The Skeleton Twins Page #3

I will just say

thank you for dinner,

and, Milo, thank you for the invitation.

I'm sorry the night ended

up being so toxic.

I just want you both to know.

Oh, my God!

I'm sending you the light.

Good night, Lance.

Good night, Judy. I'll walk you out.

Well, at least she's sending us the light.

- Are those shoes?

- Yeah, kinda. They're a hybrid.

Hybrid of...

Of, you know, just shoes and a foot.

The human foot.

You know, some people

use a knife and fork for those things.

Yeah? Well, I'm not most people, babe,

and I think that's why you love me.

'Cause I set myself aside from the pack.

- Yeah.

- I'll see you tonight, okay?

I gotta get going.

- Oh, there he is.

- Hey.

What's up, chief?

Nothing.

Okay, I'll check you two dudes later.

Wallet, Lance.

Where is it, baby? Where is it?

Is he ever not like that?

You know I'm happy that you're here, right?

- Here it comes.

- And you can stay as long as you need.

- But...

- What do you think?

- I thought she'd be different.

- It doesn't matter.

You had no right bringing her

into this house without asking me.

Yes, Warden.

Did you really think she'd be different,

that she'd actually give a sh*t about us?

- Maybe.

- Please.

She's been done with us ever since Dad...

I don't even blame him.

Imagine being married to her.

I'd probably jump off a bridge, too.

Okay.

I don't want this. Eat it.

Okay.

- So, how you feel?

- I'm good.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

I'm a little embarrassed

about the other day.

I was on planet Jupiter or something.

Don't worry about it.

- I'm a doof.

- No.

You're one of my favorites.

Someone told me to read this once.

Where to, boss?

- I need you to tell me why you're here.

- I'm...

I just want to make conversation.

I just want to see how you're doing.

- Really?

- Yeah, nothing more.

I'm not gonna chop your balls off just yet.

Okay, 'cause I really

wasn't expecting to see you anytime soon.

- I'm sure.

- This is weird.

I know. I know it's weird.

So, how are... What are you... How are you?

I'm good. Yeah, I'm good.

I have a girlfriend.

Melinda. She's great. She's an optometrist.

Oh, cool.

Really good for me.

She gets along with Eric really well.

- Eric?

- My son.

Right, your son.

Are you living here now?

No, no, I...

Temporarily. I'm just here for...

I live in L.A.

- L.A., that's cool.

- Yeah, yeah.

- How's that?

- Good, good. It's going really well.

I mean, the key is just staying busy,

you know?

I've just been acting and auditioning

and I just got this agent.

- Really?

- Yeah, I have an agent now.

- An agent. Wow, that's impressive.

- Yeah.

What brings you to town other than scaring

the sh*t out of me at a bookstore?

Yeah, that was my sole purpose.

No, I... There's a writer's retreat.

You know, I'm writing this one-man show.

Well, it doesn't surprise me at all.

You were always a great writer.

Oh, well, I had a...

I had a good teacher.

It's a little cove off the Pawai Bay

on the Kona Coast, off the Big Island.

My mate Mike has been there since '05

taking small groups diving,

and I'm telling you...

- Pretty?

- It's stunning.

Sea turtles, manta rays, blue sharks.

That sounds incredible.

Except for the sharks, I guess.

They're harmless.

Besides,

you could handle a little old shark.

- You want another?

- Yeah.

No. No.

I think I've filled my quota.

I should go.

- I haven't finished my drink yet.

- Here, I'll take that.

Okay, there we go.

That was fun.

We had drinks. That was nice. Thank you.

I will see you in class.

Sh*t.

Sweetie?

Yeah?

Are we out of pizza pockets?

I think so.

Well, can you put them

on the list, please?

Honey?

So, you'll pick me up after work?

Okay.

- All right, well, have a good day at work.

- I will.

- Tell Lance I say hi.

- I will.

Okay. All right.

- Bye, have a good day.

- See ya, bye.

Bye.

What's up?

Do you think I should have a baby?

I mean, do you think

I would be a good mom?

I don't know.

I mean, I think you'd be very attentive.

- Okay.

- And maybe a bit overprotective.

Uptight.

Gee, thanks.

No, I'm just being honest, I'm...

It's a loaded question. I'm sorry.

I think I'd be an excellent mom.

Okay.

What do you want me to say?

How about something that doesn't

make me feel like a piece of sh*t?

You know, you're so goddamn selfish, Milo,

it's mind-blowing.

Maggie.

Oh, that's classic Maggie, man. Classic.

Yeah, she just jumped down my throat.

- It was crazy.

- Land mines, man.

It's like sometimes she and I will be

strolling through the park

laughing, getting along perfect,

and then, kaboom, you know?

A freakin' land mine blows my nuts off.

- You know?

- Yeah.

And I'll think, "Oh, I could've sworn

my nuts were there a minute ago.

"I wonder where they went."

- No nuts.

- Oh, there they are.

They got blown clear across the room.

They're sliding down that wall over there.

My nuts.

And then, you know, when I think about it,

it was probably my fault in the first

place, so I'll just apologize to her.

I probably said

something stupid or insensitive,

so I'll just tell her that I was sorry,

and then it's fine.

Land mines, dude.

There she is.

Your chariot awaits.

All right, look, I'm sorry.

I'm an idiot.

So what else is new?

You'd make an amazing mother, okay?

I thought I was too uptight.

I just said that so

I didn't have to talk

about the real issue,

which is your morbid obesity.

I'm surprised you can even leave the house.

When was the last time

you had your teeth cleaned?

- No. No, no, no, no, no.

- Come on.

- No.

- Hey, I am a licensed dental hygienist.

Don't you want to see me work?

No.

There are so many planets,

yet so little time.

All right, okay, I'm gonna take this.

- Wait, what are you doing?

- Milo, that's enough.

- Wait, wait, wait. I'm not done yet.

- Come on, seriously, let go.

Let go.

- I'm not done.

- Stop.

- Okay, okay, are you ready?

- I'm sorry. Okay.

'Cause this is serious stuff here.

A few more seconds.

Give that to me! Give it to me.

Spit. Spit in there.

- Sorry, I think this is broken.

- Oh, my...

Milo, stop.

That thing, you gotta

have that thing fixed.

My God!

You know what?

You need to take the edge off.

Yeah, right. No.

Everybody's doing it. If you don't do it,

no one will ever talk to you.

I'm not doing it.

Ross is doing it, Tina's doing it,

Emily's doing it, Casey's doing it.

- Shannon is doing it.

- Shannon cannot be doing it.

- Eric T. and Eric S.

- Eric T. and Eric S., too?

Eric S. and Eric T. are both doing it.

I'm not doing it.

I have a very serious question for you.

Will you go to prom with me?

I think you're gassy.

It's okay, this won't hurt. Ready?

- That hurt?

- Your elbow went into my arm muscle.

"Your elbow went into

my arm muscle, mister."

"Your elbow went

into my arm muscle, mister.

"Oh, my paper route's gonna be screwed."

I'm getting out of here.

- That was a good joke.

- Thanks.

- I have to tell you something, Maggie.

Rate this script:4.5 / 2 votes