The Snapper Page #2

---

Don't you "what" me,

Sonny Curley.

No language like that

in this house.

- Exactly!

- Don't start, you.

- You never hit her!

- I do so!

I'm not taking this!

Have a nice day!

You better watch yourself...

or you'll find yourself...

packing your shampoo

and spot creams.

I'm sorry, you'll have to

discuss it with my solicitor.

Don't you start.

Now...

Sharon has

a bit of news for yous.

I can't help it.

I'm sorry, Sharon.

Go on, love.

I'm going to have a baby.

- That's massive, Sharon.

- Is that all?

Women, what?

Right.

Where's your bump?

They'll drive Sharon spare.

That's a weed there. Look.

She belched there,

inside with the telly.

Kimberley asked her

if she was gonna have the baby.

I don't know.

It's hard to believe

you can get so much shite...

out of only one dog, isn't it?

- Dessie?

- Huh?

Do you not think

we should tell the girls...

what Sharon did was wrong?

What?

I don't mean turn them

against her or anything...

Or the baby, remember.

- Yes, I know that. But...

- What?

I think we should tell them.

Without, you know...

I think we should tell them...

that it's better to be married

if you're pregnant.

Jeez, they're a bit young,

aren't they?

I mean, Lisa, maybe.

You'll need a shears for that.

What were you thinking

of telling them?

Do you think we should?

Whatever you think

yourself, Kay.

I'm only their da.

They'll laugh at me.

Times have changed.

Jesus, where did

she leave her cop-on?

Did she never

hear of contraception?

Do you remember that

crombie coat you used to have?

What?

Do you remember the coat?

- No.

- You do so!

You used to keep it spotless

except for your dandruff.

- I didn't have dandruff.

- You did so!

After you bought it,

you stopped trying...

to get me to go into

the fields with you.

It was

the best contraceptive...

ever invented, that coat.

It's in the attic.

How are ya?

How are ya, Sharon?

I'm pregnant.

Did I tell yous?

Ha ha ha!

Yeah, well, I am.

She's bleedin' serious!

- Well done, Sharon.

- Thanks, Jackie.

Yeah, Sharon. Congrats.

Thanks, Mary.

Well done, Sharon,

ya thick b*tch, ya.

Jesus, though, Sharon.

I know.

It's terrible, really.

- How long you gone, Sharon?

- Sixteen weeks.

You don't look it.

I do.

I won't argue.

You're the expert.

I'm only messin'.

I'll start getting bigger

in a few weeks.

You can hang around

with someone else then.

No fellas'll come near us

if one of us is pregnant.

So, Sharon,

who you havin' it for?

I can't tell. Sorry.

Sharon. Give us a hint.

- No.

- Just a little one.

Do we know him?

You're scarlet.

We must know him.

Is he married?

- Jesus!

- No, he's not.

I'll bet you he is.

- Is he in here?

- Jesus, Yvonne!

Would you do it

with anyone here?

I was only asking!

You're right, though.

Sorry for insulting you, Sharon.

Seriously, though, Sharon.

Do we really not know him?

No. Swear to God.

Where did yous...

Look, I don't want

to talk about it, all right?

Let's get pissed, will we?

Oh, yeah.

Young Sharon's after

getting herself up the pole.

Your Sharon, like?

Yeah. Gas, isn't it?

But she's not married.

I know that.

Who did the damage?

We don't know.

She won't tell us.

You'd want to find out,

wouldn't you?

Excuse me, compadre.

What's it to you who it was?

I couldn't give a shite

who it was.

I'm not gonna buy the food,

the nappies...

or the little bleedin'

track suits.

Dessie is!

I am in me hole!

Hang on a sec.

Maybe I will, what?

Ah, so what? I don't care.

It's only a baby.

Snapper, what?

Compadre...

I can let you have

some very good baby clothes.

Mucho goodo stuff. Benetton.

- Ha ha! Benetton.

- Very competitive price.

Sorry, lads.

Will you take a few

of these raffle tickets off me?

What for?

This.

We need a new set of jerseys

for the under-fifteen lads.

They've all grown bigger

since the start of the season.

Here, we'll take a few

for Sharon's snapper, will we?

That's a very good idea.

No!

Here you go, Georgie. Here.

There.

Thanks very much, lads.

That's great.

Oh, give a little. Helps a lot.

- Gobshite.

- Absolutely.

Listen...

Do you think

she'll get married?

What's that?

Oh, no. No.

Jesus, no.

They've more cop-on

these days, eh?

I mean,

would you get married...

if you were that age

again... these days?

- What?

- I think I'm going to cry.

Anyway, I wouldn't want Sharon

getting married that young.

She's her whole life

ahead of her.

Exactly.

Unless she drinks an iffy pint.

Having a baby's the most

natural thing in the world.

- That's right!

- Oh, good shite!

Ol, ol, ol, ol

Ol, ol

Whoo!

Was it Dessie Delaney?

- No!

- I was only askin'!

Well, don't!

I'm not tellin', so feck off!

Was it Billy Delaney, then?

Sharon Curley's

pregnant, did you hear?

Sharon Curley's up the pole.

Sharon Curley's having a baby.

I don't believe you!

Jesus!

Jesus! Are you serious?

Who's she having it for?

I don't know.

She won't say.

She doesn't know. Ha ha ha!

She can't remember!

That's shocking!

Dirty b*tch.

Mmm. Poor Sharon.

The slut!

I don't believe her.

The stupid b*tch.

She had that coming.

Serves her right.

Ah, poor Sharon.

Let's see her get

into those jeans now.

Are you all right, Sharon?

Are you all right, Sharon?

- Now?

- Yeah.

Aw, God almighty.

Jesus, Sharon.

You'll soon be

the same shape as me, what?

Thanks very much.

Now I've got to know

what is and isn't mine

He's coming! He's coming!

If you received my letter

We should have met him

at the airport.

Not at all.

Then you'll know

just what to do

If you still want me

If

You still want me

Well, tie a yellow ribbon

'Round the old oak tree

It's been three long years

Do you still want me?

Still want me

If I don't see a ribbon

'Round the old oak tree

I'll stay on the bus

Forget about us

Put the blame on me

Craig, love.

Sharon's having a baby.

Is that right?

That's right, yeah.

Who was it? Do you want me

to sort him out for you?

Sure, I already offered...

Grow up, will you?

No bullets?

No.

Well, what's the point

of giving you a gun...

if they don't give

you Jesus bullets?

So we wouldn't shoot anyone.

I thought that was the point.

How else you supposed

to keep the bleedin' peace?

That's crazy, that is.

It was no joke, all right?

You had to look

straight at 'em.

- Who?

- The Arabs.

Straight at them.

Straight into their eyes.

Mesmerize them.

Easier said than done,

I'd say.

Who are you telling?

Thanks.

Hit me, will you?

Get out!

Hey, Sharon.

You forgot your piss. Urine.

Da!

Next time you try that,

you better watch it.

For God's sake, are you daft?

He's not only daft.

He's such a roving eye for

everybody in this hospital.

Did you see him?

Every young student doctor...

She wanted to know

my menstrual history.

I didn't know what she was

talking about till she told me.

I felt like

a right bleedin'eejit.

Why didn't she

just say "your periods"?

We'll weigh you now, Sharon.

Doctors are always like that.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes