The Stag Page #2

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I mean, under what other

circumstances would we five

ever agree to be in a

tent in the shitting rain

in mid-November all for the

sake of some needless ritual?

So er, so what about

hens in general?

Or my hen, is that just some

stupid needless ritual?

Oh, no, babe, but I would

happily go on your hen night.

You want to go on my hen?

Okay, Fionan, one of my

favourite things to do

is have sex with a man and even

for me that's a bit too gay.

No, come on, guys. Leave him alone.

Fionan has got his principles.

Maybe a walking holiday's just a

bit too rough and tumble for him.

Okay, Davin.

Yeah, okay, fine.

Yeah, stag it is.

Yay, stag.

The stag!

Well done, bro.

Is this something that we need?

The spoon, so you just eat.

Argh!

- No?

- No.

Ooh.

- Is this our tent?

- That is a tent, eh? Look at this.

- Should we... Should we... buy it?

- Yes.

- Let's go for it.

- Let's do it.

Okay. Let's buy it. Let's

pay up and get out of here.

- Careful, are you okay?

- Yeah.

- You're fine?

- I'm fine.

Okay. It's stuck.

- No. Just give it a tug.

- Unstick it. It's a zip.

- It's caught.

- Give me a go.

- Don't force it.

- Gently.

Just prise it.

- Oh!

- We are stuck in a tent.

- Okay, try that one.

- Got a can opener?

One, two, three.

Wait, wait, wait, careful.

- Hello?

- We're in the forest display!

- Is there another exit?

- Stop pushing.

Help!

Hello?

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Don't panic! Don't panic! Okay?!

- Get me out of here.

- Get off of me!

- Hello?

- Whoa! Ah!

- What are you doing?

- We're trying to buy a tent.

Simon, you're crushing me to death!

Simon!

Yes, it's lovely. We'll take it.

- Are you ready?

- I'm ready.

Woof.

Grrr!

Oh, don't tie me up with

your rope, Mr Stag Man!

I love it! I want it all off!

If I'd known you were so

into this, I'd have tracked

and shot a squirrel or something.

Hey, now you're going on a stag.

- Yeah, baby.

- You have to invite The Machine.

- What?

- Well, he's my brother.

- He's gonna be your brother, too.

- My brother-in-law!

That's what stags are for, getting

to know each other better.

I already know him.

- Properly.

- Properly I know him.

You guys haven't bonded. I know

that he can be a bit full-on,

but The Machine is a good man.

You have to invite him.

- No.

- Yes.

- No, no.

- Yes.

- This is the brother who...

- Yes.

- With the... and the...

- Yup. Mm-hm.

No. No. No.

- We are doomed.

- We'll call off the stag.

We can't. She'll know why.

There is no exit strategy here.

- The Machine.

- The Machine!

You have no idea what it's like to

spend five minutes with this man

over drinks on Christmas Eve, let

alone a whole weekend up a mountain!

He is insane and as far as I'm

concerned, it is all your fault.

- Why is it my fault?

- For suggesting the idea.

In the first place,

like an imbecile.

- I didn't... I...

- You should never dabble

in social conventions that

were not designed for you.

Jesus, Fionan, I'm at work. I'm

actually about to give a lecture.

- You fix it.

- Okay, yeah, I'll fix it.

I'll call him. I'll say it's

kind of a literary walk.

- No, religious.

- Yeah, religious.

A religious pilgrimage.

A religious abstinent

pilgrimage to various shrines.

A silent, religious abstinent

pilgrimage to various shrines.

- Ancient shrines.

- Say the weather forecast is bad.

- Terrible weather.

- Tell him the Kevins are gay.

- Make them trannies.

- Vestite or sexual?

- Vestite. Do it now. Make the call.

- Now?

- I can't work until it's done.

- Yeah, okay, I can't either.

- Give me your phone.

- What do you mean? Why?

No, but why can't we

do it on your phone?

Because you're the best man.

Sh*t.

Okay.

It's ringing.

Voicemail.

Leave a message for The

Machine on the machine!

Hi. This is Davin. I'm a friend of

Fionan's who's marrying your sister.

This weekend we are going...

We are embarking on a

silent walking retreat

with some transsexual

friends of ours in the rain

and we wanted to let you know that.

Er... you can call me back if you

want, but it will be just as I say,

wet and silent and

boring and weird.

Okay, bye-bye-

Keep me posted. Remember,

this is all your fault.

Okay.

Dostoevsky.

Oh!

Hi, girls!

Hey.

We need to go, okay?

24 missed calls.

- My God.

- Yeah. Let's go.

Let's go, okay?

Davin, come here.

- Where is The Machine?

- Oh, yeah.

We've been playing phone tag,

but he's got the details.

- He's making his own way down.

- He's making his own way down?

He's making his own way down.

Okay. He's making his own way down.

- Have fun!

- Okay, you too!

- Bye.

- Bye, have fun. Bye.

Bye!

Let's go!

Okay, okay.

This is actually going to be fun.

Bye!

Okay, just one call.

I'm so sorry. One second.

The Machine, hi.

Listen, I'm just checking that

you do know about this stag.

Oh, yeah. Did he call you back?

No?

Well, I can give you the address.

Yeah, I'll text it to you right now.

Guys, I just want to say,

I know I was really reluctant

about the idea of a stag.

but I think this is

going to be brilliant

and I'd just like to thank my

best man and best friend Davin

for putting it all together, okay?

Well, now that we're all

here, I can tell you that

we dodged a serious bullet today.

- Yes, we did.

- You know Ruth's brother?

- The Machine knows about this?

- Yeah.

- The Machine?

- You don't want to know.

- Yes, I do.

- Davin here took one for the team.

And after an elaborate

subterfuge and 28 missed calls

and 24 messages...

- Oh, play one. Play a voice mail.

- Dare I?

I've never actually

heard this guy's voice,

but the stories would make

your sh*t turn white.

This is genius.

Okay, Gavin, or whatever your

little name is, it's The Machine.

I'm sitting here with an enormous,

raging stag boner on me right now.

You hear me knocking, let me in.

First thought right out of the gate.

We are going To Africa!

Activities, harness wedgies,

six men, three bed sheets,

a pound of chicken fat

and we don't shave his

balls, we shave his a**hole!

Put a little lipstick

on the ring piece.

Might be a job for those

trannies you mentioned.

Think global here,

Facebook, Twitter,

anything that will allow it

for five minutes and boom,

the whole world's looking at

Fionan's dolled-up kicker.

Are you with me? It is insane that

you have not called me back yet.

I've done 22 tours of duty, my man.

I'm gonna get nuclear on you.

Davin, Davin, Davin.

Just give it to me, Davin.

What the f*** did you just...

Yeah.

- Is that...

- The Machine!

- Konnichiwa, f*** sticks.

- Hello.

I'll deal with you in a minute.

Which dick slice is your commander?

- What?

- Who's the point man?

- Is that a sports thing?

- Your best man, groom job.

This is him.

- Kevin?

- Davin.

- Gavin?

- No, Davin.

- No, Gavin.

- No, Davin with a D.

- No, Gavin with a G.

- Oh, okay.

So Muggins here has to drop

everything in his life

and drive 220 miles on the fly,

because this little cum sock can't

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