The Starving Games

1

Hey, Kantmiss!

I am the great

and powerful--

Aah!

Dale!

Just wanted

to surprise you.

You made me miss my shot.

Ow.

Son of a b*tch!

My back!

Look what I got.

Is it real?

Ohh!

Psych!

It's gag bread!

Look at you.

Right.

You know...

we could run away

from here.

We could live

someplace else.

Like where?

Anywhere that's

better than here.

Darfur. Syria.

New Jersey.

Dale, that's--that's

romantic and all...

but I can't leave

my sister.

I can't leave either.

My dear, old grandma

depends on me to feed her.

God, I am never

having kids.

I mean, how can

you raise a child

in a world

where they televise

all of life's misery and

inhumanity and then pass it off

as some sort of twisted

entertainment?

"The Hunger Games."

"16 and Pregnant."

Good morning,

hungry citizens

of District 12.

In today's news,

we still have no food,

and the weather

will be shitty.

Oh, and don't forget,

today is

the Gathering Ceremony,

so, parents, please bring

your beloved children

to the square

for a random death lottery.

Thank you.

I heard that some kids

are so afraid

of getting picked

for the Games

that they'll actually

try to get disqualified

by injuring or

maiming themselves.

That's an urban legend.

Uhh!

Get in line.

Oh, come on,

b*tch.

Ipso facto p--

Your movie franchise

is over.

Get back in line.

Get back in line.

Bloody dick.

Hey, no talking.

Keep it moving.

I gotta find my sister.

Good luck.

Petunia.

Kantmiss.

Hey, Mom.

I'm scared, Kantmiss.

I'm scared.

Hey, hey, don't be.

I got you this.

It's the most courageous bird

that there is...

a chicken.

When you wear this,

nothing bad can happen to you.

Shh. Shh.

No, don't cry.

You're gonna

be fine, okay?

I promise.

Keep moving.

Line up!

Girls on the right.

Boys on the left!

Welcome to the 75th annual

Starving Games.

Oh. Oh! Ohh!

Hey.

Ohh!

But that was

my sausage!

And now a video

from our esteemed leader,

President Snowballs.

He once killed

his own mother...

because she forgot to cut

the crust off his PB&J.

His only Facebook friend

is Mel Gibson.

He has an online blog

that gives away

the endings of movies

without ever using the

disclaimer "spoiler alert."

What?

He is...

the most terrible man

in the world.

I don't always like beer,

but when I want one,

I choose Tres Equis.

Tastes like piss water.

Aah!

Every year, I make you

watch this video,

because, well,

you're dumb.

People forget

how in the past

sh*t really hit the fan.

Corporations got too big,

and people lost trust.

They staged sit-ins.

They rioted.

You elected Lady Gaga

as President

and her running mate

Nicki Minaj.

That's why we wear

these kooky clothes now

and have bizarre hairdos.

Then I took over

and separated the country

into districts

so that stupid sh*t

never happened again.

Aah!

You've proven that democracy

doesn't work,

and I'm here, in my sixth

self-proclaimed term,

to ensure that all free will

is expunged,

never to rear

its ugly head again.

Yes, that brings us

to today.

Just to prove what

a sick, sadistic prick I am

and how you have

no control...

and admittedly after

watching "The Running Man"

and the Japanese

cult hit "Battle Royale,"

I came up with

the Starving Games.

Two kids from each district

are selected

to play a game to the death

with only one survivor.

The winner is to be

showered with a bounty,

including an old ham...

Oh, I love old ham.

this coupon to Subway--

buy any foot-long

for a six-inch price--

and...

a partially eaten pickle.

So happy Starving Games,

and may the odds be

never in your favor.

A President Snowballs

production.

Now let the gathering

begin! Ahem.

Hugh Janus.

Hmm?

No? Yeah. All right.

I'll pick again. Heh.

Phil Mahooters.

Please, Phil Mahooters?

Dean Gullberry.

Everyone look around.

Check behind you

for a Dean Gullberry.

This is being televised

around the country!

You won't be laughing

when two of you are picked

and thrown into the arena

for your

most certain deaths.

Ahem.

It's okay.

Petunia Evershot.

Whoo!

Yes! Yes!

I didn't get picked.

Hoo-whoo!

Hoo! Whoo! Yeah!

Whoo! Come on!

Gimme some.

Yeah. One more.

Oh! Whew.

But I got picked.

Petunia, I am so sorry.

Petunia, no. Not fair.

Do not give me

those puppy-dog eyes.

I volunteer!

Oh.

I volunteer

for the Starving Games!

Thanks, big sis.

Oh! If you never make it

back from the Games,

can I eat

your pet hamster?

What?

Come, dear.

Now let's pick a boy to

join you in the games.

I volunteer also!

Who said that?

I did.

I'm Peter Malarkey.

Oh.

Hey, Kantmiss.

I volunteered

because I like you,

a lot, and I--

I'm sorry.

Do I know you?

Um...

I'm--I'm the baker's son.

I once fed you

when you were hungry.

Oh, right.

You gave me

that walnut bread.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I have a severe

nut allergy,

and I almost died.

Let's hear it for

our contestants!

And don't forget to tune in

to the Starving Games

after the season finale

of "Downton Abbey."

Can't we say

our goodbyes?

Of course, dear.

The Capital isn't

completely inhumane.

You got 9 seconds.

Petunia!

Kantmiss!

Don't worry. You're in

good hands with Mom.

What's up with

that Peter dude?

What?

I mean he's

a total dork, right?

How much do you

think he benches?

Uh...

Time's up!

Dale!

Yeah?

Promise me you'll

take care of Petunia!

I will,

Kantmiss.

I promise.

Wait!

Later.

Shitheads.

The Nike Swoosh?

Yes, I started selling

advertising space

on my face.

Your willingness to sell

out and whore yourself

is the primary reason I

made you head programmer.

Thank you, Mr. President.

How is

the big TV show looking?

Fantastic. We've replaced Charlie

Sheen with Ashton Kutcher,

and no one really

seems to give a sh*t.

And the Starving Games?

It's gonna be

a great show.

We have some

very interesting contestants,

with 2 volunteers

from District 12.

Volunteers.

R-O-T-F-L-O-L.

And because

you made it law

that whoever doesn't watch the

Games would be publicly flogged,

we're expecting

record high ratings.

Well, after

last years debacle,

I really had no choice.

"Celebrity Starving

Games" was a lousy idea.

No one

could have anticipated

that Oprah would eat

all the other contestants.

I want this game to go

off without a hitch.

I don't want

some underdog

from a poor district to enter the

Games and stir up the masses

with her archery skills

and her brunette hair

fashioned into a

trademark single braid,

inspiring revolt which will not

only overthrows my presidency,

but also spawns

a successful

four-quadrant

blockbuster.

Ohh!

And I may need

a new gardener.

I'm Stanley Ceaserman,

and this is

"The Starving Games

Countdown Show!"

Tomorrow, the Games begin,

but tonight, we're going

to meet the contestants.

You'll get to know them

through their

touching backstories,

where we'll manipulate you

with heavily edited

home video footage

and tragic testimonials.

Then, when you're emotionally

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