The Sheriff of Fractured Jaw

What's that, tea?

Take it away.

Poison. I never touch it.

Give me some port.

- Sir.

- The only possible thing for gout, port.

Now then, have you located

my nephew yet?

No, sir. It is to be assumed

that Mr. Jonathan is still on holiday, sir.

But he started in May.

It's now September.

- He's missing the partridges.

- Well, he'd do that anyhow, sir.

Mr. Jonathan is never happy

with a gun in his hand, sir.

Nor is anybody

who gets within half a mile of him.

Your correspondence might convey

some indication of his whereabouts.

I can't read them without my glasses.

Has anybody found them yet?

Ah, Toynbee. Nobody told me

you'd got here. Where have you been?

- In the library.

- In the library?

You won't find my nephew there.

No, but I found your glasses.

- Where were they?

- In a French novel.

Not a very nice novel.

Just a minute.

Where are you going with that?

A party?

No, sir.

- Kidneys, who are they for?

JAMES:
Mr. Jonathan's feeling peckish.

Mr. Jonathan? Where is he?

- In the coach-house, sir.

- In the coach...?

- What's he doing there?

- He's working on his contraption, sir.

What do you mean, scouring

the countryside for my nephew...

...when he's in the coach-house?

- I looked for him there on the 31 st ult.

- Today is the fourth inst.

Take that back to the house at once.

Look here. Get down there.

You're my lawyer.

Tell him if he doesn't report tomorrow

morning at 9:
00, I shall disinherit him.

- Very good, sir.

- Get on.

At the double, at the double!

[HAMMERING AND CLANKING]

- Mr. Tibbs, Mr. Tibbs.

JONATHAN:
Ah, dear Mr. Toynbee.

Your uncle has instructed that you be

at Tibbs & Company...

...at 9:
00 tomorrow morning.

Otherwise, you will be disinherited.

I have here a document dealing with

the financial position of the company.

Scarcely the place

to give you all the details...

...but I would advise you

that Tibbs & Company...

...is on the verge of bankruptcy.

- Dear sir, how are you?

Don't bother

with Tibbs & Company...

...and verges of bankruptcy

and all that.

Here, take a look

at my latest invention.

It's going to make us all a fortune.

- What is it meant to be?

- What is it meant to be?

Mr. Toynbee.

Sir, allow me to enlighten you.

This is a horseless carriage.

What's the use of a carriage

without a horse?

I will demonstrate.

Now, watch closely.

[MACHINE CLANKS AND HISSES]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

So far, I've only managed

to make it go up and down.

But if ever I should succeed

in making it go to and from...

...just think what that would mean.

However, I have made a few

adjustments, and this may do the trick.

Watch.

[CLANKS AND HISSES]

It's quite safe, Mr. Toynbee.

Come back, sir.

It's perfectly all right, Mr. Toynbee.

It's safe as houses.

I'll wager you that I'll drive to the office

in it tomorrow.

Nice and early, when it's quiet.

[CLANKS AND HISSES FASTER]

[EXPLOSION]

- Good morning.

- Good morning, sir.

Good morning, Mr. Tibbs.

Ah, Mr. Tibbs, sir, this is a pleasure.

- My dear old Mason, how are you?

- I'm very good, sir.

- Has Mr. Toynbee arrived?

- No, but he's expected.

- I say, what the devil's this?

- The gun is a derringer, sir.

- A what?

- A derringer.

Good heavens, looks like

a funny little pop pistol to me.

Yes, it may be small,

but believe me, sir, it's highly dangerous.

Do you know, sir,

a gun exactly like this...

...was used

to assassinate Abraham Lincoln.

- You amaze me.

- Indeed, sir.

And what's all this contraption?

Well, the attachment is a device

that we are developing, sir.

For gentlemen who might like to stroll

around darkest Africa or somewhere...

...wearing a gun which will not cause

an unsightly bulge in a well-cut suit.

I say,

that's a perfectly splendid idea, eh?

- Well, how does it work, old Mason?

- May I demonstrate?

Please do.

I'm a bit of an inventor.

Well, you see, sir,

it's fixed to the arm.

The gun is held in place by a spring

until the muscle is flexed.

Then it is propelled forward

into the hand.

JONATHAN:

Well, go on, show me.

- Hm.

- Ha-ha.

It doesn't seem to work very well, eh?

- I'm afraid it isn't quite perfected yet.

TO YNBEE:
Good morning, gentlemen.

- Good morning.

JONATHAN:
You're late.

- Good morning.

MASON:
Good morning, Mr. Toynbee.

So nice to see you, sir.

Do sit down.

Isn't it another lovely day?

Now, perhaps in quiet, clean,

peaceful surroundings...

...we can discuss

the financial situation.

Yes, never mind

the financial situation for the moment.

Since yesterday,

I've been doing a spot of thinking.

You surprise me.

You know, family tradition,

responsibility and all that nonsense.

TO YNBEE:
You mean to say

you're willing to enter the firm?

Well, you were probably right.

Who'd want

a horseless carriage anyway?

Mr. Tibbs, I congratulate you

on your decision. You'll never regret it.

Thank you. Now, my dear Mr. Toynbee,

my very dear Mr. Toynbee.

What, in your considered opinion...

...is the quickest way to put this firm

back on its feet?

I've never given it much thought...

...but I suggest that I'd say,

sell more guns.

Exactly. I don't know much about

business and that sort of thing...

...but it seems

that if you want to sell anything...

...you must take that thing

to the place where it's most in demand.

- Very logical.

- Good.

I read in my Times that they're having

a spot of trouble in the West.

I mean the American West.

Apparently, there's some frightful female

there called Jesse James.

She's shooting at everyone.

Are you proposing to take our guns

to the colonies?

- They haven't been for some time.

- Once a colony, always a colony.

Mark my words, one day they'll realize

their mistake and beg to be taken back.

JONATHAN:
Hear, hear.

- But to me, the place for a proprietor...

...is within the four walls

of his own establishment.

But don't you see,

my dear old Toynbee...

...I could sell more guns

there in one day...

...than the firm has sold

since the old boy started it in...

In 1605.

America, of course.

Coming in contact with Tibbs' guns.

One of the finer things of life.

Might well raise the level

of the whole country.

The place to sell Tibbs' guns

is in the Wild West...

...and that's where I'm going.

COACH DRIVER:

Hi-ya! Hi-ya!

Ya-ha!

- Have a drink.

- No, really, sir.

- Come on, have a drink.

- Thank you, thank you, no.

- Excuse me, do you mind?

- Of course not.

Sir, I am the inventor

of the Wainwright Cure-all Liniment.

- Oh, will it cure him?

- I think he's applied some internally.

That's great stuff, you know.

It even makes hair grow.

I have plenty of hair,

thank you.

Yeah, but you could lose it.

- We're going through Indian country.

- You don't say.

There you are.

I thought you'd run out on me.

- Have a drink.

- I'd better have a drop.

- It might quieten him.

- Excuse me.

COACH DRIVER:

Hi-ya!

- You going to Deadwood?

- No, Fractured Jaw.

- Ain't anybody ever told you about that?

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