The Snapper

---

Wise men say

Only fools rush in

But I can't help

Falling in love with you

Shall I stay

Would it be a sin

If I can't help

What are you looking at?

Not much.

Get out,

you stupid b*tch!

Don't call me a b*tch!

I'm gonna batter you!

Aah!

You're dead!

You better not touch me,

Sonny Curley!

I've witnesses!

What did you do to him?

Nothing! I just gave him

a piece of advice!

I dare ya.

I bleedin' dare ya.

I told him to stop

fiddlin' with himself...

when he thought there

was no one looking!

I'll batter you!

Sorry. You'll have

to make an appointment.

You're dead!

Is that a fact?

Very interesting.

Shut up!

You're dead.

I'm telling Ma!

If you tell Ma...

Where you going?

Piss off! Don't!

You're what?

You heard me.

Oh, my Jesus.

You're pregnant, you said?

Yeah.

That's lovely, that is.

You sure?

Yeah. Sort of.

- What?

- Yeah.

Positive now?

You're only nineteen.

- I'm twenty.

- You're only twenty.

I know what age I am.

Don't start getting

snotty with me.

I should be getting

snotty with you.

Sorry.

It's shocking, that is.

What do you think?

- I don't know.

- That the best you can do?

Well, what do you think?

I don't know.

I should give out, I suppose...

or throw a wobbler

or something...

but what's the point?

I mean, if she was...

You should have

come to us earlier.

Before, you know, when...

said you were

gonna get pregnant...

then we could've done

something about it.

My God.

You're positive, now?

Absolutely certain? Shh.

Molly, my Irish Molly

Good girl.

What's that on your face?

Shaving foam.

Oh. Well, fair enough.

My Irish Molly,

when you are near

Who was it?

What? I don't know.

Ah, now, Jesus...

- No, I do know.

- Well?

I'm not telling.

Now, look...

Jesus, do you hear that?

Gobshite!

Now, don't start that.

Just tell us.

- I can't.

- Why not?

- I just can't, right?

- Well, is he married?

No, he's not.

Well, that's something

I suppose.

Ah, Kay... Jesus,

stop it, will you?

The music getting to you,

is it?

They're inside

watching the telly.

Go on, get in there.

Go. Get in.

Go on.

Will he marry you?

No, I don't think so.

Ooh, the louser.

That's cheatin', that is.

- It's not a game.

- I know that, Kay.

I mean, it's his fault

as much as Sharon's...

isn't it, whoever he is.

I mean, it was his flute that...

You've the filthiest mouth!

Ah, lay off, Kay, will you?

I'm being harassed!

You just move!

Look, do you want to keep it?

What do you mean?

Do you want to...

He wants to know

do you want an abortion?

I do not!

There's no way

I'm having an abortion!

Good, you're right!

You definitely won't

tell us who it is?

No! Sorry.

Well, there's no more

to be said, is there?

She's obviously

made her mind up.

A man needs a pint

after all that.

Hang on a second.

Yes, love?

Is that all?

What do you mean?

It's a terrible...

the neighbors!

Do you care what

the neighbors think?

Yes, I do.

Sure, the O'Neill young ones

are after having kids.

The pair of them.

And the Bells

would be the same...

except they don't

have any daughters...

but you know what I mean.

Tara O'Neill had her baby

for Paddy Bell.

Of course she did.

So f*** the neighbors.

You coming for a drink, Sharon?

- No, thanks, Da.

- Come on.

All right.

Good girl.

How about you, Kay?

Ah, no.

I'll slip on up to bed.

I'd come up with ya...

only I've an awful throat

on me.

Cheerio now... Grannie.

Ohh, Molly

My Irish Molly

My sweet acushla dear

I'm fairly off my trolley

My Irish Molly,

when you are near

Still think you should

tell us who the da is.

You can think away, then.

Your mummy took it very well.

Yeah. She was great.

She's a bit old-fashioned,

you know.

Set in her ways.

Yeah.

No, she was great.

So were you.

Ahh.

Those your pals over there?

Yeah.

Go on over to them.

I'll be all right on me own.

Ah, no.

Go on. You might as well.

I'll be grand.

I can always

slip downstairs.

I was so embarrassed,

I was scarlet.

I'm not joking yous,

I was burnin'!

How are yous?

- Go on.

- How are you, Sharon?

He was holding the eclair

in his hand like this.

The place was full,

and he says...

"Why did you rob the cream

out of me eclair?"

- The head on him, Jesus!

- And did you rob it?

Well, I paid for

the bleedin' thing.

Why shouldn't I have?

I told him to cop on.

"I seen ya," he says,

"with your finger. "

So I gave him the finger.

I'd shag the elephant man before

I'd let him near me again.

The prick.

Here, young fella!

Give us three vodkas, two cokes,

and a glass of Furstenberg.

Have you got that now, chicken?

Hey, handsome, give us a packet

of crisps as well, will ya?

And do you have any nuts?

Whoo! You dirty b*tch!

I'm only messing with you.

He's a nice

little bum on him...

like two eggs in a hankie.

He'll be nice-looking

when he's older, won't he?

Are you going to break it off

with him anyway?

Yeah.

I was giving the matter

my serious consideration.

Then when I saw him

sulking, Jesus!

He was very good-looking,

though. Very handsome.

Not really, Mary.

Not when you got

up close to him.

Beauty's only skin deep.

It wasn't even that deep, Mary.

He'd loads of little spots

on his chin.

Tiny, little ones, now.

Millions of them!

Only noticed 'em when you

were right up against them...

then you want to throw up.

He was thick as well.

Come here, Jackie.

Was he passionate?

No! But he thought he was.

You know what I mean?

He was just a big, thick monkey.

Looking for somewhere

to stick his banana, what?

Ha! Yvonne Burgess!

He stuck his tongue

in me ear once...

and I'm not joking yous.

He was trying to get it

out the other one.

Don't know what he

thought I had in there.

His sense of direction

wasn't the best, either.

- Know what I mean?

- Jackie O'Keefe!

You're bleedin' disgusting,

you are!

Any news, Sharon?

No. Not really.

"Then the discharge...

"becomes yellow and offensive.

"Any infected discharge...

"may also result

in soreness...

"or actual irritation...

"at the entrance

of the vagina. "

Jesus, me fanny!

"It's only

the unfortunate few...

"who suffer severe nausea...

"or recurrent vomiting. "

Sharon, it's not fair!

You've been in there ages!

Get out of there.

You leave Sharon alone.

You all right in there,

Sharon?

Yeah. Coming.

Ah, no, no. There's no hurry.

No, I've been in already.

Ohh...

Jesus, what were you

drinking last night?

I'm going back to bed.

Ah, yeah, go on. Good girl.

I'll go on without you, what?

- What's up with her?

- You shut your mouth.

Get in there

and get your clothes on.

Go down to get

your breakfast...

and get a bleedin' job

for yourself, right?

Sharon, we're going

to have to tell them.

Stop it, will yous?

Keep it... here, give me that.

Hey! Shh!

Now... stop it.

Are yous all listening?

I'm in hurry.

Will you get on with it?

Shut up!

He has to sit on the wall

all day and do nothin'.

You go and shite you,

you stupid b*tch... what?

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