The Standoff Page #4

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saw that, right?

It was 11 minutes, 23 seconds.

Not 11 hours, 23 minutes.

If this would've been

a Mathcathalon,

that would've

cost us everything.

Would you look at that?

Kids these days, huh?

With their world wide web

and their "on demand."

Just ain't willin' to put

in the time, are they?

Bo, why don't you go clean

up that big, gold mess, huh?

11 minutes. That's sad.

That's sad.

That's just sad right there.

A tragic turn of events today

as Colby Mann collapsed

and died mere moments

into the contest.

- I'm not dead. He

will be dearly missed.

One down, six to go, ha.

Do you ever do anything in

life without posting it?

The real question is,

if I don't post it,

- did it ever really happen?

Well, things certainly have

picked up around here,

haven't they, huh?

I got a feeling this contest

may just work out for us.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna go sell me some cars.

Bo, why don't you go

fetch some brochures?

Aw, come on, big guy.

I wasn't tryin' to

be disrespectful.

You know what?

You look tired.

Why don't you just

take a load off?

Sit, boy!

Sit!

Aw, come on, now!

It's just a joke.

You don't have to actually sit.

Stay.

Stay... stay!

Oh, come on now. I'm just

playin' with you, Bo.

Huh? Let's

talk this out.

Speak!

Speak, good boy!

It's been one hour

and 58 minutes,

and this contest has gone

from friendly to fierce,

from chummy to cutthroat.

From serene to...

To... to...

- What's an "s" word?

- "Stupid."

You're looking for a word

that starts with an "s."

It's not that hard, sister.

Oh, two in a row.

I don't know what's

going on between you two,

but we're already in

a competition, okay?

- We don't need another.

- Seriously.

You guys aren't trending at all.

I've posted like five things about

you and you have zero likes.

It's kinda sad.

Okay, first of all, there's

no competition here.

At least not from my side.

She's competing with me,

but she just always has.

Oh, really?

Is that right?

Yes, that is right. It all

started when we were six,

and you just swooped in out

of nowhere and stole my crown

- for the...

- The what?

At the junior sunburst

beauty pageant.

Yeah, because that

pageant was for girls.

That was never specifically

defined in the rulebook!

Okay, well, how about the time

that you joined the girl scouts,

just to prove you could

sell more cookies than me.

Yeah, and I did sell more cookies

than you, and you cried.

I did not. He's lying.

I did not.

Middle school. How you

convinced our basketball coach

to make you center

instead of me.

Well, it's not my fault you

hadn't hit puberty yet.

Ninth grade, how you challenged

me in the spelling bee,

and that whole

competition was fixed

- - for you to win,

and you know that.

"Fixed?" If by "fixed," you mean

you actually had to

know your vowels,

then yes, everybody,

it was fixed.

You know what?

By the way, I do know

how to spell a word.

It's a hard one. Let's

see if I can do it.

"Amy," b-r-a-t.

"Amy."

Aw, that is the cutest thing.

Have you been practicing with

your alphabet soup again?

You know what, you are

just so salty right now,

because someone failed

a class this year!

- It was P.E.

- Yeah, who fails gym?

I failed because I

refused to participate

in a potentially life-threatening

sporting activity!

- Ping-pong?

- Yeah! Okay, ping-pong!

Thousands of people die each

year from playing ping-pong!

Oh, you googled that, Amy,

because that is a lie!

Oh, I just...

"googleable.

Google that, why don't

you, Amy?" Ooh!

Oh, I cannot stand that

obnoxious little jerk!

He just knows how to push every

single one of my buttons.

Every last one!

It's like he's this

sniper that's just

picking off all of these

pieces of my soul.

Get out of my chair. I'm

mad and I need a friend.

She is the most annoying,

self-centered

person who has ever

walked on the face

of this planet.

I have had to deal with him

since the first grade.

Year after year,

for 11 years, Emerson, 11!

- Scone?

- Please.

You know what she's like?

She's like this little worm

that's burrowed its

way into my my mind,

and she's just eating away at it

with her mindless,

endless chatter.

Yeah.

Um, who are we talking about?

- Amy!

- Oh, Amy?

I like Amy.

She's not that bad.

Not so bad? She's the

definition of bad!

B-a-d. The "a" stands for "Amy."

See that?

I know my vowels!

I am beginning to think that

his only reason for existence

is to torture me, because

there doesn't seem to be

any other evolutionary reason

as to why he is on this planet.

Well, at least he's not

too bad to look at.

You know, he's got that kinda

tall, cute hair thing.

I'm just saying, all right?

If you have to stand

around someone for that long,

it helps that they're cute.

Oh, my gosh.

Is the world ending?

Because you calling him "cute" is like

the third sign of the apocalypse.

- Jam?

- Thank you.

Ooh, elderberry.

I love elderberry.

- It's so good.

- So good, right?

- Delicious, oh.

- What was I saying?

Oh, yeah, I was

talking about how much

I hate Farrell Bennett.

What are we gonna do? I

cannot stand her anymore.

Whiz me.

Uh-huh.

We have to figure out a

way to take him out.

- Clotted cream?

- Clotted cream?

You think of everything.

I try.

Well, you know what they say.

Anyhow, you know what they say.

The way to get a woman

is through her heart.

The way to get to a man

is through his stomach.

- Well, they are right.

- Oh, my gosh, you're right.

- They do say that.

- Yeah, they do.

- I just got an idea.

- I have an idea.

I need my phone. I need my phone!

I'm a genius.

- But I'm gonna need your help.

- Okay, I'm in.

See?

I knew it.

Little miss type a, going

to the car already.

I guarantee she just wants

to be the first one there

to prove how perfect

she is to everyone.

How much time is left

on the clock, chief?

Um, looks like you got about...

10 seconds.

Ten, nine...

- Thanks, dude.

- Eight, seven,

six, five, four,

three, two, one...

No!

- He made it.

- Ooh, how awkward.

Hey, everyone!

It's Sophie here.

It's been seven hours and there

are still seven of us left!

Honestly, it hasn't been as hard

as I thought it was gonna be.

I mean, I waited four times as

long in line for the new iPhone.

Okay, well,

I'll update you guys when the

next one bites the dust.

Until then, hugs and kisses.

I always get more attention

when I do the kiss at the end.

- People like that.

- Is that really

what you want to be

known for, though?

Talkin' about

yourself on camera?

It's not about

what you're known for,

it's about being known at all.

I mean, we all want

people to know we exist.

I don't. I don't care if

anybody knows I exist.

Of course you do.

That's why you look

the way you do.

That's why you enter all

those brainiac competitions.

I mean, everything about you

screams "look how smart I am!"

I mean, it's not like you're

hiding in a laboratory somewhere.

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