The Sex Monster Page #8

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Oh... she has taste.

That's good to know.

(doorbell rings)

- Who's this?

- I don't know.

Well, go find out.

(gasping)

- Marty!

- What?

It's Dave!

He's here? Dave?!

- Why's he here?

- I don't know.

He is here.

What do we do?

Act natural.

No... that's semi-natural.

Yes... whatever...

do it over there.

Hey, Dave,

how ya doin', Dave...?

Hey... hey, Dave...

Hey, Dave...!

Hey, Dave! How, ya doin'?

Come out to the yard...

- Where's my wife?

- Your wife? I don't know...

You wanna go down to the corner,

get a drink, talk about the project?

- No... her car's here.

- Her car's here...?

- Hi, Laura.

- Hey, Dave, how ya doin'?

Where's Evie?

She's not here...

No, she's not here... no.

Her car's here. Any idea why

her car would be here?

Her car is here?

Wow...

I'm not a car person,

so I wouldn't know.

She's never been a car person.

You're not a "car person"?

Dave, let's go in the yard,

and have a drink...

I don't wanna drink, Marty,

I need to find my wife.

(doorbell rings)

- Maybe that's her.

- No, it's not her.

Honey, you don't know

that it's not her.

- I don't?

- He doesn't?

I don't... I couldn't know.

There's no way I'd know it's not her.

But I'll check and I'll see.

I'll get the door.

Go in the yard, okay, buddy?

Yeah, come in... the yard.

Didi... bad time.

Laura's not here.

Marty wait,

I have to talk to Laura.

I want to take her

to the sculpture sympo-see-um.

I really think

it would be good for her.

Laura's not here,

and I'm in the middle of something.

You have to go.

Her car is here, I know she's here.

What is your problem?

Didi, don't take this wrong...

but Laura does not want

to be part of your little club.

My "little club"?

Yes. She had a trial membership,

and we're not gonna renew.

"A trial membership"?

...And I have to go.

It's not about you, no offense,

but we're not gonna

renew the membership.

What's the deal with Marty?

We just bought

a new espresso machine,

and he just had...

whoa... way too much.

I'm gonna say goodbye.

All you guys think you know

so much about lesbians...

you think you're so into lesbians,

but you're not.

You are into what you wish

lesbians were...

cock-hungry nyphos,

keeping themselves busy

until a real man hits town.

That's not the reality.

Quickly, what's the reality?

I gotta go.

The reality is, that you pushed,

and you pushed,

and now your wife eats p*ssy

better than you do.

Have a nice day.

Honey...?

That have anything

to do with Evie?

- Wasn't Evie?

- No...

Someone about a "sympo-see-um".

- A "sympo-see-um"?

- Yeah, a "sympo-see-um".

A "sympo-see-um"?

Yeah...!

Yeah, Dave...

What the hell

is going on here, Marty?

Let's go get a drink...

I'm going stir crazy.

I gotta get out of the house...

(mumbling)

What's that?

- Our dog...

- Sounds like Evie.

It's our new dog.

A barking terrier.

Is that Evie?

Evie...?

Evie...!

(distressed cry)

Evie!

Holy mother of God!

Evie...!

Dave, I had nothing

to do with this.

I came in, saw the same thing,

and went, "Aggh!"

Son of a b*tch!

You pervert!

(Evie squealing)

You're f***ing dead!

No, no, Dave...!

You are a dead man, Marty!

Was it worth it, Marty?

'Cause you are gonna die!

Just stop it!

Are you all okay, Marty?

No, I'm not okay!

Do I look okay to you?

You are a dead man, Marty.

Don't hurt him.

No, no, it was me...

I tied Evie up!

- You tied my wife up?

- Yes...!

She didn't wanna do it!

It was me!

I didn't want to,

she seduced me.

I swear, I swear.

Laura didn't wanna tie her up.

Evie seduced her.

It's true, Dave.

It's true.

I wasn't gonna sleep

with any more women.

At least, not for a while, anyway.

Okay, good. Conversation

for another time...?

Dave... listen...

I'm a stand-up guy.

I would not tie your wife up.

I wouldn't.

I've known you a long time...

I wouldn't do anything

to jeopardize our relationship.

What the hell is your deal, man?

Married to some weird L.A. Sex freak?

Is that your thing?

Dave... don't call Laura names.

What should I call her?

That's what she is...

she's got my wife tied

and gagged up there.

What should I call her?

You're married to a deviate

L.A. Sex twat.

Dave, screw you.

Don't call Laura names. I mean it.

Screw you, Marty!

You're way overreacting,

I'm the one that should be pissed off.

You're overreacting, "Sunscreen".

I mean it. Take your Orange County

weatherbeaten ass...

go get your drip-dry, grisly,

whacked-out excuse for a wife,

and get the hell out of here.

I'm serious.

I mean it. You're a Republican.

This is a No Republican Zone.

You're messin' up

my property values.

Yeah.

Take off, Dave.

Aw, the hell with it.

To hell with you...

and to hell with her.

The hell with you!

Okay, Laura, he gets the message.

Don't be surprised when you get

a bill for cleaning and pressing

four Hugo Boss ties,

okay, Pembroke?

Oh, good, kick my gate, Millionaire.

That'll help.

Sh*t... that didn't go well.

It was nice

what you did, though. Thanks.

You're welcome.

I gotta pay the mortgage, though.

I think we're this close to violating

a federal law of some kind.

Go upstairs, and untie Evie.

No way...

I'm not gonna untie her.

You got a woman tied

and gagged upstairs. Go and untie her.

No, I'm not gonna untie her.

Hey... you tied her up...

Marty Barnes...

you go untie her yourself.

No, you tied her up,

you go untie her.

Go untie her, Marty.

Now!

Fine. I'll untie her.

It's not that big a deal to me.

I'm going.

Hi... Evie, hi.

Before I untie you,

while I have your attention...

I just wanted

to take a minute and say...

I know this is gonna be

really rough on you and Dave.

It's probably gonna end up

in divorce for the two of you.

That's really sad...

Okay, what I'm thinking is...

you're gonna have

half of Dave's money, right?

I gotta really good investment for you.

A project I'm working on...

- Hey, beautiful.

- Hey, honey.

Like my hair?

You kiddin'?

I'm crazy about it.

- Hungry?

- Yeah, I'm starved.

Can we go someplace nice?

Whatever you want.

Hi, I'm Henry.

I'm Marty.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

You like her new hair?

Her hair?

Yeah, I like her hair.

Thanks.

- Nice meeting you, Henry.

- Bye.

You like this restaurant,

don't you?

- Always did.

- I know you did.

Know what? We're gonna start

coming here again.

That'd be nice. Thanks.

What did you think of Henry?

The guy at your salon?

Seemed like a nice guy.

You think he's openly bisexual?

What do you mean,

"openly bisexual"?

Well, If I went

in there this afternoon...

and went, "Hey...

is anybody in here bisexual?"

What do you think ol' Henry would do?

What's your point, Laura?

I think it would be

good for you.

Good for me?

You're messin' with me, right?

Yeah.

I might be.

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