The Standoff Page #2

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in the world of beauty and fashion.

Today, we'll be discussing

the importance of sunscreen.

But, before I get into that,

though, I want to share

with all of my thousands of

super close friends out there

the incredible news that I have

been picked to participate

in big Jim's dream car contest!

Now I know,

there are a ton of you

who are probably thinking,

"OMG, she's already beautiful

and now she's lucky too?"

And you may be feeling just

a little bit left out,

but, not to worry,

I have got you covered.

As always, I will be

documenting everything

that happens during the contest,

on YouTube, Twitter, vine, Instagram,

Snapchat, Pinterest, Wechat,

Foursquare, Habbo,

Odnoklassniki, Renren,

and of course, my own website.

So you'll all be able to go on

this very special journey with me.

And don't forget to like me.

It lets me know you care.

So now, on to my

beauty tip of the day.

Sunscreen. You should

totally wear it.

Here's contestant number three.

I'm a three-time

Indy champion.

I took first place in Daytona

and Talladega in the same day!

I completed the 24 hours

of Le mans in 22 hours!

No one's more qualified to win

this competition than me.

Here's contestant number four.

Hi.

I'm Lala Zzyzx.

You know, how in every teen movie

there's that awkward shy girl

who just needs

a transforming makeover

so that she can win the affections

of a good-looking, popular boy?

Well, that's not me.

My hair may not be as shiny

as yours or my teeth as white

or my clothes as literally cool.

You may not invite me to your

parties or even know that I exist.

But guess what?

I don't care.

Because I'm smarter than you.

I'm captain of the science team.

We're three-time

state champs.

Oh, you don't think that's cool?

It's not.

It's freezing,

as in the formula for

freezing-point depression,

but you probably don't know that

because you've been too busy playing

that dumb app with the mad birds,

an app that I invented, by

the way, when I was nine!

So you may ignore me

and my friends now,

but one day when we're

tech billionaires,

you'll be fetching us coffee

and picking up our hoodies

from the dry cleaners.

Winning a car at big Jim's?

I don't need to be

better-looking, or stronger,

or tougher, or more

popular than you to win.

I just need to be me.

Here's contestant number five.

Whoo! Colby Mann, defensive end,

r-r-Roosevelt high!

My game plan to win

this car is simple.

I'll use my superior

athletic conditioning

to send each and every

one of my opponents

at home on a stretcher

in absolute tears.

Until I remain

the last one standing

and I take home

the championship.

Whoo!

Go Spartans!

Dude!

I wasn't ready!

Can we do that again?

Here's contestant number six.

I think everyone

should give back.

It's really our

duty as Americans.

Personally, I get up

at 4:
00 A.M. every day

to work at the donut shop,

then head to work at the

rock quarry after school.

But... mmm.

But I still find time every

week to volunteer here,

helping out good citizens like Mr.

Adams.

Here you go.

Because...

That's what my dad

taught me to do.

He's away fighting in Canada,

defending our country,

but he said, "son,

everyone can serve in some way,

even if it's just by

serving our fellow man."

And contestant number seven.

Yeah, yo.

Wow, Mia, those sure are

seven lucky teenagers.

Wait a second.

Did you say "seven"?

I did say "seven."

But there should be

eight contestants.

Well, silly, the eighth

one is a surprise.

They don't even know

they've been picked yet.

- From Northside high...

Contestant number eight

of big Jim's dream

car contest is...

- Farrell Bennett!

- What?

Yes! Oh, yes, I win.

I win, everyone.

Thank you so much. I don't

care about this anymore.

I'm gonna win a car!

Yes!

Yes, we did it.

- Ooh!

- It's kinda scary.

It's horrifying.

Look at this, man. This is

where it all goes down.

This is the end of the road.

This is for all the marbles.

This is where we separate

the men from the boys.

This is for the whole

kit and kaboodle.

- You make that up?

- No. That's legit.

"Kit and kaboodle." People

say that all the time.

- No.

- Yes.

- You don't even know what a kaboodle is.

- It's a...

It's a Korean poodle.

A "kaboodle."

Seriously.

You didn't know that?

Very aggressive breed of dog.

Really?

- My money's on him to win.

- Thank you, Zane.

Uh-huh,

concussion brain.

I'm gonna spell this out for you

because you probably can't read.

- "F," as in "failure."

You know, Dorka, I hear you've been

talking trash about winning this.

Oh, I don't talk trash.

I talk truth.

Words aren't gonna help you

win this competition, babe.

This is all physical,

and I've been trainin'.

Really? How do you

train for this?

Well, I've been

standing around a lot.

- 11 hours, 23 minutes.

- What's that?

How long you been

hanging out with your

"doctor who" action

figures last night?

No. That's how long you'll

last in this competition,

according to our

scientific calculations.

Sorry.

It's just like,

he's a football player,

and you're not.

Like, he's used to

physical punishment.

I think the last thing you

tackled was a bag of Cheetos.

I carried this cooler.

Oh, look at this guy.

Thinks he's all that.

He is all that. He's all

that with a side of fries.

Why's he need a car? He's

already got a motorcycle.

I know, right? He's probably

just getting the car

so he can jump over it on

his stupid motorcycle.

Loser.

Dude.

I'm sorry.

My money and everything else

is on her to win.

Sorry, man.

I forgive you.

It's understandable.

You're the guy

from the cat videos!

Hey, and you're the girl

in the girl videos.

I love rapping cat. I retweet

everything he says, he's so funny.

I don't know where he comes

up with some of that stuff.

Actually, he comes up with

that stuff through me.

Oh. Right.

'Cause he can't type

with his little paws.

And he can't rap either,

because, you know, he's a cat?

Right.

Why isn't he here?

Because he's at

home, being a cat.

I see you've got your entourage.

Oh, that's a crazy cat lady.

She follows me everywhere.

She wants to meet

the rapping cat,

but I'm afraid she

wants to eat him.

Well, as far as I'm concerned,

any fan is a good fan.

Speaking of fans, where

are your supporters?

I have all the friends

I need right here.

- Well, good luck.

- You too. Oh... okay.

Hi! Oh.

All right, I gotta

go set up camp.

- Gotta represent, buddy, okay?

- Gotta represent!

All right, you gotta win one

for all the semi-intelligent,

moderately handsome

guys out there.

They need me as their leader.

- Be the leader!

- Be the leader!

- Be the leader!

- Meditate, meditate.

- You got it.

- I'm ready.

- You got it.

- Okay. Don't drop that.

All right.

- I miss you.

- Miss you too.

Hey, you're Farrell, right?

- Contestant number eight.

- Yeah.

You must be Chris, right?

Number seven.

Actually, I'm number one. Or

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