The Stag

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1

Jesus Christ.

You are my sunshine

My only sunshine

You make me happy

when skies are grey

You'll never know, dear,

how much I love you

Please don't take

my sunshine away

The other night, dear,

as I lay sleeping

I dreamt I held you in my arms

And when I woke,

dear, I was mistaken

And I hung my head and I cried

You are my sunshine,

my only sunshine

You make me happy

when skies are grey

You'll never know, dear,

how much I love you

Please don't take

my sunshine away

Oh, my God. Why is it so cold?

Get in here.

Oh, warmth.

Clementina. Oh, go on. Answer it.

No. Don't tell me it's

not working out already.

- Beep.

- But she's lovely, Davin.

You've only been

seeing her two months.

Two months and a week on top

of that, so that's nine weeks.

What was it this time?

- Her left eye...

- Oh, God.

This is serious... becomes

slightly lazy when she laughs.

- And that's it?

- That is a valid reason.

What about the last girl, Clare?

- Gummy Anna? Purple, purple gums.

- Yeah.

- That's right.

- Hey, how are you doing?

- Mm-hm.

- It's me, Anna.

And, er, remember the Galway

girl, um, how were her gums?

Her gums are actually fine,

but what was wrong with her

was her endless humming.

But not songs. No songs.

Just endless, mindless,

tuneless humming.

Reading, driving, walking.

These things are signs.

No, they're not. They're

normal, human characteristics.

You are going to end up on

your own, alone forever.

Don't you want to

find someone to love?

Jesus, Fionan, who are you,

my f***ing mother?

When I find someone,

I'll let you know.

Okay.

- How's the wedding plans going?

- Do you really want to know?

- Yeah.

- I'd like to talk about it.

Still a bit stressed?

Each detail leads

to the next detail

and each decision is as important

as the last. It's exhausting.

- You're a strange, strange man.

- I know.

Oh. I shouldn't be showing you this,

but if I can't show my best man,

- who can I show?

- What is that?

- She looks beautiful.

- I am marrying this woman.

Mm.

Congratulations, buddy.

I haven't shown her yet,

so it's a surprise.

- Please don't give the game away.

- No, absolutely. I tell you what.

I'm pressed for time, 'cause

we've got to go through

- the name cards and the menu fonts.

- Here it is.

- Did... Did you make this?

- I'm a theatre set designer.

Okay, that is an enormous relief.

- So what do you think, Linda?

- What I think?

- Wow, Fionan.

- Actually, it's Fion-awwwn.

Oh, I'm sorry. Fion-awn.

- One more time, Linda. Fion-awwwn.

- Fion-awn.

Fion-awwwn.

- Fion-awn. Fion-awn.

- Fion-awwwn.

- Awwwn.

- Awn.

- Awn. Fion-awn.

- Fion-awwwn.

- Fion-awwwn.

- Thank you.

- So sorry I'm late, guys.

- Hi.

- Work is mental. Hi!

- Don't worry.

Hey! Aw!

- Linda, what is it?

- No, no, no. Fion-awwwn.

- Surprise.

- No.

Yes. Look.

This is us.

This is where we enter. The

speeches take place over there.

I don't know what to say.

It's so cute.

- Oh.

- It's the florist.

Oh, do you want me to...?

No, I'll... Hello?

Look at this, Linda.

It's so intricate.

Isn't it?

Also a little mad. I know.

He is certainly not your average

groom-to-be, not your usual guy.

- In what way?

- Most guys don't give a sh*t

about details. Usually

they just nod and smile

and scrub up for the day. Very

few of them make a doll's house.

- Oh, it's a diorama.

- Yeah, that's the word.

- And he is so metro.

- Metro?

Metrose... politan. Metropolitan.

Usually, the only plans

men care about are

the ones they make for

their stag weekend.

- No, Fionan's not going on a stag.

- That makes sense.

That was the florist, Linda,

saying the bouquets

- do not have to be ranunculus.

- Oh.

Did you have a conversation

about ranunculus?

I um...

Ranunculus.

- I'm worried about Linda.

- Oh?

Are you listening to me?

I have problems with Linda.

- We should fire her.

- What?

We are a month from the wedding.

A wedding that's going to look

like it took place in McDonald's.

Sit down.

Sit down.

Our wedding day is

about me and you,

not about... place-card fonts,

or... thematic coherence.

The theme is us.

We've got to focus on why

we're marrying each other.

Focus on the why.

I'm so sorry.

I'm going nuts trying to make sure

it's the best day in your life

because... I already know it's

going to be the best day in mine.

You don't have to try

and make it perfect.

It'll already be the

happiest day of my life.

But for me, the section of the book

concerning Levin and agrarian reform

engages the heart just as much,

because we stand rooted to the earth

for far longer than we ever are...

in love.

So we'll leave that there.

- Thanks, folks.

- Hi.

- Hello.

- So I was just passing through.

Passing through? Okay.

Okay. I need you to

organise a stag for Fionan.

Fionan is not a stag guy.

That is why I need you to

organise a stag for Fionan.

- Why do you want that?

- He's too caught up in all of the...

The wedding.

- Okay, yes. Yes.

- Yes.

Have you any ideas what

we could do or...?

You go walking and hiking and

like scaling mountains and stuff.

Yeah, I've still got the

compass you gave me.

Oh, you still have that?

- It's a great compass.

- Yeah.

Okay, well, I will float that.

- Thank you, Davin.

- You know, it is Fionan, so don't

- get your hopes up.

- I am marrying him, Davin.

Yeah.

But get him up a mountain.

Seriously, get him up a mountain.

- Yes, sir.

- Okay.

Thank you. Hey, I'll

see you on Sunday.

- You will.

- Okay.

Hello! How are you?

Oh, lovely. Thank you very much.

- Hi, everyone. How are you doing?

- Hey, Davin.

- All right?

- Yeah, yeah, good.

Cheers, guys. Cheers.

That is the thing about walking

that people don't get.

- It's tough. It's pretty wild.

- But you're still just walking.

You are still walking, Fionan, but

you're also climbing for bits of it.

- Do you kill your food?

- No, no, I bring energy bars.

- And bananas.

- In Iceland, Uli and her family

bring hunting tools when they hike.

They can source snacks and things.

- Snacks?

- Like reindeers and salmons?

- Yes, that is what we kill.

- Good.

What about you, Fionan,

what do you do for exercise?

- I walk to work and back daily.

- Oh, punishing.

He also gets lots of exercise

arguing with our wedding planner.

Lively collaboration.

Actually, speaking of walking...

Men, Simon, the Kevinses, how do you

feel about a little walking holiday

to drag Fionan here away

from the wedding planner

and out into the fresh air?

Like a stag?

Rugged gentlemen, alone up

a mountain, sounds great.

- I'd find a way to enjoy that.

- Great, brilliant. Simon?

- Uli knows I'm good in the wild.

- You're not good in the wild.

- Fionan?

- Yeah, no. No way. No stags so...

Fionan, have you ever

even been on a stag?

- No.

- So not even a weekend walk?

I don't enjoy being in exclusively

male company for long periods.

There's something forced about

it and false, all that banter...

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