The Somewhat Normal Life Of Billie Boi (0.5th Draft) Page #6

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Sam:
I have never seen one of these before.

Bill:
I call the actual bed.

Lo:
Woah, That’s my bed--!

Bill:
I’ve got a cat.

Lo:
Oh yeah.

Sam (getting in one): Jesus, My friend back in high school said these were good, No they’re not.

Lo (attempting to blow up his): I can tell you my opinion about them when I get this one ready.

Bill is sitting on the bed, petting Tilly in his lap.

Bill (laughing):
Oh, You fools.

We cut to Sam, Bill and Lo all asleep in their 3 beds. Lo then sees if they’re awake.

Lo (looking at Bill’s snot-filled nose, whispering): Jesus, Use a tissue, man.

We cut to him putting up a Christmas Tree.

Lo (putting the star up): There we go--

It falls on him.

Lo:
Mother--

The star falls on his head.

Lo:
You’ve got to be kidding me.

We cut to Lo putting presents down, The Tree is up. He then begins yelling as he sees it is snowing, and he wants to wake up Tilly, Sam and Bill.

Lo:
OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! SANTA! SANTA!

Bill and Tilly run in.

Bill:
What the--?!

Sam walks.

Sam:
I was about to take a shower--

They see Lo pointing at the Christmas Tree with all the gifts under it.

Bill:
Jesus Christ.

Lo:
I got us all a little something!

Sam (Looking at a huge box with Tilly’s name on it): Little?

Sam and Bill sit near the tree, Lo passes out them some gifts.

Lo (giving Tilly a treat): Here ya go!

Bill:
I thought you hated cats--

Lo:
A man can change Bill.

Bill:
I guess so.

Sam (opening up a box fan): How did you know?

Lo:
What?

Sam:
I’ve been wanting one of these!

Lo:
Seriously?

Sam:
Really!

Bill (opening up a box of cat food): This was for me?

Lo:
Oh, I meant to give that to Tilly!

Lo hands Bill the small box that has For Tilly on it.

Bill:
Gee, Thanks.

Bill opens it up, it is a sign that says I paid 420$ for This?

Bill:
This, This is amazing.

Lo:
It cost 42$!

Bill:
Did you have a 378$ off discount of something?

Tilly bites the wrapping off a big box that has For Sam on it.

Sam (grabbing Tilly): Tilly!

Sam opens it. It is a huge PC.

Sam:
Jesus Christ.

Lo (Looking over at her): You like it? It was the last one they had.

We open on a man talking to another man. One in a prison cell, and the other is a guard.

Elton (knocking on his cell): Hey. Billie.

Bill (waking up): God-- What?

Elton:
You’ve been bailed out.

Bill:
What?

Elton:
Come on, We’ve got someone else we have to bring in here, Hurry up.

Bill jumps out of his jail bed, and Elton lets him out.

Bill (Putting his hands behind his back): I know the drill.

Elton:
Huh?

Bill (Looking at Elton dumbfounded): Huh?

Elton:
I won’t have to handcuff you as long as you don’t try to kill me.

Bill:
I was 12 back then, I think 12 years talking to you almost everyday made me realize my mistake.

Elton:
I’m a good guy after you get to know me, you know?

Bill chuckles.

Elton:
You were my first arrest.

Bill:
A kid who stole the president’s wig, That must’ve been a fun arrest. That must’ve been a fun trip all the way down here in the south just to let me say goodbye to my parents as I was going to prison.

Elton:
I’ve got a job lined up for you too, if you’re interested.

A card says “two years later” and we cut to Bill at lunch with his boss.

Lo (drinking a cup of coffee): This tastes like ear wax.

Bill laughs.

Bill (eating his soup): The cheese on the pizza tastes like celery with the texture of cheese, pepperoni tastes like paper, the onions taste like wet dog, This is the best pizza I’ve ever ate.

Lo:
Give me a bite!

Bill gives Lo a slice, He eats it, and immediately spits it out as the waitress comes asking if they want a refill.

Lo:
What in god’s name is this?!

