The Standoff Page #6

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should be based on need.

If that were the case, Chris

probably deserves it most.

- No, he doesn't.

- Guys, I'm willing to fight for this

just like the rest of you.

I'm sure we all really need it.

Well, one of us

already had a car,

and wrecked it.

Personally, I think you've

already had a chance,

you should step aside for

those more deserving.

Oh, personally, I think that

you're a spoiled brat, so...

Oh, god, if this were

based on who deserves it,

then you'd be

the first one to go.

Okay, I know you're not

feeling good, okay?

- The bathroom's right there.

- I feel fine. I feel fine.

I could really use a

break, though, hey.

- Yes!

- Hey, twins! When's the break?

- Oh, less than a minute.

- Yikes.

- Oh, my god.

- Farrell, I don't think

- you're gonna make it

to the break.

I'm gonna make it.

I'm gonna make it.

I'm gonna make it.

Oh, god!

Something's coming!

- Which end is it coming from?

- I don't know!

What do we do?

What do we do?

We're not gonna make it!

- We're not gonna make it!

- We're gonna die!

- Come on. Come on!

Get out of my way!

Aw, dude, come on. There's

like five minutes left.

I really gotta use the

bathroom, come on.

Back off.

A little privacy, please.

All right, I'm gonna see if there's

another bathroom in the garage.

All right, hold my place, please?

Just in case?

Absolutely.

Ooh-hh...!

Ah, god, okay.

Open.

- Oh, yeah.

- That's the stuff.

Oh, come on.

All right.

Ah... hello?

Door... door is...

Door is stuck.

You put somethin' in his

brownie, didn't you?

Maybe.

- You're so clever!

- And you're so cute.

Is anyone there?

Come on, come on, I gotta

get out of here! Hello?

- - Oh, help me.

Whoa! Okay,

what is...

What is going on here?

Ahem! Emerson!

He is the enemy!

Emerson!

You know, to be honest, I just

feel embarrassed for you.

You know, if you were to

see yourself right now,

you'd realize just how

far you've fallen.

Yeah, don't come crying to me

when you wake up one morning

and you look at

yourself in the mirror,

and you say to yourself,

"what has become of me?"

Yeah, because I will be off,

living another life that

doesn't involve... That.

Can I at least have

something to eat?

Wow, thanks.

I bet you think you're

real funny, don't you?

I... I don't know what

you're talking about.

Don't you think

that I don't know

that you were behind whatever...

Problem I just had.

Well, I am not saying that I

had anything to do with it,

but if I did, you totally

deserved it, Farrell.

- Hey, guys, could we have a truce?

Six, five, four...

Eh, just let 'em fight.

I mean, the more they

distract each other

the better chance

we have of winning.

Go!

- Hey, where's Klyde?

Not Klyde.

God, you guys, it's getting like

"the hunger games" around here.

Yeah, except we can't

kill each other.

Can we?

Well, thank you there, Bo.

Oh, look at them, hmm?

Kids.

What with their eatin'

of the fast food,

and using Emojicons

instead of words,

and wantin' everything

yesterday.

They won't last much longer.

My money's

on the funny-lookin' one.

Hey.

Hey, Jerome!

Hey, Jerome.

Jerome.

Hey, it's me.

Everyone's laughing

at you, Jerome.

They all think you're a fraud.

They all think

you're a talentless wannabe.

Give up, Jerome.

Come home and scoop my poop.

It's all

you'll ever be good for.

You're nothing without me.

Hey, crazy cat lady,

do you see that cat right there?

I'm always seeing cats.

You're nothing without me.

Oh, that's right.

Get outta here!

I'm the talented one.

I'm the one that sings.

You don't even have lips!

Ha!

Did you see that cat

right there?

What cat?

It was a...

It was a big, giant,

like, horror movie cat.

It was just talking to me.

He was...

Hey, how... how about

we go get you some coffee?

Cat food?

I don't want no cat food.

- I just...

- Coffee.

I said "coffee," Jerome.

- Coffee.

- Yeah. It's this way.

Yeah, I need some coffee.

- Yeah, coffee's this way.

- He was right there.

Zane?

Zane!

Where are you?

Hey, buddy.

What were you doing in there?

Nothing. Little bird watching.

Just chilling.

Bird watching in a tent?

Yeah.

You alone in there?

Yeah.

You're fraternizing

with the enemy.

I don't... I don't know what

"fraternizing" means,

but if it means making out,

yeah, I've been fraternizing

quite a bit, my brother.

- Gimme a high five.

- No. No high five for you.

This was not part of the plan.

You have been compromised!

Dude, i... I have feelings

for Emerson.

Feelings?

What kind of feelings?

Feelings of mistrust?

Feelings of disgust?

Murderous feelings?

What kind of feelings

do you have for her, Zane?

No, like, I think I want

to ask her father

if I can court her.

"Court her?"

Are we in the 19th century?

You been watching

"downtown Abbey" again?

No, you don't understand, man...

You're right about that.

I don't, Zane.

I am very disappointed in you.

All these years of friendship

and I don't even know

who you are anymore,

but I see you've made

your choice, so fine!

You know what?

I don't need you either!

From now on, you are dead to me.

Well, what about

the basketball game Saturday?

Are we still on for that?

Yes, we're absolutely still on

for the basketball game.

- It's gonna be tight!

- So psyched.

But until then...

- You're dead to me.

- Yeah.

- You understand.

- Yeah, I get it.

This was a really good chat

for me.

- Monumental, I think.

- Dude. Wish me luck.

I'm running out of angles

for these selfies.

Even I'm getting tired

of looking at myself.

Hey Jerome, how does

the rapping cat do it?

I'm not talking about the cat.

I mean, he always looks so good

in every single one

of his photos, right?

Does he have a stylist?

Not talking about the cat.

He should come guest

in one of my segments!

We can talk about, like,

beauty and hair.

Does he deep condition?

Does he use mousse?

Which he probably calls mouse!

- Ah, I get it.

- Get it? He got it.

Can you ask him for me?

Okay! Enough about the cat

already, okay?

Can we please stop talking

about the cat?

- Just lay off the cat.

- Oh, my gosh.

You sounded just like rapping

cat when you said that!

You totally did!

Has anyone ever told you that

- you sound just like the cat?

- Okay, I don't sound like

the cat, the cat sounds like me.

Do you want to know why?

Because I am the cat.

Cats don't rap.

They don't talk.

In fact, I'm pretty sure

they don't do anything

but eat, sleep,

and pee in every other place

but the litter box

you so thoughtfully put

in a convenient location.

It was a joke, people.

I didn't know 33 million people

were going to watch this.

And I didn't know folks

were so ignorant

that they could think

that a cat...

A freaking cat...

Could rap!

It's just stupid.

I'm more than just

some backup singer

to some untalented,

ungrateful, freeloading furball.

I'm the talented one.

Me!

Okay, Jerome.

Show us!

- Come on, bring it!

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