.

Hey, I bet you wish these

were used, eh, Jim?

'Red Leader to all units.'

And... three... two... one.

Action!

Aaaaagh!

Cut!

- Action!

- Aaaaaaagh!

Cut!

What?

Stop titting about, Duckers.

And... three..two... one. Action!

Aaaaagh!

Leave it!

Cut!

- Action!

- Aaaagh!

What?!

Cut!

Action!

Cut!

Action!

Aaaaagh!

Go on, run!

Get in there!

Right, here we go.

Looking good, Kenneth.

Thank you very much.

Oh, look, here we go.

See that bag? That's heavy,

but I'm carrying it so casual.

Here we go.

I couldn't get into a packet of

cigarettes. You could get in there.

Here they are. Cagney and Lacey.

This is it.

You're gonna get it, boys.

Lads, you are having it.

Here they come.

Ooh, look at that!

Look at me. I look like Bruce Willis

in Die Hard 2.

Hey, you can run!

Still got it, kidda.

Eh?

- Look at that. Eunice's water.

- Oooh!

That's where I cracked my head.

Oh, look at that.

Oh, I'm glad they got away.

Classy touch, that.

Kenneth, look at you.

You look like you've pissed

yourself. Brilliant.

Right, that's it. I've dropped

it onto the main tape.

Well done, kidda, well done!

Fair play to you, son.

Here... have an Ocean Conqueror

shower cap.

That's from all of us.

Ah, feck it. Here.

Have the Ocean Conqueror shampoo

as well.

Ray, give him the Ocean Conqueror

shower gel. Go on. Come on.

Nice little bit on the end,

you slipping on the water.

Who'd have thought Eunice's water

would have saved the day?

Yeah. Good old Eunice.

I must remember to send her a memo

thanking her for her water.

So what happens now, then?

Well, gentlemen...

..I think it's time we called the

police and reported a robbery.

Right.

The thing is to stay calm

and act normal.

Good evening, officers.

Evening, lads. I'm PC Greaves,

this is PC Clarke. Chaps.

I'm Kenneth Brennan,

head of security.

This is my unit. Mr Duckworth...

Hello. Mr O'Neill... How are you?

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