Dina:
I’ll check later.

Bill:
You might want to wait.

Dina walks off.

Lo:
The onions taste like hair, The crust has the texture of a rock, The cheese tastes like glue, and the pepperoni, Dear god.

Bill:
Like--

Lo:
Like the taste of a trash bag on a tuesday night.

Bill jumps.

Bill:
Jesus Christ, that sounds like your taste of it was like editible torture.

Lo:
Is there salt on this?

Bill:
Yes.

Lo:
That explains the sand-like taste.

Bill (checking his watch): We gotta get back to work.

Lo (eating his soup): Speak for yourself, I’m ordering all the pizzas!

Bill (getting up): Why would you subject yourself to that?

Lo:
It isn’t everyday I can pay to get tortured.

We cut to Bill in a car dealership, talking to a woman.

Bill:
I’m sorry that your car exploded, but you didn’t buy the warranty--

Heather:
I want a refund!

Bill:
It has been over a month--

Heather:
It is only 32 days!

Bill:
Ugh, Well--

Heather:
I SAID I WANTED A REFUND!

Bill:
You are being really disrespectful--

Heather:
YOU’RE NOT MY BOSS! I WILL TALK TO YOU ANYWAY I WANT!

Bill:
Well, I have nothing to tell you, We can’t replace it or give you a refund, I can give you 10% off any 10 year old truck or food truck of any age though--

Heather:
I. Don’t. Want. A. Freaking. Food. Truck. I. Want. My. Car.

Bill:
Well. I. Can’t. Do. Anything. About. That.

Heather:
I--

Bill:
Excuse me.

He answers the phone.

Bill:
Hello?

Dave:
Yo, Billie boy.

Bill:
Hi, Dave.

Dave:
Can I borrow some money?

Bill:
What?

Dave:
I’ll pay you back on black friday.

Heather:
Can I--

Bill:
I’ll call you back, Dave.

Dave:
Can I--?

Bill hangs up.

Heather:
Just get me my car--!

Bill:
I just said, I can give you a 10% coupon, although we have no trucks older than 9 years old in stock currently, We have several food trucks though--!

Heather (banging the desk he is at): I don’t want a truck! I want my freaking car back!

Bill:
Ugh, What do I have to do to get you to either just buy a freaking food truck, or just freaking leave!

Heather (yelling): GIVE ME A FREAKING CAR!

Bill:
I am sorry, mam, but you’re--

Heather:
No, I’m not! Just get me a freaking car to replace it--

Bill (now yelling): YOU SHUT UP! YOU JUST SHUT UP! I CAN’T GET YOU A FREAKING CAR TO REPLACE YOUR FREAKING DESTROYED ONE! I AM SORRY, MAM, BUT I CANNOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT THAT! SO JUST FREAKING LEAVE--!

Lo (his boss):
What in god’s name is going on here?!

Heather:
He is refusing to replace my car even though it has been a month! Now, He’s yelling at me!

Bill:
It was 32 days! 32 freaking days!

Lo:
Bill, Bill, Tomorrow is the week of thanksgiving, Why are you yelling at her? Come in my office right now.

Bill:
But--

Lo:
Now.

We cut to Bill in Lo’s office.

Lo:
Bill, You’ve been tense for a while, now--

Bill:
I wasn’t tense! You told me the second the month ends, she’s out on her--

Lo:
I know, I know, but the numbers are down, and we need--

Bill:
Need, Freaking greed is the word, you know!

Lo:
Can I speak--?

Bill:
No, What you’re doing is wrong! You told me--

Lo:
Okay, Bill, Just shut up, just freaking shut up. Shut up for once in your freaking pointless existence.

Bill looks shocked, and Lo sighs.

Lo:
Bill, I’m afraid I’m having to let you go.

Bill:
WHAT?!

Lo:
Originally, I wasn’t going to let the higher ups make me fire you, but after seeing that, and checking camera footage of you for the past 2 weeks, I think they’re right to make me fire you. Especially after you yelling, and fussing about god knows what.

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