The Snapper Page #3

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"Menstrual history. "

I got a "C" in that

in me inter.

How are your movements?

Not bad. How's yours?

There's the heartbeat now.

See it?

Yeah.

Only one heart.

What?

There aren't twins in there.

Oh, yeah.

That there is a leg.

See it?

Oh, yeah.

Sharon?

Why didn't you

come in this morning?

Had a checkup.

I swapped with Mona.

You should be on check...

Ask her.

You should be on check-out now.

I can't do it!

Why not?

'Cause I have to keep

going to the toilet!

Why aren't you in uniform?

It doesn't fit me anymore!

He must be

a right f***ing bastard!

I know what I'd have told him.

He blushed.

You should've seen him.

Just 'cause I said "toilet. "

Is he good-looking, Sharon?

Ah, you're joking me.

You know Roland the rat?

Well, he looks like him,

only not as nice.

He asked me why I wasn't

wearing me uniform...

so I stuck out me belly...

and I said,

"It doesn't fit me anymore!"

You were dead right, Sharon.

You should've stuck

one of your tits...

in his mouth as well.

You should see

the state of me nipples.

Jesus.

Frank Kinsella's a ride,

isn't he?

- It wasn't him.

- I didn't say he...

It wasn't him.

It wasn't his brother.

It wasn't my brother.

It wasn't Bart Simpson.

It wasn't anybody.

Now get off me bleedin' back,

will ya? I'm sick of it!

- She didn't...

- You keep out of it, right!

He is a ride, though, isn't he?

Frank Kinsella.

B*tch.

What's that that's on, Sharon?

- Yachting.

- Ah, good shite.

Would you look at

that f***ing eejit?

Can you not just say eejit?

That's what I did say.

Where are you going?

- Toilet.

- Jesus, again?

Me uterus is pressing

into me bladder.

Ah, now stop that, Sharon!

I don't want to hear

that sort of thing!

It's not right.

Sorry.

It's OK.

Where's the remote?

Da?

No, you can't have a bike.

It's not his birthday

for ages yet, is it?

Oh, Jesus.

There's nothing

on the telly tonight, is there?

There's never anything on.

Oh, you're right, of course...

but there's absolutely

nothing on tonight, is there?

I suppose a ride

is out of the question?

Hang on till

I get this line done.

You serious?

I suppose so.

F***ing great.

You're not messing now?

No.

Just let me finish

the next line.

I'll go up

and brush me teeth.

That'll be nice.

Come on,

up on the stools, everybody.

I've an announcement to make.

Quick.

Come on, move it,

move it, will yous?

Come on!

Quick, get up there!

Would you take it easy?

Get her down off that.

People have to eat at the...

Get her off the stool!

Shut up! Shut up!

Happy birthday, Darren.

Happy birthday, Darren.

Yeah, good lad.

There you go, what.

- What is it?

- Open it and see.

It's not a bike.

He's brilliant, isn't he?

I know that!

- Ooh, wow.

- Very nice.

It's a pump.

It's a very good one, too.

See, I'm gonna get you a wheel

for your Christmas...

and another wheel

for your next birthday...

and then the saddle, what.

Ha ha ha ha.

You can pump yourself

to school every morning now.

Go away, you.

Yous are messing.

We are, of course.

Kay, when you're ready.

Dee dee dee

diddly dee dee dee...

- Ohh!

- Whoa!

It's a beauty, isn't it?

Get yourself up on that.

Go on.

What?

It's a Stephen Roche special.

Oh, yous are still messing.

'Course we are.

Dee dee dee

diddly dee dee dee...

Whoa! Ohh!

Whoa, ho ho ho!

Throw your leg

over that one, what.

- Sorry, Sharon.

- It's a Raleigh!

'Course. Only the best.

It's not the best, though.

Peugot are.

You ungrateful little bollix.

Give me that back.

- No, give it!

- Give me that back!

I want to keep it, Dad.

Give it!

It's a bit embarrassing,

really.

But I heard him

talking about Sharon.

Your Sharon, like, on Sunday.

What was he saying

about Sharon?

He said she was

a great little ride.

My God.

What...

You wouldn't want to be

listening to that fella.

I only told you 'cause...

I don't know

why I told you, really.

You were right.

It's pathetic.

A grown man talking like that.

Exactly.

Just 'cause she's up the pole.

Exactly.

It's stupid.

Yeah.

You wouldn't

want to be getting...

worked up about it.

Still, though...

It's just...

I heard something.

I thought I should warn you.

- Warn me?

- Yeah, warn you.

You know your man,

George Burgess?

What about Mr. Burgess?

He was saying things.

Not to me face.

It was Lester who told me.

He was saying things...

about you being pregnant.

What was he saying?

He said...

he said you were

a great little ride.

So Lester says, anyway.

Lester wouldn't make a thing

up like that, would he?

Jesus, no.

Not Lester. Never.

Ah, well...

You're not upset, are you?

No. Being called a ride's...

a bit of a compliment,

really, isn't it?

Jesus, I don't know about that.

Anyway, he shouldn't be

saying things like that.

Sure, men are always saying

things like that about girls.

But not about daughters.

Don't be thick, Da.

All girls are daughters.

Well, not my f***ing daughters,

then.

That's hypocritical.

I don't give a shite

what it is.

He has daughters of his own.

That young one, your friend.

Yvonne?

Yeah, that's right.

It's shocking!

I don't want some

fat little f***er...

insulting any of my family.

Especially not you.

You're me knight

in shining armor.

Ah, don't start that.

I just thought

I should let you know.

Is your daddy there?

Yeah.

Can I see him

for a minute?

He's still having his tea.

Is it George you want, Sharon?

Yeah, Mrs. Burgess.

About Darren. He's sick.

Ah. Go on

into the lounge, love.

She's in here, is she?

Yeah.

What the hell do you think

you're up to, you little b*tch?

What do you think you're up to,

you little bastard?

What?

What did you say

about me to your friends?

I didn't say anything to anyone.

You said I was a ride.

I'm a great little ride.

I was only joking.

You got your hole.

What else did you say?

Nothing.

Not another thing.

I swear on the Bible.

Sure, they'd never

believe I got me...

had... with you.

They'd think I was joking.

If you ever blab out

and tell anyone again...

I'll tell Mrs. Burgess

what you did. I will.

L... I won't. D-don't worry.

I'm sorry.

So you should be.

I don't mind being pregnant...

but I do mind people knowing

who made me pregnant.

Hang on a sec.

I'll be back in a minute.

- How are you, Sharon?

- How ya, Yvonne?

Where's me dad?

He went out to get

something for Darren.

Oh. Me hair.

I'll see you later

in the pub, all right?

Yeah. See you later.

Ah, Yvonne. You saw Sharon.

Darren is sick.

We'll miss him on Saturday.

He's turned into

a right good little goalkeeper.

That was close.

That's for yourself, Sharon.

Do you think I'm a prostitute,

Mr. Burgess?

God, no! Jesus, no!

It's not the way

you think, Sharon.

Oh, shite.

No, i-it's a present.

No hard feelings.

We both made a mistake.

We were both stupid.

Now, go and buy yourself

a few sweets, uh, drinks.

You're an awful bleedin' eejit,

Mr. Burgess.

Put your tenner

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