The Squeeze

1

Damn it!

Ralph?

It didn't work.

The damn thing's too big.

We'll have to wait

until the post office opens.

Ralph?

(CAT MEOWS)

Hey, Fred.

Get off the table.

Ralph?

Are you in here? Ralph?

Huh.

Hey, what have you got there?

(HUMMING BONANZA THEME)

Are you tense?

No. Why?

You're singing.

It bothers me.

I like the song.

It's a catchy tune.

Hey, that's the song from Bonanza.

I loved that show.

(BOTH HUM BONANZA THEME)

Yeah.

Hey, you're a Bonanza fan, right?

Let me ask you a question.

What was the deal on Hoss?

I mean, Hoss didn't look like

those other guys in the family, did he?

Seriously, the guy looked like

he was some sort of orderly

in a Swedish mental

institution, didn't he?

You had Adam, Little Joe...

he didn't look like those guys.

What was it, different moms?

Did you ever notice that?

Am I the only one?

Are you going to shut up

so we can play cards?

Hey, chill out, would you?

I just thought we'd have a

little conversation here.

You guys are so serious.

Listen, I don't give a sh*t

who you are,

but I don't like

the way you play poker.

So why don't you

just play cards?

Weren't you the host of

The Dating Game for a while?

(LAUGHTER)

I like this guy.

Hey, Al, remember the episode

where Hoss picked that guy up...

You know, I think the reason

you're not playing your cards

is you're not holding

anything, funny guy.

Three hundred.

Normie?

Here's $200.

Thanks.

See your three,

and I'll raise you a G.

$1,000 dude.

MAN:
Too rich for me,

fellas.

I'm out.

It's only $300.

Where's the grand?

Hey, I'm good for it.

Are you?

No dough, no go.

Okay.

Fleetwood across the street.

'69. Cherry.

Mint.

Harry, I, um...

Ahem.

You're bluffing.

Huh?

I call.

Pair of 10's.

Whoa, what a play, Nick.

Hell of a play, seriously.

I never saw that coming.

I thought I had you.

Did my eye twitch?

We've got to go.

Hey! Hey!

That son of a b*tch is stealing my car.

Come on, guys, let's get him.

Hey, fellas, come on.

What do you think, I was

going to run out on you?

The guy is taking

my car over here.

Aah!

Come on, Norman!

You're messing with

the Cartwrights now, son.

You got any

cocktail sauce around?

Whoo! Ha ha!

Harry, you frigging meatball.

This time you went too far!

And don't come back!

Come on, Normie!

Come on!

Hey, it doesn't get

any better than this, man.

Harry, I don't think I can

play cards with you anymore.

I'm not in good enough shape.

Maybe if we won every once in a while,

we could get to walk home.

Oh, man. What are you whining about, man?

We had some laughs.

Yeah, right.

So we're on a little

losing streak here.

Some losing streak.

Your losing streak should put me in the hospital.

NORM:
Now look, I've got to tell you something.

This is pissing me off.

Harry, you had him.

- You had him cold, and then you let him know.

- What are you talking about?

Everybody in that room knew.

Knew what?

That you were bluffing.

Did my eye twitch?

Because that's when it...

No, Harry, it's worse.

You have no sense of commitment.

I don't know what's wrong with you lately.

You're lacking something.

I'm lacking $600.

Two of which is mine.

I know two of which is yours.

It's okay, because when I win the lotto...

Oh, lotto, again with the lotto.

Will you smarten up?

I'll pay you back your two,

and then I'm going to buy

my best buddy a car.

- Really?

- I might pick you something up, too.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Aah!

(HUMMING BONANZA THEME)

You know, the Cartwrights were really snobs

when you think about it.

Because they were the richest

people in the area,

and they were paying Hop Sing sh*t, you know?

He didn't make anything.

NORM:
I have a surprise

for you.

I got something

for you and Georgette.

HARRY:
Hey!

- You like it?

- Yeah, man. Where did you get this?

I got it at 2nd

and Monroe yesterday.

You think it'll work?

Good job, Buddy!

Yeah, it'll be perfect.

We'll put it right up in the top left.

You still upset about the money?

Huh?

No.

I'm upset about

giving it to you.

(LAUGHS)

See what I'm talking about?

Right up on top there in the back.

Look good, right?

Yeah, I'll go look at it.

Want some breakfast?

Yeah.

Thank you.

He looks good, right?

Yeah, she looks great.

I tell you, Norman,

I'm going to have a hard time

getting rid of this guy.

Uh huh.

Ready?

Good morning, George.

(BEEPING)

(CLIPS OF TV BROADCASTS)

Check this out.

You ready?

Something new.

Huh?

Whoo!

Harry, all right!

(LAUGHS)

Yeah, man.

Isn't that great?

I'm getting a gigantic

Kleenex for his nose, too.

Come here.

One more thing.

I want you to...

It sticks sometimes.

Oh.

Aah!

- It's great, right?

- It's beautiful. When did you do this?

Last week. I did all the sinus cavities

in one day last week.

- All right, man. I'm proud of you.

- Thanks!

(BEEPING)

What's going on?

(BUZZING AND STATIC)

(THEME MUSIC)

Grandmothers, mothers,

fathers, sons...

- Where are my lotto tickets?

- And all other living creatures that anted up...

I can feel it, Norman.

Today's my day, buddy.

...put some lucky lotto winner

on top of the world.

That's right, this is

Tom T. Murray,

and your chance

to win, win, win.

Let's play lotto!

Give me a 35.

Give me a 35.

Our first number is...

35.

Yes! Norman, I've got

something here.

I'm out.

- The second number is...

14, Tommy, 14, Tommy!

- 39.

- Tom, you're a jerk! Jeez. Every week.

Week after week,

I go through this.

If I ever see Tom Murray on the street,

I'm going to choke the guy.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

The fourth number is...

9.

You know her?

No.

Who is it?

I'm looking for

a Mr. Harrison Patrick Berg.

What do you think?

- Cop.

- You're dreaming. No way that face is a cop.

(KNOCKING)

Can I help you?

Uh, Mr. Berg, I've got

an envelope for you.

It's a little bit early

for deliveries, isn't it?

Uh, it's special.

How special?

It's a summons.

Told you.

Look buddy, I've been on your job

for a long time.

This is a serious matter.

You either deal now or hang later.

This summons, I have to touch it

physically, right? I mean, that's the law?

Yeah, that's the law.

All right. I'll tell you what

we'll do.

You go back 10 paces, by that pillar behind you,

and then I'll open the door.

Go ahead.

Okay.

No, Harry, she's cheating.

She cheats. Ooh.

I like her already.

Come on, no cheating now.

You want to do this, you've

got to play it straight.

Back up and start over.

Come on.

All right.

All right, here's what we'll do.

Take the, uh, envelope,

and put it right down

in there between us.

Make that like a neutral

country, like Switzerland.

- But...

- No, no. Nice try, but I'm like a cat,

I could be back here in a flash.

Come on.

Okay?

Put the envelope down.

Down. A little lower.

A little bit. Almost.

It's so close.

Come on. Just...

Drop it. Let go of it.

Ahh!

All right. Now, I'm Harry Berg.

Nice to meet you.

Hi. Rachel Dobs.

A pleasure.

See? This is working.

(SIGHS)

So, Rach, what's this

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