The Skeleton Twins

1

I don't know.

Maybe we were doomed from the beginning.

I mean, it's not like Dad was Mr. Sunshine.

Sometimes I think all our problems

came directly from him.

But a lot of the good stuff did, too.

Remember what he always called us?

The Gruesome Twosome.

He told us to stick

together, no matter what.

God! What the hell happened to us?

Hello?

Hi, is this Maggie Dean?

Yes.

This is L.A. Presbyterian Hospital.

You know,

I'm on the National Do Not Call Registry.

How did you get this number?

I'm calling to inform you

that your brother Milo

was admitted this afternoon

after an attempted suicide.

He's okay.

Ms. Dean?

Yes.

- He's okay.

- Good, thank you.

It's a good thing

he was blasting his music.

A neighbor complained

and got the building manager.

Here's his note.

"To whom it may concern..."

Jesus.

When was the last time you saw each other?

About 10 years.

Hey, Milo.

Hey.

You changed your hair.

Oh, yeah. It's...

It's been light for a while, I guess.

Look at you.

Yeah, look at me.

Another tragic gay clich.

I don't know if you still like apple

fritters. Probably not as good as Jensen's.

I'm not really hungry.

I'll just leave them here.

How many days

did they say you have to be in here?

A day or two.

Do you have anyone...

Do you live alone?

Yeah, I live alone.

Well, I'm around the next couple days,

if you need anything.

Maggie, this was just

some stupid thing I did.

I was drunk and feeling melodramatic, so...

You didn't have to come here.

You should go.

Hey.

They told me you were down here.

I get discharged today.

They just called me a cab.

I thought you were going home.

Why, because you told me to?

No, because I asked you to.

What, are you king of the hospital now?

Have you read Marley and Me?

Yeah, sad.

Why is it sad?

You don't know what happens?

No, that's why I'm reading it.

Oh, sorry.

- What?

- Nothing.

- What, does the dog die at the end?

- No, I didn't say that.

The f***ing dog dies at the end.

- I didn't... I'm not saying anything.

- Look how much I had left.

I'm sorry I ruined it.

Maggie, I know the dog dies.

Everyone knows the dog dies.

It's the book where the dog dies.

A**hole.

I see you're getting

your sense of humor back.

Yeah, they can't take that away from me.

I was thinking,

maybe you'd wanna come stay with me?

What, back to New York?

Yeah. I mean just for a little bit,

until you feel better.

I have a guest room

and you can meet Lance finally.

Nyack's really beautiful this time of year.

So the crack team of hospital crisis

counselors got to you, too, huh?

- This was my decision.

- Yeah, whatever.

They guilted you into this.

You're right. It's probably a bad idea.

Hey, Maggie.

I have an aquarium

full of very beloved, fat goldfish.

You can get new goldfish in New York.

Welcome home.

Hey, here he is.

- Lance.

- Yeah, sure am.

- How are ya?

- Great to meet you.

Oh, sh*t. Sorry, man.

It's okay. Don't worry about it.

They're healing over, so it's fine.

I'm so psyched to finally meet you,

you know?

Yeah, you, too.

Mysterious Milo in the flesh, right?

Well, actually, I'm clothed now,

so you'll have to get to know me

a little bit better

before you see me in the flesh.

Cool, cool.

Well, hey, if you need anything,

I'm around, so don't hesitate to holler.

I'm just... I'm doing a few chores.

I will, I will, thank you.

Thanks for having me.

Okay, take it easy, amigo.

You, too, amigo.

Jesus, Maggie.

So, Milo, you hear about

your wild and crazy sister?

Are you... He doesn't know?

Your wild and crazy

sister has been taking...

Give me a drumroll. Come on, drumroll.

Come on, louder.

Scuba diving lessons.

- Yeah.

- Doesn't that sound like fun?

Yeah, if you like scuba diving, yeah.

I do.

She's preparing

for our tropical Hawaiian honeymoon.

It's gonna be badass.

Honeymoon?

Better two years late than never.

It was her idea. It was your idea.

- Better late than never.

- Yeah.

She's always getting crazy ideas.

Last month, it was salsa dancing.

Have you ever heard of salsa dancing?

It's kind

of like a Spanish-flavored dancing?

Yeah, yeah, the... Yeah.

- So now it's scuba diving.

- Yeah.

You ever been?

- No, no.

- No?

- Dude, you'd love it. It's awesome.

- Right.

Me and my buddy Craig,

a couple years ago, we went to Costa Rica.

This was before Maggie was on the scene.

PM, Pre-Maggie.

And the first time we go out on a dive,

we saw an effing sea turtle,

which is very rare.

- Incredibly rare.

- I think it's pretty normal, right?

- Seeing sea turtles?

- What?

When you're diving, seeing sea turtles?

I think that's very...

No, I think you're thinking of

just regular turtles

that you'd see in, like,

a pond or a stream.

I'm talking about a sea turtle in the wild.

We were swimming so close to it

that you could practically touch it.

- Is it okay if I tell him? Can I?

- Nothing really to tell yet.

You ready for some big news?

- We're trying to get pregnant.

- Really?

- We are trying to get pregnant.

- Yeah.

And I say "we are,"

because it's not sexist that way.

- Right? That's what you told me.

- Yeah.

I thought you never wanted to have kids.

Well, I may have said that

in high school or something,

but obviously people

change their minds on that.

No, I... That's great.

I love kids.

Except the fat ones.

F*** those little turds, right?

He's kidding. He's being a smartass.

- Don't mind him.

- I'm messing with you.

I was like, "Whoa,

what's this guy got against fat kids?"

- No, he's...

- I mean, I was a fat kid.

- Oh, you were?

- I was built like a damn tank, yeah.

- She's seen the pictures.

- It's pretty cute, though.

I look like a... Just

a little pillow with legs.

- A little marshmallow.

- Yeah.

Hey, here's to you guys.

- Thanks.

- May your kids be happy and fat.

Cool, man, thanks.

I mean, it hasn't happened yet,

but we're definitely giving it a go.

Well, keep trying, guys.

I can't wait to be the creepy gay uncle.

- You're hired.

- Okay.

You got the job.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Settling in?

- Yeah.

No, yeah, it's like

a Martha Stewart wonderland.

So, you met Lance.

Yeah, I met Lance.

Isn't he the best?

Yeah, he's like a big Labrador retriever.

Yeah, I guess.

He's just the nicest guy on the planet.

I really lucked out.

Yeah, you're really going for it.

- What does that mean?

- You're going for it.

Just, like, the job, the house,

the furniture. The Lance.

I guess I grew up.

- So, what about you?

- What about me?

Well, last I heard,

you moved to L.A. to be an actor?

That was, like, 10 years ago?

- Yeah, did you not hear? I won an Oscar.

- Oh, very funny.

Yeah, I played a retarded

Ukrainian immigrant

who inspires a bunch of school kids

in Brooklyn by playing chess.

- Seriously.

- Seriously,

acting's kinda hard

when you don't have an agent.

- So...

- Well, what are you doing for money?

Let me guess, male

prostitute joke coming...

What do you want me to say, Maggie?

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