The Small Back Room Page #3

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Does, uh, Mair want a knighthood?

- No, I shouldn't think so.

- Well, then who wants what?

Come on. It's pretty obvious

that somebody wants something.

Who's the ambitious boy? Waring?

You're all right. Everybody knows that.

You're the brains of the outfit.

Waiter. The bill.

Bertha, give the bill to

my civil service friend, will you?

Yes, Mr. Rice. John.

- What are you getting at?

- Sammy...

I want you to meet

a very important man... tonight.

Uh-uh. Not tonight.

Never on a Wednesday night.

I have a very important conference

every Wednesday night at the Hickory Tree.

- Waiter!

- Sir?

Oh, never mind.

- I thought you were never coming.

- I didn't leave the office until 8:00.

- What's wrong, Sammy?

- Nothing. But you know how I hate being alone.

- Well, did R.B. Cough up the tulips?

- Oh, yes. He's a man of his word.

- What did you do with them?

- Put them on my desk.

What else should I do with them?

Couldn't find it in your heart to slap his face

sometime when he does that stuff, could you?

- I can't afford luxuries.

- You could get another job.

Would you rather I did?

He doesn't paw or anything.

I should hope not.

So should I.

But, you see, darling,

he doesn't know about us.

Sue...

you could have

such a good time without me.

I take things from you

with both hands.

I always have...

and I always will.

I keep kicking this foot of mine, and...

when I have a bad patch,

I like someone to flutter around...

so that I can be

a perfect swine to them.

And you seem to like it.

But one of these days

you're going to get tired of it.

And when you do...

I want you to be able to put the whole thing

in the wastepaper basket...

and forget about it in 10 seconds.

Wouldn't it be silly to break up

something we both like doing...

only because you think I don't like it?

Yes.

You've got it all worked out

in the way women always have.

They don't worry about anything

except being alive or dead.

And being dead to them

means beginning to smell.

Yes. You take it,

and you make what you want of it.

I don't know why we trouble

to come out at all, Sue.

Let's have an economy campaign

and stay in for a few weeks.

I'll take you up on that.

Hello. I say, our last economy

campaign's not finished yet.

I could have told you that.

- Quick. Talk to me.

- Why? Who is it?

It's Gillian. She's an incendiary bomb.

"'I never nursed a dear gazelle,

to glad me with its soft black eye. "' Um...

- "'And when it came to know me well... "'

- "'... and love me, it was sure to die. "'

Why, Suel Fancy meeting you here

after all these years.

Well, I am surprised.

How are you, darling?

Darling, this is Norval.

Norval, do come here.

You must know each other.

- Norval, this is Sue.

- How do?

How do you do?

Mr. Rice.

- How do you do?

- How do you do?

What a piece of luck,

dropping on you, darling.

I simply dragged Norval here.

You see, he's a simply whizzer dancer...

and has the foulest contempt for any

ordinary two-footed person like little me.

Susan's the best dancer I know.

It would be good for you to dance

with anyone as good as Susan, you snake.

- Care to?

- I don't think so. Thanks.

Oh, but, darling.

Darling, you must dance with Norval.

Dancing with Norval is an experience.

He's marvelousl He isl Really.

Go on, Sue. One shouldn't miss

experiences like that.

- I don't dance.

- Not at all?

I'm a long-distance sitter-out.

They make a perfect pair, don't they?

Why don't you dance, Mr. Rice?

It's very easy.

- Too old and too lazy.

- It'll be nice for Susan.

- A lot of things would be nice for Susan.

- But you ought to dance.

Why?

Men and women are all the same

when they dance.

Crowhurst! Crowhurst!

Soldier!

Come on, Sammy. We've only got a few minutes.

I've sent Rose out for some whisky.

You know, there isn't even a drink in the place.

Old Mair couldn't sell life insurance to a ghost.

- I'll ring you back.

- Don't tell me the commission's coming.

Commission? What commission?

The minister's coming.

He'll be here at any minute.

The old man's bringing him.

Now you've got to put on a show, Sammy.

Find something he'll understand.

- You gonna have the cap in, sir?

- Yes, I think so.

- A bit queer, isn't it, sir?

- He won't know any different.

Do you think it'll, uh,

amuse the m-m-minister, sir?

Sure to. Probably never

heard of a photoelectric cell.

Uh, sh-shall we clean up, sir?

No. Put out all the fuses you've got.

The more the merrier.

- What's that for?

- Mair's office. My tulips.

- This one too.

- I've mocked up that phony experiment for you, Sammy.

Oh, thanks. Till, come and be the minister.

Ask some intelligent questions.

Oh. That looks very nice, Mr. Rice.

Uh, what, uh, is it?

Now this, Mr. Minister, is part of

some experiments we're carrying out...

- to produce a new gas by a

process of distillation. - Mm-hmm.

Now I can quite easily demonstrate

its efficacy for you by...

placing a piece of ordinary

cotton wool in this bowl.

Oh, come on, Tilly.

Play up. Take an interest.

And then you will see that by the addition

of just one drop of this liquid...

it becomes instantly combustible.

Ooh! I say. He ought to love that.

It's a shame we haven't a few paper chains

and a bunch of mistletoe for the old boy.

Hey! Here they come!

Uh, this way, Minister.

Very good. You know,

you get a bottle of wine there.

I always think that helps nowadays.

Ah. Good morning, gentlemen.

So these are the back room boys, eh?

- Yes. This is where all the work is done.

- Yes. Not very luxurious, is it?

Still, I always say the barer the room

the better the work.

- I must remember that.

- It was the best we could get.

Oh, that looks nice.

What's that?

- That, uh, well...

- Sammy, what is this?

Oh, this, Mr. Minister, is part of a series

of experiments we're conducting...

to produce a new gas,

uh, by a process of distillation.

I can demonstrate its efficacy

for you quite easily...

by placing a piece of ordinary

cotton wool in this bowl.

And, uh, then you'll see that by the addition

of just one single drop of this liquid...

Uh, I shouldn't stand

quite so close, if I were you, sir.

Uh, it becomes immediately combustible.

- Oh, that's funny.

- Oh, well, I expect you'll get it right soon.

That's better.

- Uh, do you mind, Minister?

- No, no. Carry on. Carry on.

- Professor Mair's research section.

- Is that you, darling?

Is that you, Joe?

I want to talk toJoe.

Wrong number.

- Oh, that's a Cambridge spark galvanometer.

- Oh, Cambridge. Yes.

Oh, and that little monster...

is that another invention of yours?

Oh, no, no, no.

That's an electric calculating machine.

- Does sums, sir.

- Oh, really, really.

Oh, well, we must give it something to do.

Uh, divide, uh, 5162 by, um, eight.

That's 645.25, sir.

Oh, yes, but you mustn't keep a dog

and bark yourself, you know.

Check it up. Check it up.

Oh, I say. That's really first class.

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