The Small Back Room Page #4

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I must have a go at this.

Uh, now then, let's give it

something really difficult.

- One by 17.

- Is that difficult?

Oh, well, we can soon see.

You have to clear it first, sir.

You set up one there,

and you bang out 17 there.

Press that, sir.

0588...

- .05, sir.

- .05882352941.

Wonderful.

- And all from one.

- Extraordinary.

I wonder if you'd mind

writing that down for me.

I should like to take it home to my wife.

They like it so much, you know,

if you take a real interest.

- There you are, Minister.

- Oh, thank you very much.

I wish you could invent me something

that would write speeches. Good ones.

Ah, yes.

Or answer questions in the House for you.

Yes, that'd be even better.

Well, it's been most interesting.

Thank you so much, gentlemen.

Most interesting.

Uh, oh.

I was with the prime minister last night.

I thought perhaps you'd

like to know he's, uh, very confident.

I'll tell you another place

where they give you a very good meal.

- Now, if you mention...

- Oh, no. This way, Minister.

Yes, yes, yes.

- Hello?

- Hello, darling!

- Hello, Madeleine, darling.

- Joe, was that you just now?

No. Of course it wasn't me.

A minister of the crown...

and he's never seen

a calculating machine before.

- I saw Pinker at lunch.

- He's a gremlin.

- Says the minister's on his way out.

- Nonsense.

Let them off first, please.

What if he does go?

Pretty obvious, isn't it?

- You know, if the minister goes, the old man goes.

- Well, you don't have to go too.

But I like working for him. It wouldn't

be the same working for anyone else.

You could do it as well

as anyone else... better.

- I couldn't run a fruit machine.

- Oh, you say so. I say you could.

Darling, I'm sorry.

Let's stand.

I can't sit any longer.

I must have a drink.

Ask me to have a drink, woman.

Have a drink, Sammy.

Whisky?

No, thanks, Susan.

I'll have some of my nice medicine.

Sammy.

Darling.

Do you want dinner?

Do you?

Let it ring.

Hello, Snowball.

It's like a nasty, vicious little man.

It's like Pinker.

Who cares?

Oh, Sammy, it might be Stuart.

Oh, blast.

Blast and blast.

- Yes?

- Telegrams.

- Yes.

- Telegram for Rice.

- Yes.

- Message reads:

"Bala, B-A-L-A, North Wales,

as soon as you can.

Signed Stuart. "

- Shall I repeat that?

- No, thanks. You've done the damage.

- Pardon?

- Granted.

Oh, Sue.

Where on earth is Bala?

That's the place up there, sir.

Mr. Rice, Dr. Ellis.

Very glad to meet you, Mr. Rice.

Very glad indeed.

Who is he?

- Field gunner.

- Pretty young.

Only 19, Mr. Rice.

Poor boy. Poor boy.

Is he badly hurt?

Lord, yes.

The only wonder is he's still alive.

He's as near dead as a human being

can be and still be alive. Yes, indeed.

Has he told you anything yet?

He was conscious for two minutes last night

and another few seconds this morning.

- Were you with him all night?

- Only thing to do.

- Any chance, Doctor?

- No, no. He's fading out. Just fading out.

Extraordinary he's lasted so long.

Extraordinary thing,

the human body.

- Yes, indeed.

- How much has he told you?

The thing was lying in the heather.

It was a cylinder about 18 inches long

and a few inches in diameter.

It looked just like a big flashlight.

Some of it was black

and some bright red.

I didn't get that bit very clear,

but it was certainly plastic.

Did he pick it up?

He hasn't said yet.

I don't think he heard my questions.

He said he first wanted

to leave it alone and report it.

The rest of his battery

were waiting for him on the road.

And then he was afraid

he'd be laughed at as a sissy.

Go and turn in. I'll watch.

What do we ask him,

if we get the chance?

Sooner or later we'll get one of

these things to play with.

We must know

some of the things not to do.

Did he pick it up

or put his hand near it?

And if he picked it up,

was it by the end or by the middle?

Here you are, Captain Stuart.

Quickly.

Look, old man. Did you pick it up?

Did you pick it up?

Try to tell us. It's very important.

Did you pick it up, old man?

Can I do any harm now?

- No.

- Peterson, open your eyes and listen to me!

Did you pick the thing up,

or did you not?

Come on now. Tell me.

Did you pick it up?

- Come on. Speak up, man.

- Yes.

You did?

By the end or by the middle?

By the end or by the middle?

Sir...

- I think he's dead.

- Aye. He's gone.

You got something

of what you wanted?

Excuse me.

Go with him, Mr. Rice.

He... He's had enough.

Aye. Enough indeed.

Hello, Sammy.

Hello, Sue.

Got good ears, haven't you?

Got to have anything,

you better have them good.

How'd you get on?

Drew a blank. No sleep, no soap,

no towel, no breakfast.

- I'm just going to make tea.

- Good.

Stuart all right?

- Why? Interested?

- I like him.

- He's got guts.

- And bright blue eyes.

And two feet.

Now you're six years old.

Don't like it.

- Is Taylor in yet?

- Oh, he's just come in, sir.

Good.

Out, you. Excuse me, sir.

- Could I have a word with you in confidence?

- Of course.

It's about Taylor, sir.

He's been very idle lately. I'm afraid we're

gonna have a bit of trouble with him, sir.

- Trouble with Taylor?

- Trouble at home, sir.

Oh, I see.

- You mean his wife.

- I thought I ought to report it, sir.

- Are you sure that's what it is?

- Why, it's all over the place.

Drink and men and so on.

You know, Taylor's

a very innocent chap, sir.

Mmm. I saw her once.

Must say, she didn't look much like

the vicar's daughter.

Just what I said to myself, sir.

I took one look at her,

and I said, "Hello. "

Sidney, Sergeant Major Rose

would like a word with you.

Yes, sir.

Taylor. I'd like your opinion

as a fuse king.

Y- Yes, sir.

Sit down.

- Thank you, sir.

- If you wanted to blow me up...

and you were going to use, um...

that as a booby trap,

what sort of fuse would you use?

Oh, there are s-s-several

things I could do, sir.

A simple clock, of course.

It might go off

while I was out of the room.

Hmm. W-Would you be

I- likely to touch it, sir?

I might.

It could be arranged...

so that the I...

lifting of the lid operated the fuse, sir.

That could be either...

ooh, electrical...

or m... me... mechanical

or c-chemical.

Yes, but suppose I won't lift the lid.

Well, what I should do...

is use a t-t-trembler, sir.

That'd work as soon as you

m- m-moved the box.

Otherwise, a-a pho... photoelectric cell.

Only, of course, this thing

w- wouldn't be large enough.

Could you fix it so that you could throw it

through the window and it'd go off later?

Uh, could you fudge up a photoelectric fuse

in a thing a little larger in size...

that'd work any way up

and not be damaged by dropping it?

W- Way up. Yes.

Damage is no problem.

S... Space a little doubtful.

I see.

All right. Thank you, Taylor.

Any... Anything else, sir?

Yes. Is there anything wrong with you?

I understand you're having

a certain amount of trouble at home.

- Y-Yes, sir.

- Your wife's not happy?

That's right, sir.

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