The Skeleton Twins Page #2

I wait tables at a shitty tourist

restaurant in Hollywood.

It's f***ing boring, the end.

What do you want to know?

You know, I'm tired. I'm gonna go to bed.

All right, good night.

Sh*t.

The key to buddy breathing is not to panic.

Don't freak out or you'll die.

Don't yank the regulator

away from your partner.

Don't bogart the thing either.

All right, so, everybody partner up.

Let's go, let's do it.

Looking for a date?

A partner.

Oh, yeah, sure. Okay.

This is a book

that we're selling a lot more of.

It's just much more practical.

It's much more hands-on.

- Does that sound...

- It sounds perfect.

- Okay, good. Yeah, good luck.

- Thank you.

Surprise.

Milo.

Back from the dead.

What are you doing here?

I just rolled into town.

I wanted to say hi.

No, what are you doing

here at the store?

I am looking for the new

Danielle Steel novel.

- You should go.

- No, hey, no, I... Let's go hiking.

Let's go to Kate's Lazy Meadow

and, you know,

- go to the Harvest Festival and...

- Milo, you're out of your mind.

No, Rich, I just think...

Don't come here again.

When do the boys show up?

It's Dyke Night, sweetie.

- It's what?

- Dyke Night.

Dyke Night?

I showed up on Dyke Night?

Yeah.

Sh*t.

- Jesus.

- Hey!

Cal's Corner, f***ing Dyke Night.

- What?

- Oh, boy.

Dyke Night.

Milo, can we talk

about this in the morning?

Sandra and Melissa were very nice.

They were two lesbian ladies

who taught me how to play darts.

But they were not what I was looking for.

What I was looking for,

and you should know this

since we're now related, Lance,

I was looking for some cock.

Okay, Milo, enough.

You're fine 'cause

you're married to my sister.

- You're off-limits.

- "Off-limits."

Just letting you know,

if any of your little buddies

around, just...

- Milo! Go to bed.

- I will be on them like steak on rice.

Okay, Milo, good night.

I'm just letting you know. I'm

a little tipsy. I'm sorry.

- That's okay.

- No sh*t.

- Milo, good night.

- Good night.

- Yeah, about last night...

- You can't do stuff like that.

Sorry, I was just trying to blow

off some steam, that's all. I just...

So, Lance and I were talking,

and he might need some help

on this trail project at the dam.

Just clearing brush and stuff.

A trail project at the dam?

Yeah. It's what he does.

What do you mean, clearing brush?

Like picking up sticks?

Brush! Sticks and leaves

and pieces of bushes and stuff.

- It might be good for you.

- So, it's like a job?

It might be nice

for you to spend time with him and stuff.

Be out in nature with the brush.

Do I get a sexy outfit?

I'll make sure of it.

Here.

Probably should've worn longer sleeves.

Yeah, no, I mean, next time, you know?

'Cause then if you have long sleeves,

you can make more of a scooping motion.

You might be able to get

more with each grab, you know?

Yeah, no, I get it.

I'm not really an outdoorsy kind of guy.

Right. Well, no worries, my man.

You know, I got an extra

fleece in the truck.

- You want me to go...

- No, no, I'm good.

- Thank you.

- You got it?

Oh, you gotta be f***ing kidding me.

You okay? You all right?

Take a breath. Take a breath.

What happened down there?

Nothing, I'm fine.

- Yeah?

- I'm fine.

All right.

Hello?

- Hi.

- What the hell's that?

Happy first day of work.

You didn't have to do that.

What, you don't like it?

No, I love it. It's great.

So, I told somebody that I was in town,

and I didn't think she would come,

so don't freak out.

Hi, angel.

Mother.

Oh, dear.

Okay, broken glass. Everybody freeze.

I'm gonna go get a dustpan. You okay?

- Yeah.

- I'm gonna go get a dustpan.

Okay.

- So, that's Tanner?

- No, that's Tad.

Tanner's the oldest.

They look a lot like their father.

- See?

- I love Arches.

- Yeah.

- The Grand Canyon's gotten so commercial.

Arches has retained its essence, you know?

It's just such a very,

very spiritual place.

Arches is rad.

I actually road-tripped it down there

spring break sophomore year.

- It's insane. Unbelievable.

- A toast? A toast? I want to make a toast.

To my beautiful, beautiful children,

and to my lovely son-in-law.

May the light embrace you

with its energy infinite.

May you dwell in a place

of peace and tolerance.

May you live in warmth and understanding

for your days eternal.

- Amen.

- Yeah.

- Cheers.

- Now.

Darling, thank you.

So, when are you gonna

come down and visit us in Sedona?

I guess whenever we're invited.

Oh, my God! You just have to show up.

Just drop in. We don't

like to be scheduled.

- Perfect.

- Great, so how's next week?

Next... That's not gonna

actually be the best week.

Okay, great.

The week after that. We can go then.

Okay, well...

Hey, Mom, how are the alpacas?

We had to get rid of them.

It was just too much poop.

You know what they say,

everybody poops, right?

When I was a kid,

I didn't think that girls pooped.

- Seriously.

- I've never taken a sh*t before.

Milo.

So what about your insight retreats, Mom?

- What about them?

- Do you have one coming up?

Why do you ask?

Oh, I just want to make

sure I don't schedule

the most important event

of my life on the same day.

Okay, just...

You know it broke my heart

to miss the wedding.

Actually, you know,

I don't know that it did.

- You're here now, right?

- Yes, yes. Thank you.

Did everybody hear

how I've never taken a sh*t before?

- Did you guys miss that?

- Yeah.

Why are we talking about

such unpleasant things?

Milo, what's new with you, darling?

I'm gonna go grab the Tabasco.

Anybody like anything?

Everything's great.

- It's good.

- That's terrific.

Everything is terrific.

Now, breathe out.

Yes.

You're cleansed. Open your eyes.

Oh, my God! How do you feel?

Good, yeah. I might be a little drunk.

You look completely different.

Oh, my God! There's just... There's a...

A purity

and a kind of a glow coming off you.

It's emanating from your crown chakra.

Lance, would you like to be cleansed?

I'm okay, thank you.

I took a sauna this morning.

- But I feel good.

- Sweetheart?

Oh, I don't usually drink and cleanse.

Just, like, personal policy.

But thank you.

Okay, I guess I should be heading back.

What, like, back to Arizona?

Well, it's a terrific coincidence.

You know, Maggie,

you asked me about the insight retreat.

Guess where it is this year?

Woodstock. Around the corner.

- Oh, you've gotta be kidding.

- I mean, it's such a...

This just worked out perfectly.

So that's why you came here?

No, no.

I came here to see you two.

Oh, just shut up, Mother.

- Hey, Maggie.

- This is classic.

- Classic bullshit.

- Okay, Maggie...

I have to compliment you, though.

I really do.

You gave it a good shot.

But I have to tell you,

you're really not that good of an actress.

- Okay. Well, as pleasant as this is...

- Stop trying, Judy.

Stop trying.

There are worse things

than being a shitty mother.

So, if you've finished

vomiting all over me,

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